Holidays
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Where do we go for the BIG DINNER?
You asked for thoughts, and by and large, most people were giving you ideas/ suggestions etc.
But then you come back and say "I'm spending it w/ my parents no matter what". O.k.- so what exactly were you asking for thoughts on? I'm truly confused about this.
MOST people here were simply giving you ideas becasue for them (including me), we simply don't want to spend the holidays apart from our DH's, so from that point of view, we were trying to give you ideas on how to get around that.
But now- you're just getting pissy w/ us and taking everything being said out of context and thinking we're TELLING you that you "have" to do what he wants - which is SO far far far from what is being said. Or that you "have" to host. That was ONE idea put out. It doesn't work for you - that's fine.
But again- what exactly were y ou looking for advice on?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Could you do the main meal with your parents and then try to hit one of the other events for dessert?
The first year we were married we decided that we prefered quality time with families instead of trying to hit everything like we did when we were dating. I wouldn't split up for the day because DH is just as much your family now as your parents are.
Is there anyone in DH's family that you don't hate?
I just want to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. There is some tension from the wedding as it was hi-jacked by his mother and the rest of the women folk in his family, but with some time I'll get over it. There's some truth in the fact that I'm attempting to put some distance between the wedding so I can get rid of the anger. But its also that the women always get their way...even at OUR wedding. Maybe I just want to have this one day my way, is that too hard to digest?
The following was my original question:
" ...I don't want to go to his families' houses this year. I'm totally ok with him going and making the whirlwind Thanksgiving/Christmas tour, but frankly, I want to spend the holiday with my parents. Is that wrong? Are we supposed to go to everything together? I'm not denying him the ability or option to go to all of his family events, I just see myself feeling out of place among 20 or so people and though I realize they are family now...my parents will be home by themselves and that is where I really want to be. We all live in the same area so its not like we don't see each other all the time. Anyway...any thoughts?"
With that in mind, I was not asking for alternatives...I was asking for opinions. The best 'advice' I've received from this thread is "Someone will get pissed no matter what you do". With that in mind my decision is much easier and though I can't remember who gave the opinion due to all of the other Mrs. Cleaver suggestions, I thank whomever offered it.
Does everyone HAVE to see you on the actual day or would it work to spend Thanksgiving day with your parents and Friday or Saturday with his family? If you suggest it now maybe his mother will change the day she hosts dinner.
ETA - your pissy attitude to the suggestions you've been given is unnecessary. If this is the way you act IRL then I'm sure your inlaws will be glad you aren't at dinner.
Ah yes. Those silly "Mrs. Cleaver' suggestions that you spend your first Thanksgiving as a married couple together.
My other thoughts without giving any silly suggestions, is that your decision may cause a lot more problems than you anticipate if your relationship with your MIL and DH's other female family members is already strained. But good luck with that!
My mom and I discussed us doing Thanksgiving her and my dad on Friday, and it was a good idea at first but I'm not so sure. Friday isn't Thanksgiving...and I'm kind of wondering what the big deal is with me having to be at his family's house. Honestly, the only reason they'll miss me is because my absence will give them someone to talk about and if they're talking about me, then they're not talking about someone else; so kharmically maybe I'm doing a good thing by not going to his families! That was sort of a joke.
It's only a day (and personally I think people get too hung up on having to spend the actual day with their family) - if your parents are fine with you coming Friday then that's what I'd do. Honestly, talk to your DH about his wishes - it may really upset him to spend his first married Thanksgiving without his wife.
ETA: I'm a parent of a grown only child myself and the only thing that matters to me is spending time with my son, DIL & grandchildren. I don't care if it's on the actual day or when it is, as long as I see them over the holiday season. I'm sure your parents feel the same way.
ETA? What does that mean? or IRL?
Anyway...touche', you're right, my pissy attitude isn't necessary thank you for pointing it out.
I guess I don't feel that it's really worth changing everyone's plans for one person, and the women really drive me crazy. At the risk of sounding like I'm on the cross again...maybe I do just need to suck it up and go to all the different places. Maybe its better to swallow one's own pride and desires for the sake of keeping the peace. His mother will be around for a while, I should probably get used to her domineering ways. When she didn't have her way with the wedding planning (although she convinced us to change it from a 10 person small ceremony to a larger one because there's a lot of them..but didn't want to cough up any money to help pay. No wedding shower. No help with a rehearsal dinner...but rented a condo a month later on the beach so she could have her family around her...who's the self-centered one?) she did whatever she could to ruin the day including almost knocking my mother down to try and get into the bridal suite. The whole wedding her and her sisters bitched about the music because they wanted to do the 'electric slide'. By the end of the night they broke the DJ and she was pleading me to let her play it so they would shut up. It was a rock and roll wedding...anyway, I told her to go ahead and play it. Now that's what they talk about, how bad the music was until THEY got the DJ to play a disco tune that I could go the rest of my life not hearing and it would still be too soon. They were laughing about it at easter dinner and I said "it wasn't supposed to be that kind of wedding" and they all got quiet and then the husband told me later that I'd hurt their feelings. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
I know its childish, and I have to rise above...but I've shown that I can be hot-headed on this thread. I have a really hard time holding my tongue and its everything I can do to not lose my *** when I have to be around them. Once a year at Christmas is enough for me. Having to do Thanksgiving and Christmas just makes me want to call the doc and ask him to up my Xanax script.
