Sex & Romance
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difficulties in bed, advice please.
I love my man with all my heart and I realize that a relationship is not just about sex, however like anyone else I do enjoy sex. The problem is that we went from having sex every other night to twice a month. I realize that he works two jobs and I love him for it, and on his double shift days (and the day after that so he can regain his energy) I will try not to show him I am in the mood. I do not know what to do though because I ask him all the time if there is something I can do to turn him on (during the days he has off) because I know that I do not get all dressed up (my favorite clothes to wear are his) and I hate makeup but he always tells me that he loves the fact that I look way I look and how I do not obsess over all that girly stuff. I tried to get him to be more romantic because he use to be extremely romantic all the time (for the first 6 months of our relationship I received a rose everytime the one before it was about to die, he did not even have to look at the rose to know it was close to death) but he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me that he always forgets to buy me flowers when he's out. I hate being a nag but I do not know what to do. I just love him so much and everything he does turns me on, and even though I know he does not mean to I just feel like I do not turn him on. Got any advice?
Re: difficulties in bed, advice please.
Your bio says you are 18. Is this so?
If you're 18, you're too young for a long term commitment and too young to be living with somebody, if you are living with him. Judging from the context of your post, I am guessing that you are.
It also cold be that this relationship has run its course. Is he about your age? Very few 18 year olds are ready for marriage.
You're going to get ripped a new one for saying that. For what's it's worth, sexual incompatibility is one of the leading causes of divorce. Don't underestimate it.
I was going to give you a serious response but I realized there's no point. You think that at 19 you know everything there is to know about relationships and love. Good luck with that.
FYI, at 19 I was with a guy I thought I would be with forever. The sex life dwindled because HE wasn't interested. We broke up after a year or two of having sex once a month. The lack of sex was really just a sign that we were becoming incompatible. And I'm incredibly glad I didn't stick with him in spite of all the problems or I never would have met my awesome husband.
About me
Sweetheart, I teach 19 year olds for a living. 90% of them are not ready for a commitment longer than a semester. Hell, most of them can't commit to a major, much less another person for the rest of their life.
You need to face some tough possibilities. It could be that the relationship has run its course, or it could be that the man is flat-out exhausted. In the past semester, I struggle to remember a time when I've felt less sexy as I do now, and it's from sheer exhaustion, not from lack of my husband's attention. However, we talk it out, and make time to spend together (which ups the sex drive). But that's just me.
It does sound like you're not ready for this commitment, and it got waay too serious too fast. Think it over.
Yeah, at 19 I thought I had met The One, too. Everybody tried to talk some sense into me, but I knew better. I spent 5 of the worst years of my life married to The One. It's not that he was a bad person, just that we were young and we were horribly wrong for each other.
Despite what The Beatles said, "All You Need Is Love" is horseshit. You need compatibility and life experience to make a marriage work--and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Of course if you're anything like I was at 19, you won't listen and I'm wasting my time typing this.
So very true.
Just in case this isn't very obvious MUD...
Why is he working two jobs? What are your plans for the future (individually and jointly)? I hope you are going forward for your education. What are your long term goals for the future? Children, house, retirement?
For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with everyone else on this board. Some people are mature and ready to marry at 19, and are very happy together. I am a mere two years older than you, a college grad, and am already married ... I ask the rest of you, am I too young? Does two years make the difference?
However, your age doesn't necessarily determine whether your relationship will fail. It is your communication skills, willingness to put each other first, etc. Keep working at it. Maybe they're right. Maybe this relationship isn't it. But maybe it's worth it. All I say is to just be absolutely certain before you marry. Good luck!
I don't think you're too young to be in love or know what love is. But keep in mind that everyone posting here (even the 21 year old) has been 19 before. You haven't been 25. You haven't been 30. You don't know how much your life will change in the next few years. Does that mean your relationship is doomed? Of course not.
You might think you "grew up way earlier than most people" but you sure don't sound mature. You shouldn't automatically discount the advice of people who've been in the exact same place you are right now.
