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Where do we go for the BIG DINNER?
I am an only daughter with two parents. Most of my other relatives are either dead or live on the other side of the country. My husband and I got married this past February and though we have done the Thanksgiving rounds in years past, I'm tired of going to 3 or 4 different houses. His mother is the oldest of 4 women and pretty much dictates what everyone does and BONUS...his mother and father divorced this year so now there is the question of going to additional houses on his father's side. Here's the deal:
I don't want to go to his families' houses this year. I'm totally ok with him going and making the whirlwind Thanksgiving/Christmas tour, but frankly, I want to spend the holiday with my parents. Is that wrong? Are we supposed to go to everything together? I'm not denying him the ability or option to go to all of his family events, I just see myself feeling out of place among 20 or so people and though I realize they are family now...my parents will be home by themselves and that is where I really want to be. We all live in the same area so its not like we don't see each other all the time.
Anyway...any thoughts?
Re: Where do we go for the BIG DINNER?
Have you talked to him about it?
Do y'all live close to his side and away from yours?
It's kinda the same in my family except we're all in the same town. My husband has been more flexible to being there for my parents because they just have me and his family has their whole circus to keep them entertained. If his mom really wants to see him, she'll be more flexible on the time. If not, well, you see her true colors.
I'm an only child with divorced parents, too. Holidays have always been hard for me. They still are... it never gets easier, no matter how old you get. Both of my parents still assume I'll spend holiday dinners with them... even though one of them recently moved across the country.
This might be a good year to start your own holiday tradition at your own home.
Just you and him... heat up some turkey dinners, watch the parade and some football and enjoy each other's company. After dinner, take some time to call each house and wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Repeat in December, but instead of the parade and football, replace with A Christmas Story marathon.
My other advice is to split it up... two parents on Thanksgiving and two parents on Christmas. You and your husband can decide on who based solely on location, so no feelings get hurt. If he is adamant about seeing both of his parents, then you can always accompany him to one of his parents, then get a stomach ache before the second. A little white lie that will save you a headache in the long run.
Whoa... I was just trying to give you alternatives so you didnt' have to spend holidays apart.If you would rather just go to your own parents houses alone while your husband goes to his, then do that, instead.
All I suggested was that you might want to start a different tradition, since you seemed unhappy about traveling to 3 (now 4) different houses. You can always invite all four families to your house. That way you don't have to travel anywhere and they all only have to travel to one place. There, that is another alternative.
No one is forcing you to lose your identity... I guess we all just assumed you would want to spend the holidays with your husband... sorry. But, yeah, if you would rather spend it away from him, you can.
I'm sorry...I didn't want that to sound so 'bitchy' and its not that I want to spend the time away from him, we would see each other in the evening after all the festivities...but I see him every day and night, so its no big loss to miss out eating turkey with him and his family so I can eat with mine.
We divide the Christmas issue by going to my parents on Christmas eve or Christmas day for dinner.
Having dinner at our house would go over like a fart in church. His mother is the oldest of 4 sisters and his father is one of five siblings 3 of which are sisters. They all have the holiday dinner market cornered and our 2 bedroom apartment is too small to accomodate such a crowd, and frankly...I'm not much of a cook.
I'll talk with him, I guess that's an obvious answer was just looking for some ammo as I already know what I want to do but know its going to be an issue with the mother hens who want to know why Mary didn't come this year. I can already feel the earth pausing with the rolling of their eyes. I should probably just get used to it.
Let them gossip all they want... common sense should tell them that four parents is, well, a lot of parents. Let them cluck all the want.
I would definitely talk to your husband and see what he says. He might be okay with this... he might even want to go with you and forgo his own parents.
Maybe you can go to his parents house on Friday? Or just one of them, even... Is that a possibility? Left over turkey and maybe even brave the stores together afterwards? Just throwing another idea out there.
When you do talk to him, just let him know that the traveling is taking it's toll on you and you miss spending quality time with your parents. See what he says and look for a compromise... it might not make you both perfectly happy, but if it makes things easier and helpful, then that's at least a step forward.
It seems like the real problem here is that you all do whatever his mom tells him to do.