ETA - edited to add
IRL - in real life
Sorry I got b!tchy with you. Wedding things aside I still think that you need to talk to you DH about your Thanksgiving plans. Would he be on board with skipping Thanksgiving with his family if you go there for Christmas? You don't know til you ask.
One thing I learned after 30 years of marriage is start the way you're going to continue, so what you do this year, keep doing in the future - that way everyone knows the plan and can't complain.
Another thing to consider - how will your parents feel if you guys split and each of you goes to their own parents for Thanksgiving, will it cause them to feel guilty? I know that's how I'd feel if my son & DIL did that.
I don't think you came here for advice. I think you have already made up your mind so put on your big girl panties and sit DH down and talk about it.
If I were you, I would not want to spend my first "married" Thanksgiving without my husband. Tell him you are having dinner with your parents and you want him to join you. Then go to the in-laws afterwards.
Done.
Clearly there's a lot more to the family dynamics than you originally let on. But, to answer your original question is it wrong for you to want to spend Thanksgiving with your parents and DH to go with his? I dunno. That's up to you and your DH to decide.
My opinion is my DH is my primary family and I WANT to spend my holidays with him. Yes, my family is important to me, but it's more important to me to build memories with my DH. It's not about us being attached at the hip or me losing my identity. So, in my book, yeah, it seems wrong to me that you'd rather be with your parents than your DH. But that's just me.
If you and your DH can work out a holiday system with the families that works for you and your DH, then go for it. Who gives a *** if the family has issues with it? Like a pp said, this year is pivotal because it really does set the tone for future holidays and sets a precedence for what the family will expect from you and DH.
I understand the women in his family hijacking stuff. I have an at times overbearing MIL and 2 SILs. DH is the baby. I get ignored a lot in the planning of stuff. They are finally, after 3 years, doing better at including me in planning family events. If you plan on being w/ DH for the next 50 years, you're gonna have to start figuring out how to work with his family. It may be good to start talking with them and let them know your desires and see if some compromises can be made. If they don't budge, you can walk away and show DH you tried. Stepfamilies complicate the compromising, but that's what you do in families. I don't like having bad blood between me and other family members, so I'm willing to find a way to make things work so it's a win-win. Letting this drag on is gonna increase resentment, not decrease anger.
Again, take whatever I say with a grain of salt. This is my opinion, my values, and how I've had to learn to work with and deal with my ILs.
Wow *sniff* you mean you hear what I'm saying? Thank you for your response. I did think it would be better to go where I'm loved rather than where I'm a curiosity, but I was beginning to think I was being an absolute jerk and that I needed to abandon my parents because I got married.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Its nice to be heard.
OMG--no one suggested that you "abandon" your parents, only that being married means it's not just about your wants anymore. Your H and you are now your own unit and as such, you have to find ways to balance BOTH families in a way that makes sense for BOTH of you. If BOTH of you want to spend the holidays with your respective families and not together, that's your business. Presumably, though, that's not an option or you wouldn't have posted this.
The only alternative is for the two of you to hash out a schedule (and I still maintain that alternating the holidays between the two families is the least stressful for everyone) that the two of you are happy with. That doesn't mean your families will each get what they want all the time. But who does?
I have never seen anyone throw such a temper tantrum before. You should be ashamed of yourself for acting like a child.
You want your way... or the highway. You have made that very clear.
People keep making comments about how he's a momma's boy because he wants to spend Thanksgiving with his mother. Well, she's saying she wants to spend the day with her family. Double standards, much?
Your questions, as stated in your original post:
"Is that wrong?"
No, it's perfectly okay to want to spend the day with your family. Just like it's perfectly okay for him to want to spend the day with his family.
Are we supposed to go to everything together?
No, you don't have to do everything together.
"...any thoughts?"
You want our thoughts? Oh, hun, we'd all get kicked off this forum if some of us replied to your lovely posts.