Smock, this was absolutely brilliant!!!! I agree 100% with this.
to DarlingMiss
He has two jobs because even though he normally gets great hours at deaconess he is not on full time so one week he could have 40hrs and the next 3hrs, so just in case he works at swifty's. The only reason I do not have two jobs is because school takes up my time. next year I am going to take a year off from schooling so that I can focus on the wedding while my FI goes to college to finish getting a degree in computer administration and semester after the wedding (spring 2012) I am going to go to college to get my teaching degree. When I am half way through college we are going to buy a house. Once I am done with college we are going to adopt anywhere from 2-3 kids.
to Smock.Smock
What advice you all are telling me how I am wrong. I may sound young to you but have you ever thought about how you are pretty much verbally attacking me. Would you not be upset if someone told you that you have no right to be on this board because of your age even though these people do not even personally know you.
See this: "FYI, at 19 I was with a guy I thought I would be with forever. The sex life dwindled because HE wasn't interested. We broke up after a year or two of having sex once a month. The lack of sex was really just a sign that we were becoming incompatible. And I'm incredibly glad I didn't stick with him in spite of all the problems or I never would have met my awesome husband."
This is advice. I was in the exact same place as you at 19. We both thought we were way more mature than other people our age. We had planned out our futures to the point where we decided what to name our imaginary future 2-3 kids. And guess what? Because I didn't want to admit that all those fantasies were unrealistic I stayed with him way too long. Luckily we never got married but I really should have broken up with him sooner.
Again, I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed. What I am saying is that you should take a long, hard look at your relationship and your communication. It sounds like you're not on the same page. It's not just the sex that's changed, your bf/fi is too busy to get you flowers and forgets to be romantic. That is *exactly* what happened in my relationship, and it was a sign that he wasn't as into the whole "let's plan every detail of our future life together" as I was.
So what does your bf/fi say when you bring up the lack of sex? What did he say when you told him that you feel like he's not turned on by you? What has he suggested to improve the situation?
Who told you that you had no right to be on this board because of your age?
You obviously have it all figured out, what advice could any of us possibly give you?
You have to take a year off to plan a wedding? Is the wedding that big or are you that easily overwhelmed? Who is paying for this wedding?
Have you ever considered that he's just not that into you? He's 23, I doubt he's over sex, he's probably just over having it with you. Are you sure there's not someone else? I'm sure you're going to tell me I'm mean, but I'm just pointing out an obvious possibility.
I am all ears for advice that is why I asked for it. However I want advice not people telling me how young and dumb I am.
I am taking off because I have an ulcer and the stress between work (since I am going to have to probably pick up a second job so he can focus on school), the wedding, and school would murder me. If I did that I would want to give them each a 100% of my focus. So to save myself the pain I realized that I am going to deal with waiting till after the wedding to start school and to make up for the fact that I missed a year and a half of school I am going to take as many summer classes I can. Him and I are paying for the wedding.
I know he's not over sex because I know he loves it when we have it. He know that if he's over me he can leave. As much as it would break my heart if he told me that he no longer wanted me I would rather it be know than after 15 years of marriage when we have a family.
I do not think any of the ladies on here are mean I just think they are being judgmental and not helpful.
You did NOT just pull the patented "We had to grow up faster than most people". PUUUUHLLEAZE!
And this is coming from someone who "had to grow up faster", who was actually with my H at 19... and someone who realized I was nowhere near ready to be married at that age because NO ONE is ready to be married at that age. No matter what you think.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Ok, this is my story and sounds just like yours so please take this as advice from someone who has been there...
I was 19 when I got engaged and Married the man I thought was THE ONE and THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER LOVE...I moved from my mothers house to live with him the day we got married...I had never lived on my own..had never had to pay my own bills and was still in college. I moved an hour away to live with my husband in his apartment. I was an hour away from everything I knew, all of my friends etc...
When we were dating we had sex constantly, sometimes 3-4 times a day...after about 3-4 months of being married, this slowed DRAMATICALLY to MAYBE once a week. We argued and fought constantly....I "knew" that the first year was supposed to be hard but once the sex had dropped off, so had our marriage. I was 19 and he was 26 when we got married, he also worked odd hours and I was home by myself alot, when he was home we fought constantly, I was trying to finish college and work as well.
At around the 8 month mark, we stopped having sex, he was constantly on the computer in chat rooms, had his phone with him 24/7 and I was never allowed to touch it...He would be at "work" and I would check the bank account and there would be restaurant entries from a town 2 hours away for an amount that was not just for one person.
