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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: difficulties in bed, advice please.
So when you tried to talk about this serious issue he scolded you about doing homework? And you were a sophomore in high school when you started dating a 21-year-old guy whom you now live with even though you're still in high school? And he doesn't suggest solutions to the problem, he just says vague things like "we will work through it" but nothing changes?
Those are all huge red flags. I think you're trying to convince yourself that your relationship is perfect except for the lack of sex. I did the same thing. But I was ignoring all sorts of other warning signs that he wasn't as interested in the relationship as I was.
Has he offered to go to the doctor to rule out physical reasons for his lack of libido? Has he suggested counseling or a sex therapist to deal with the problem? Or does it turn into a huge fight every time you bring it up?
This is bull because I'm from Indiana too.
One thing I'd like to know, for serious, is how you're managing your ulcer and what kind of treatment you're getting. Darlin', there are going to be a heck of a lot more stressful things than planning a wedding in your life, and if your ulcer is that much of an issue, you need to get it under control, ASAP.
Second: The reason you're getting questioning about your age is the fact that you're asking how to bring spice back into the relationship. Getting that 'spice' back in is all wrapped up in the specifics of your relationship, one of which is your age. So, yes, age does matter.
Now as for being ready for marriage or not at 19, honestly,I wouldn't recommend it, because you change so much. I too was with a guy I swore was 'the one' at age 19, and thought I had my whole life planned out. The guy ended up being a d!ckwad (not saying yours is, but he may just not be the fit for you long term, or then again he may be...but at least finish your Bachelor's degree first), and all of those things I thought I wanted turned out to be, well, not so much what I needed or wanted in the first place. I was going to be a bilingual lawyer, until I had the opportunity to teach in Mexico for a week. Now I'm graduating with my M.A., and just accepted a job as a Spanish teacher and a drill team director. And you know what? I love it! I couldn't be more excited! Oh, and I'm also married to a man I adore.
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Just to add, the ladies on here are coming from a good place with what they say. They can be harsh but they will tell you the truth. I, like Smock, thought I was going to be with the guy I dated at 18 (and through my sophomore year of college) forever too. But his interest waned and he wouldn't even VISIT me on his trips home. Trust me, the grass is greener on the other side.
No, they don't! Explain how 9-year-old child prodigies graduate from high school and go on to college if there's a certain age that people "have to be" to start high school. It's okay to admit you got held back a year or two.
Okay fine, she got on you for your age, but I've read Tarpon's post several times and nowhere does she say you have no right to be on this board because of your age. If you've got an internet connection and follow The Nest's TOS, you have every right to be on these boards.
And you never answered my second question -- in fact, you avoided it completely. I want to know, hypothetically, what YOU think would happen if you waited until you were 25 to get married.
And yeah, understanding sarcasm clearly isn't in the curriculum in the Indiana schools.
Each state had a different age at which you start HS? What the fuuck are you smoking??
OP, you are an idiot. That is all.Methinks this should read you have no problem slamming the door behind you on the way to your parents' house instead because there's no way you can pay for an apartment while you're still in high school.
And too stressed to work to boot. Finals is hard, yo.
Hun, no one is telling you not to get married..no one on the internet can tell you not to do something...they are just giving you a different perspective and giving you something to think about, in the end you will do whatever you want but give some of the advice some serious thought.
Marriage is very rewarding when it is with the right person. In reality though, it is a job...and job that is often times not fun, right now I am washing my FI's clothes, cleaning HIS hair out of the drain, vaccuuming the dirt up from HIS shoes and he hasnt gotten me flowers in almost a year lol..Be realistic about what you expect from a long term relationship, it can be LOTS of fun but it is real work, just make sure you are able to put in the time and committment that a real relationship deserves.
Let me warn you, college changes you, jobs change you, friends change you everyday you change, just make sure he is someone who can change with you!