Also, if you have any question on what abbreviations mean, try this site...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/
or this site....
http://www.acronymslist.com/
or.. and please do not blame me for pointing out the obvious http://www.google.com/
When she didn't have her way with the wedding planning (although she convinced us to change it from a 10 person small ceremony to a larger one ..... The whole wedding her and her sisters bitched about the music because they wanted to do the 'electric slide'. ..... Now that's what they talk about, how bad the music was until THEY got the DJ to play a disco tune that I could go the rest of my life not hearing and it would still be too soon. They were laughing about it at easter dinner and I said "it wasn't supposed to be that kind of wedding" and they all got quiet and then the husband told me later that I'd hurt their feelings. WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
I love how you still haven't addressed this at all: WHERE IS YOUR DH IN ALL OF THIS!?!?!?!?!
Why is he not telling his mom to back off? Why is he putting their feelings first and not yours?
SEriously- why won't you address this here at all?
SimplyFated - your comment about the double standard. For ME, him wanting to spend Thanksgiving w/ his family isn't what makes him a momma's boy. It's doing it because his mother DEMANDS it. It's him insisting they go all over for his family, and then whining when they spend part of the night w/ her family. It's him putting his mommy before his wife.
While the OP hasn't addressed this topic at ALL - I think that is a large part of this issue. She keeps blaming his domineering mom for everything, but yet she won't address the role her DH plays in this. If he stood up for her and was on her side- I think she would have told us by now. But because she keeps avoiding this topic, I think this is a huge "DH Problem" and she just wants to keep her blinders on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Nope...no blinders. I thought that discussing it with him would be addressing it...after four years of putting up with it. I was just looking for some support, some back up to my desires, not alternatives. If I addressed everything that's wrong everytime then I would be classified as a nagging ***, something that I never desire(d) to be. As it turns out, you are right in one aspect, this runs much deeper than Thanksgiving and may actually be the end of this relationship.
In B&W everything reads to plainly, you don't actually know or hear what I'm saying and its hard to respond when someone is reading between the lines by filling them up with what they think the actual problem is. This has been a hard thread to follow but its been quite educating as some of you ladies have torn me apart just as I know my husbands hens will and do.
I'm done being a punching bag for him and his family. I was much better off single, it just took getting married to find that out. So now, its off to much bigger issues, like how to get out of this marriage before it kills me.
Dear Simply Fat,
Thank you for the links. I think I'll stick to the queen's english. This text speak is way too exclusive a club for me. Thank you though, very sweet of you to be so kind to take the time; hope your hands didn't cramp from having to spell them all out.
People get tired of typing out husband, or mother in law, father in law, attention whore, in my opinion, etc etc etc.
Text speak is "How r u? I'm g8t!", which is actually slammed on these boards! People do come here and type like that and it's not put up w/ because it is hard to read.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If that's the way it is, why not spell it out the first time and then use the abbreviation anytime else in the post? Like saying "My Darling Husband and I went to the beach, but DH didn't bring his bathing suit."?
Plus, while DH is used all the time, I'm never doing to actually refer to my DH as "darling husband". I think the full meaning of that abbreviation is pretty stupid, to be honeset. But for the sake of abbreviations, we don't want to use 1 letter abbreviations (like just H for husband).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The point is that communication is a big problem in most relationships and right off the bat using such abbreviations with the reader having to look up their meaning immediately alienates a newcomer. Its called 'courtesy'...I guess that would be the point.
I'd say you've been pretty disengenuous here; you've written this post about your supposed issues with a holiday dinner, but throughout the course of the thread (in which you've behaved abominably, by the way), you've provided snippets of what would have been relevant information at the beginning, until we finally learn that this isn't about the holidays at all. It would seem that your marriage is a shambles and that while you were busy having a fit for not being told what you wanted to hear, what you really need to worry about has nothing to do with Thanksgiving.
If you really believe that your marriage "is killing" you, why in the world is Thanksgiving dinner a problem that's even on your radar?
This is a public message board that has who knows how many people coming here. It's HIGHLY unrealistic to expect people to write EVERY post from the perspective that some newcomer MIGHT (or might not) read it, and then have a problem understanding the abbreviations.
That's why there are FAQ's and the Glossary.
To play devils advocate, I think those of us who have been here for a long time deserve the courtesy to not be expected to have to explain ourselves over and over and over. That a newcomer should take the time to figure out how things work and not expect us to tailor every conversation we have to them.....
Because really- you're talking about the needs of ONE (you) to the needs of how many "old timers"? We should all stop how we do things so that you don't feel "alienated"?
Hmmm..... this expectation of yours makes me wonder about your expectation w/ your IL's (that would be in-laws) and how that may play into your overall relationship with them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
WOW! GC to Y! Must b hard to keep up with all the NBs talking from your HH all the time.
The Nest just lost me as a member. You have got to be the queen of MB's around here or would that be MC's? AH, have a nice L C!
No doubt--she doesn't make a very good victim at all. If she behaves IRL (that's "in real life" for those who can't be bothered to learn how the online community works
) anything like she's behaved here, I'm surprised anyone could spend more than 10 minutes around her before they want to hang themselves.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10