Tell her no, FFS. Tell her you will be having dinner at your parents, and you will swing by her house for lunch on Friday to eat leftovers.
She might throw a fit but I promise you she will get over it.
Don't go anywhere for Thanksgiving, just do it by yourselves at home. Then do the Christmas Eve/Day split.
OR, stand up to his mom and say that you'll stop by earlier in the day to visit, but that you and DH will be eating with your family that evening.
I HATE the holiday shuffle. Both of our parents are divorced and then there's extended family, so it gets pretty crazy for us.
Have you considered staying home, and inviting people over for dinner at your place? Thanksgiving dinner isn't that hard at all to make. We started doing it at our house and it makes it so much more enjoyable. You could also stay home and make heavy hor's devours and make it open house style for your families to come to YOU and visit. That way you're not telling each family that you're not going to see them, you're just making them come to you.
This being the first holiday season being married, you're going to have to do some talking with your H and come to a happy medium about your families and holidays. There's no way around it, you're going to piss someone off each year by not making them the priority, whether it be your parents or his. Don't totally write off his family though, that's not fair to him. You're going to have to somehow make an effort to see them at some point during the holidays. You may have to step out of your comfort zone to do this, but you have to at least try. You married your husband, and that means you gained some family, so you're kind of obligated to make an effort with them. I'm not saying you have to spend every holiday with them, but you have to at least try to make an appearance sometimes, just like your husband is going to do with your family. And who knows, the more you get to know them, they might not be so bad. I didn't like my inlaws much in the beginning, but once I spent more time with them, and got to know them, they're actually great people.
Why don't the two of you sit down and talk about the holidays, what each of you likes, what you don't like, and what each of your IDEAL holidays are.
And from there, figure out what works for the TWO OF YOU. If that's splitting up, then fine, do it. But you might find that he's on the same page as you, and in turn, needs some support/ help in having to tell his mom "no".
Do you plan on having kids? If so- what about then? Are you going to drag your kids all over the place, or are you going to say "no, WE are a family now and we're starting new traditions for them...."?
I think going to 4 different houses is absolutely insane. No one is going to die because you all don't go every.single.year. Yes, his mom may have a coniption over it. But if you start saying "no" to her, in time, she'll start to get it that no, actually, she can't dictate what the 2 of you are going to do.
But I really think that is the problem here- his mom and the two of you not being willing to say "this is what WE are going to do.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you ladies, the feedback has been helpful and makes me at least feel like I'm not being an absolute bi-atch!
Answering a couple of questions here:
No...no kids and none will be had. Thankfully, I'll never have to worry about THAT scenario.
I thought I'd stated this earlier...but we've been together for 4 years, but got married this past February. We've done this shuffling business for four Thanksgivings and Christmas. I'm willing to do the Christmas tour as between his father's family, his mother's family and mine it has turned into a 2-3 week ordeal with plenty of opportunities to make an appearance. I've been more than willing in past years and I'm still willing this year, I just don't want to do multiple houses for Thanksgiving. What I want is to sit down with my parents and have quality time, a good meal and not feel rushed. They're in their 60's now, and I feel these years are precious ones that I can never get back. If I have to play politics with his family...or if they don't understand that I want to spend time with my family, then I married the wrong man...
Thank you for your insight. I welcome other opinions, but for other's sake who might be in the same situation, keep it comin'!
I get your point that being married doesn't mean your joined at the hip. I get that. But for ME, the holidays are just as much about being w/ my DH as they are about family. I like spending time w/ my parents that is quality time, but I like for my DH to be there too.
I feel like if the main reason you're going to be apart is simply because his poor mommy is going to have her itty-bitty feelings hurt if he actually says "no" to her- that is the WRONG reason to be apart.
If you (and he) can genuinely say that he WANTS to do the family shuffle, and he LIKES doing it, and it's more about seeing family than it is about appeasing his mom - o.k., that I can understand and get behind.
But (again) if its more about not wanting to upset mommy... wrong, wrong, wrong. She should not be dictating how the two of you spend your holidays.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and cannot host such a large gathering of people (40-50)...and frankly don't want to!