Every state except for five that are left up to the school district (Indiana not being one of them) requires that the child be 5 by September 1st of the school year they start. Some extend that date to January 1st.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/138357/kindergarten_entrance_age_requirement.html?cat=25
No states that I can find require the child be older.
And how many of those states require the student to be a certain age in order to begin high school like the OP claims? I'm guessing ZEE-ROW.
If you want to see the responses to this type of question when the woman is older, you should read some of the other posts on this board. This is not an uncommon problem. And many of these women are asked if they can seriously see themselves staying with their husband if nothing changes. Since you bf/fi doesn't seem open to communicating with you about this problem, most of the traditional advice doesn't really apply. To sum up what is is usually said:
1) Check for physical/medical problems. This needs to be ruled out first. A doctor is needed to determine if this is the case. Try to remedy this first.
2) If there isn't a physical/medical problem, try to determine what your needs are. This requires a lot of communication. For example: (1) Maybe you want sex at different times of the day - so maybe scheduling sex might work. (2) Make sure you come on to him and don't expect him to always make the first move. (3) Be affectionate (without expecting sex) more often; this may also include determining how your bf/fi knows you love him (does he want to hear you say it, or does he respond better to acts of service, etc. etc. If this is the case the Five Love Langauges book is usually recommended).
3) If these techniques don't work: counselling.
4) Finally: if none of the above works, the woman is encouraged to determine what is and is not a deal breaker. If this is not a deal breaker to you, you have to accept it (perhaps consider masturbating more). Otherwise, leave.
Since your bf/fi doesn't seem open to the first three options, everyone is simply jumping to the last option. And most of us know that a healthy sex life is a VERY important part of a healthy life and healthy relationship. If you're not satisfied you generally not engaged in a healthy sex life. The implications of this dissatisfaction are wide-reaching and can lead to a lot of resentment, which can kill a relationship.
See, all that advice, and I didn't mention your age.
... somehow I still don't think you'll like my advice ...
We have both been raised in christian households and agreed that the only way we will ever get a divorce is if one of us cheats on the other one and even after counseling still wont stop cheating (neither of us are that type.)
Not for nothin' but being raised in religiously-based homes is no safeguard against a separation or divorce. Maybe it sounds flip but sh!t happens: people grow apart, one partner wants kids and the other one does not -- what I'm saying is anything can happen and you can split up, no matter how religious you and your partner are.
That said, you relationship has probably run its course. Common with young people. I don't think either one of you is ready for marriage; you're both far too young for a commitment.
My gut instinct was to wish you the best of luck. To me, it sounds as though he's just too tired, and probably too stressed, to think about sex.
Although, I was not 19, I was once engaged to "the One." I moved two states away, switched universities, and gave up something that had been a lifelong dream for me to be with "the One." Our only problem seemed to be differing libidos--I was always on and he could just barely keep up. Still, we thought we were in love and it would all work out. We bought a house, moved in together and planned a beautiful wedding. Six-weeks before the big event, he told me he was sorry, but he couldn't marry me because he felt he "couldn't satisfy me long-term." We broke up. I moved home.
I am not saying this will happen to you. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones. But please, while ignoring those that couldn't control their own bitterness, listen to those who gave you genuine advice--we mean well.
And, perhaps the most important advice I can offer: fix this "problem," with your sex lives before planning and/or getting married. It will only get worse and will, whether your think so or not, become a serious problem in your marriage.I meant this post to be as gentle and polite as I could manage, but there are some things you've said that honestly earned you a fair bit of rancor:
You want to go to school to get an education degree, but your grammar is appalling. I wouldn't let you teach my children, that's certain. And it is further evidence, as many people have said, that you're too young to be barreling head-first into marriage.
I stopped reading all the responses after the 1st page, but figured I'd give you my advice on your issue.