We were married 364 days to be exact, he left on our 1 year anniversary. I was left with an apartment I couldnt pay for, I was still in college and was alone, at 20 years old. I had been emotionally abused, mentally abused and cheated on by THE ONE!
Please listen to these women...they have been where you are, they do not want to see another young woman make a HUGE mistake. I know you love him and you feel like sex will not end your marriage or your relationship but if you are having this problem at 19 and 23...you have other problems that also need to be dealt with.
It's not just that you're young that makes you seem immature. It's your insistence that you are not like most people your age (not realizing that every girl who decides to get married young thinks this), your broad claims about how love and marriage work, and your refusal to acknowledge your own potential limitations in perspective.
No one likes to be told by strangers not to get married. I suspect that is why you are being so defensive. But you should be willing to at least listen to what they have to say. You can disregard their advice without pause (giving further evidence that you are immature), or you can consider it carefully. Your choice.
Um, my gut reaction is that he's probably lost interest. You're too young to know who you're going to be with for the rest of your life. Something tells me the wedding next year won't happen.
to smock smock
He says I do turn him on and he love me the way I am but he is just never in the mood. If I am doing everything right I do not have a clue on what to do to make it work. He never really does suggest anything. like the last time we talked about it he was like "that is not what is important, you have homework to do" (I do realize my homework is extremely important) and I was like "I have all day to do my homework, you have to work in a few hours. I want to talk about whats going on with us." needless to say we got into a huge fight and in the end he was like "we will be okay, I am sorry I am not in the mood any more. We will work through it."
I know every relationship hits a point where it wasn't as good as it use to be. So I would like to know how some other ladies brought spice back into the relationship.
to Candaceleigh21
Thank you for sharing that with me and I am extremely sorry with what happened.
If there was anyway that I thought he was cheating on me and he did not work it out than I would have no problem kicking him out the door. But I know he is not cheating on me. I know the signs of cheating and he has got none of them.
I know we are having problems which is why I would like help.
to Imoan
I totally understand why some people are not ready for marriage at my age however I know I am. Each state has a different age for people to start high school so you may have graduated at like 17 or 18 while I graduate at 19.
to Zitiqueen
Thank you for the support and the very first girl who posted got all up in my face about my age. Sure we could wait till I am 25 but neither of us want to.
Feel free to reply to this as much as you want but I will not reply to anything that involves my relationship ending. You may think that it is ridiculous of me to say that but I know my limits and I know that I am a worry wort, the more I worry about my relationship failing the more my ulcer destroys my body. My relationship will last no matter what you think about my age.
I'm only 20, so hopefully that will be close enough to your age for you to listen. You're going to have to accept rough patches in your relationship, no matter what your age. This may just be one of those, but it may also be a sign that the relationship is failing, as the others have said. At our age, things change so quickly because we're still trying to become adults; we haven't yet learned to be an individual, let alone a couple. 2-3 months ago, I would've been saying the same things, that we're so much in love that the sex doesn't matter, we'll be together forever, I was even looking at how to save up for an engagement ring and was planning my dream wedding. However, things change. People change. Now I might as well change my relationship status on Facebook to "It's Complicated". We haven't broken up, but with my mental illness and having to move back to my parents' place, our relationship is under a huge amount of stress. It started with me just not wanting sex much, and being less romantic, but went downhill. Don't get me wrong, my situation isn't yours. However, if there's issues already with just the stress of him working, how much worse will it be when he's in school, or when you're trying to plan a wedding? Also, why not wait? There's still years in which to get married, AFTER you have a better idea of who you are, other than "so-and-so's girl".
BTW, getting so defensive about your age doesn't help. It honestly makes you seem immature. And please, don't expect your FI to buy you flowers all the time. Having expectations like that is unreasonable, partly because of the cost, partly because of the stress he's under, and party because expecting a guy to be romantic ALL the time is like him expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. Not gonna happen.
ETA: Sorry, that wasn't very coherent. What I mean is that you need time to figure out who you are, so there's no harm in waiting. Also, be aware that this could just be a rough patch, but could mean the relationship is in trouble.