He wants to see his family I'm sure; and I want to see mine. I'm going to leave it up to him. He can go with me to my parents or he can drive from town to town and see his family. He may have an issue with it, his mother may have an issue with it...but frankly I want to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. I think the idea that its ok to leave 2 seniors alone to go and spend the holiday with houses filled with 20+ is absurd and just sad...not that that was what you were saying, but its the feeling that I've gotten from a few of the posts here.
O.k., so fine, he WANTS to see his family, but would he rather do that than be w/ you? he may not. This is why you all need to TALK about this.
And the fact that you think he'll have an issue w/ you going to your parents, and AGAIN you mention his mom..... Well, first, that's pretty crappy of him. Second, you seem to be avoiding the issue, but this again really makes it sound like he is a momma's boy and cares more about his moms feelings than YOURS.
I think that's a bigger part of this whole situation, and one that you keep avoiding.
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~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I kind of wondered this too. If you're that concerned about them being alone on Thanksgiving, why not see if you can invite them to a big family dinner at your inlaws? Your parents might enjoy that and it could be a win-win for everyone. It's worth a try!
I was looking for feedback on my options before talking to him. He may want to come and see my parents, and if he does GREAT! But if he says that I should come with him to all of the other places just to go to my parents for an hour before he decides its time to go home... I'm not doing that. That's the way its gone for the past 4 years. We WILL talk about this, don't worry your pretty little head on that one.
As to the question of if my parents have been invited...no. Not in the four years that we've been together. His parent's divorce was final this past August and his mother just sold the house so it will probably be at his mother's sister's house and his father will probably be at his sister's or his mother's. I don't want him to have to choose, and with that, neither do I. I don't think either of us should have to sacrifice what what we individually want to do. One day, my parents will be gone and I will be the only one left in my family and all I will have are these memories. He has lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. I don't want to do the 'well, we'll go here this year but next year we're going to..." no, I want each of us to do what we want to do...because next year I may still want to eat Thanksgiving at my parent's house.
I'm surprised that you or your DH hasn't invited them to visit his parents for Thanksgiving before. That seems like the easiest option. I still have to say, for a holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas I would not go separate ways like you are suggesting. It seems wrong to abandon your SO on such a family oriented holiday.
LOL...ABANDON?!!! Are you kidding me? We walk in and he leaves me with his close talking aunt and disappears while she talks about her scrapbooking and mountain hiking trip that she told me about the year before or how she's saving all the leftovers for her dog; then another aunt tells her to stop and then she does the same thing only this time its about her being gay and lonely and in a job that she hates... I have to either yell for him or go find him half the time usually to find him holed up in the garage or in a back room playing video games with his brother.
I have every intention of going to ALL of the BS Christmas parties, and if he wants to spend the day at my parents with me its his choice. I'm just tired of my parents getting the short end of the stick because he's tired from traveling around by the time we get there and cuts our visit short by being silent and asking every 15 minutes when we're leaving!
So I guess going to everyone's houses for Christmas isn't good enough huh? I'm supposed to make everyone else happy and screw any idea of me enjoying the holidays.
I'm trying to figure out how to get to Friday on half a tank of gas, I can hardly afford to do a dinner for 50+ guests...
Maybe I'll take up drinking this holiday season...so I can be a more submissive wife as some of you are so far up your husband's asses you can't seem to hear what you've become; but then, you're probably thinking the same about me only in the opposite direction of 'why did you get married' and I'll answer that, so we wouldn't have to answer the 'when are you getting married' question any longer, because we love each other and so I could put him on my health insurance. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. If you base love on whether or not someone wants to spend Thanksgiving between 3-4 separate locals, you should probably question the depth of your own relationship.
Honestly, I really thought I would get more than the "why not be Mrs. Cleaver and show everyone what a great 'homemaker' you are" response on this board, but I'm thinking I may have misjudged this site as nothing more than a way to sell advertising to women who have waiting their whole lives to put "MRS." in front of their names.
Sounds like to your DH, it's his family or nothing. He probably is a momma's boy and will do her bidding no matter what, and then instead of manning up and being 100% present for your family, he acts like a baby and won't put up a good front for your family.
And i'm sure all of this extends past JUST the holidays. His family is probably his only priority, and he doesnt care too much about yours.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10