Me and my DH started dating when I was 15 he was 18, I'm now 25 & him 28 and we've been married for 1.5 years. Yes, we waited until after I graduated college to move in together and then lived with each other for a couple years before getting engaged/married. My DH has a very physically and mentally demanding job so I have learned not to expect it on weekdays. When a couple moves in together sex often decreases just because of the change of relationship status. You grow comfortable with each other. You need to adjust to the changes, stress can cause people to lose their sex drive since their mind is occupied with everything else.
My suggestion is that you attempt to spice things up a bit when he is home and rested. Step outside of your comfort zone to give him something different. Whenever I want sex, I put on something sexy and surprise DH. I'm not always comfortable in it and feel awkward at first, but then as soon as he sees me in it and I see his reaction I have all the confidence in the world. Hell, just get naked and throw on some heels and it'll get his attention.
If none of that works, then maybe you do need to re-access things and have a deeper discussion about it. I never thought sex would be so important, but it really upset me going from having it a few times a week (before we lived together) to just once a week but I realized that its not that he's not attracted to me, its just how things change when a relationship matures and it depends on what is going on in your lives such as work load and other stresses.
I rarely post on this board, but I teach kids your age too, which makes me feel like I need to say something. Don't take a year off school to plan your wedding. If you must take a year off to get your damn health under control so you'll be able to multitask in the future. A wedding is just a big party. You seriously don't need to take a freaking year off to plan a party.
Seriously, wedding planning isn't that hard. You just talk to people. And make decisions. What about that requires 365 free days?
As for sex advice: he works two jobs. He's probably tired. Perhaps if you were contributing more to your joint income, he'd work less and have more energy fox sex.
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Ditto. I call BS - I graduated from High School in Indiana at 18
The OP lost a year somewhere. You're a high school graduate at 17 or 18.
I totally understand why some people are not ready for marriage at my age however I know I am. Each state has a different age for people to start high school so you may have graduated at like 17 or 18 while I graduate at 19.
Believe it or not, if you went to school in Newburgh (my home town, too), I actually graduated FROM your high school at 17. It's one of the top ranked public schools in the state, so please stop saying "Him and I." Mr. Bracher would be appalled.
Now, my advice (from someone who dated her high school sweetheart for 6 years, including through most of college before realizing that, while he is a wonderful human being, he wasn't the best fit for me, nor I for him.) Through 5 of those years, I KNEW I was ready for marriage and I KNEW it HAD to be to him. Like you (and most other people,) divorce isn't something I would consider lightly so I'd either be in a mediocre marriage now (and, yes, we had the same sex drive issues as the two of you do despite being best friends) or, at the very least, would have missed out on the opportunity to have a relationship with DH that's eevn more amazing than I ever could have imagined.
1. Delay the wedding. Let life calm down a little. See what happens with the relationship. Why the rush?
2. If you're bound and determined to get married right.this.second, communication is key. Realize, though, that you may not get exactly what you want. If you want sex every day, and he wants it twice a month, you really have three choices: 1., you can be unhappy and he gets his way; 2. he can be unhappy and you can get your way; or 3. you can both compromise and have sex 2 times a week or so. If your sex drive is just higher than his, there are other ways to take care of that, you know. You should also expect that sexual frequency will slow down throughout your relationship, particularly if he'll be working and in school.
Anyone that needs to take a year off from school so that they can plan a wedding, is way too immature to get married. An ulcer???? Really? You are using an ulcer as an excuse?
As far as the age thing in HS age thing goes, you are full of shiot. Did you need to take a year off from HS for a hangnail?
Your delusional views magnify the immaturity, and your lack of reality is astounding.
Before I go any further, let me say that I'm 23, and I've been with DH since I was 18. So I definitely believe that you can find the one at that age.
Starting with just the sex thing: maybe he should see a doctor. I went to my OBGYN when I was having problems with my sex drive, and the first thing they did was a blood draw to make sure that there wasn't a problem with my thyroid.
Then the red flag. You told him there was a problem. Instead of communicating with you, he told you to do your homework. When you pressed it, you got into a huge fight. In the end, he still refused to communicate with you, instead saying that you'll 'work through it.' That's bad. Communication is HUGE in a relationship, and he's not working with you to fix this problem. You two need counseling, stat.
