Caribbean Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: OK, I'll give you some action - ask me anything.
Oh man Fent, I'm so sorry. I too am floored. I just want to give you a hug and pour some booze down your gullet.
And you're definitely welcome to come visit for ComicCon. Perhaps we can time everything so the Northern CA Wine Country GTG is around the same time and we can just head up there after you nerd out in San Diego.
Whoa, blindsided.
***, Fenton, i'm so sorry.
Yes, we are definitely talking about divorce. He seems to be pushing for a separation, but I know him and I know that will be the end of it anyway, and I have no desire to draw this out and make it harder. Unlike that Evee person on ML, I am not going to indulge some immature "time to himself" so he can go be alone then come back to me whenever he decides that would please him.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
It never feels good to hear that everything you're trying is failing despite your best efforts. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Thanksgiving is a tough call. I would probably stick to original plans until you know 100% what is happening between the two of you.
And I agree you should do whatever you're most comfortable with
Putting effort in and getting nothing in return is the friggin worst. I'm sorry.
At least you can take comfort in knowing that others share your pain. Your husband is being cold and emotionally unavailable, I can't flush my toilet. I'm here for you. I'm here.
Agreed. I have said "This makes no sense! We're in a funk for a few months and you think the solution is divorce? I'm sorry, I thought this was an adult marriage, not two teenagers going steady for three months." His response is, "Do you expect me to stay in a marriage if I don't feel in love? What if I live the rest of my life feeling like this?" I seriously feel like maybe he turned 16 overnight.
Tasty, I did ask if there was another person. He said no, and I believe him because he is home all the time. I did ask, "Have you met someone that's made you think about what it would be like to be married to someone different?" He said, "No, where would I meet someone?" I have to agree. There are some women he works with but I know all of them and most of them are married and I'm friendly with them. And he may be many things, but he's not a cheater.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Mother effer. I was really hoping he would have wisened up by now. Now I hope the poor baby is sitting somewhere cutting himself over how sad he is that no one understands his pain. FVCKER. I'm so pissed at his melodramatic teenager attitude. I think you need to kick him out so he can experience life where there's no one there to make appointments for him or change lightbulbs and generally get shiit done.
As for Thanksgiving, you should only go if you think you can endure everyone asking you how you're doing every 3 seconds and the reassuring advice everyone will want to dole out to you. I think that'll be the hardest part to deal with.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I don't even know if I would be able to form words over that. It's just so ridiculous.
My advice is to go on Thanksgiving. If it is one of the last times you'll see these people, you may regret not seeing them. And having you there may give Twan some perspective on what he may be losing in the way of family dynamics.
Either way, I'd take separate cars so you can take off if it gets to be too much for you.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
Cali, I appreciate the sentiment, and I am angry, but I don't hate him or anything. If he really has this much trouble working through his emotions, I feel bad for him. I hope that even if this doesn't work out that he keeps going to therapy.
I am also still open to the possibility that he is experiencing regular old depression and just doesn't know how to verbalize it. I'm not counting on that, but if it is the case, I think I could very easily get over all this and realize he just needs help. I'm trying not to hold onto that hope as an easy diagnosis/fix for the "us" problem.
ETA: I have to run and I will probably not get back on here for hours. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's so weird to try to come out with this to various people, but it's also very weird not to talk about it at all (a handful of my friends know, but most people don't -- no one at work, certainly).
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Um, yes, or never get married again b/c there are going to be those periods in every marriage.
2013 Calendars and More!
just saw this one.
He's 34.
He doesn't know what he wants, exactly.
I have told him this type of period and ups and downs are normal. My theory is he looks at his disgustingly cutesy parents and thinks that is what you should have 24/7. I have mentioned to him, You know if they ever did have problems, it's not like they're going to air them in front of you! He acknowledge that is true, and yet...
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
He said he's had a few days or a week of "ugh, I am so annoyed with her" in the past, but the fact that this has lasted months and I am not doing anything wrong (being attentive, affectionate, no fighting, etc.) is what makes him feel like this is different.
I haven't thrown anything yet, but I do have an occasional fantasy about breaking glass things over his head. I don't feel I've reached the point where that would be a productive action, but I'm not ruling it out in the future.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Kids of parents who don't fight in front of them have a hell of a time figuring out that it's normal and healthy to disagree, and then resolving conflict and moving on from it is a whole other issue, too.
I know. maybe parents were never sugar-wooger sickly sweet, but they didn't fight in front of us and I have a lot of trouble with conflict that i think is at least partly to blame from that.
You said Twan's family knows, are they aware of details or just that there's trouble?
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
My brother's ex-wife told him that one of the reasons she couldn't stay married to him was because they weren't as happy as they should be, like her parents. She went so far as to say that my parents' bickering made a poor example of what a marriage should be and set him up to emulate that behavior. The funny part about it is that her parents (and entire family) have the most dysfunctional relationship I've ever seen, but she just doesn't acknowledge it. As long as they didn't utter a cross word in front of the "children," it was all splendid.
2013 Calendars and More!
I'm so sorry, Fenton. That sucks. Just know that lots of folks (and a bunch of people around these parts, myself included) have gone through this stuff and made it out happy.
Am I a huge assshole for laughing really hard at this?
Claire Elizabeth 12/31/2011
Married Bio
You and me both, sister.
It really sounds to me like he's having some issues that really have very little to do w/ you. I've found, in my life, when I've felt insecure about myself or my decisions or my place in life, it manifests as "problems" in my relationships... if that makes sense. This is a real shame. I bet he'll regret this later.
Someone incredibly passionate about porkchops.
Fentor.
I am so sorry, man.
He just seems to have a very immature, Hollywood-ish notion of How Marriage Should Be. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help him understand that you can't sustain a constant, passionate, in-love dynamic in a very long-term relationship. And once you accept the ebb and flow, you still need to make the effort - and he doesn't seem willing to do that.
His general withdrawal seems weird too, and an indication that something else is going on. I really hope he fully explores all this stuff before making such a drastic decision.
Come be my sister wife. My kid is awesome and fun, my husband is cute and rich and just barely annoying enough that we can send him back and forth without too much issue.