It's the maturity level, not the age. You aren't there yet. I can hear the high school in the way you type. You'll change quite a bit once you graduate, especially in your early 20's. Trust me, I know.
I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 19. Our sex life was pretty damn good because we saw each other so infrequently.
When I was 20, we moved in together. Our sex life dropped off quite a bit because we were both busy; it caused some fights, actually. But we got through it because we were willing to talk about it and to work through it. He didn't dismiss my concerns and I didn't dismiss his.
We got married last year at 24 and 26, having both finished college. We waited that long so that we could afford the wedding we wanted and to make sure we were ready. We both grew a great deal during the past seven years; we're not the same people we were at 18/19. We weren't mature enough or comfortable enough with ourselves to get married then.
I say all that to illustrate that it CAN work, getting together with someone at your age, but it requires a LOT of maturity and more than the usual amount of patience and communication. If he won't listen to you and dismisses your attempts to talk by redirecting you to your schoolwork, it's not a good sign for your future happiness. I think you should try counseling, individually at least if he won't go, too. Your posts do read like those of someone who isn't emotionally mature enough to be married; at your age, in retrospect, I could see myself posting something similar -- I still had a lot of growing up to do.
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So you're saying that if he starts to beat you or your children that you would still stay with him, since I wasn't cheating?? As a woman that is young and is still young and preparing for marriage, you need to be willing to consider the fact that you and he will grow apart. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt and stop acting like you know everything. I know I am far from knowing everything, but I don't feel the need to defend my engagement/marriage to my fiance/husband because I feel comfortable with who I am and where I am in life. Just my two cents... I doubt you'll listen based on the responses you've given to others.
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If you have to ask, then yes. You are too young.
OP-
If you can't handle the stress of working, going to school, planning a wedding, and having a relationship, then you stop planning a wedding. You don't drop out of school (or take a year off). What are you going to do when marriage gets tough? What are you going to do when you have kids? Are you going to say, "Honey, that damn ulcer is acting up again. I need to give these kids away until things settle down." Suck it up.
FWIW, I went to school FT, worked FT, was in a LDR, and planned a wedding. It was stressful, but I sucked it up. Secondly, I went to school FT, took care of DS FT, had a deployed DH, and took care of our household. Was that stressful? Hell yes. Guess what? I sucked it up.
Secondly, about the "every state has different laws" thing. All kids start school by the age of 5. Some start at the age of 4. Some might also be closer to 6 depending on when their birthday is and the cutoff date for starting. The only way that you would graduate at the age of 19 is because you failed a grade, or you started late due to parental negligence. Which is it?
I think it would be wise to put off the wedding until you're both out of college. That way, you'll know for sure and save yourself some heartbreak if indeed it wasn't meant to be. It's really difficult to be in college and be married, unless you're a lot older and have good stable jobs. I've seen it work, but the couple was in their thirties and already had a good income. They just wanted more education.
On the "take a year off to plan a wedding" front...I really think it's stupid to take a year off to plan a wedding. Maybe take a year off to write a book or travel the world or join the peace corps, but a wedding? Not important. You can get married at the JOP and still have fufilling marriage.
Also, like many women in this thread I planned my wedding in six months working 50 hours a week AND taking a full load at grad school. Maybe if you both finished college you could actually afford that house you were planning to buy in your second year...geez, I could barely afford those cheapo Tony's pizzas in my second year of college, let alone a house.
I planned my (large) wedding throughout my final year of law school and got married two weeks after I took the Bar Exam. I find it comical - and even a bit offensive - that you think you need to take a year off from school to plan your wedding.
My advice - if you can't manage a job, school, and a wedding all at once: postpone the WEDDING. It is the most foolish thing I have ever heard to take a year off school for a wedding. If you and your fiance are sooo in love and will be together forever, then there's no reason to get married right now.