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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: OK, I'll give you some action - ask me anything.
Hey Fitty,
This is Fenton. I'm using Groomz' account because I was painting my living room and I put a blanket over my computer and it died and then I met this guy dressed like a dwarf and there was this feather duster and...well...never mind. But it's me, Fenton.
I would happily accept your invitation to be your sister wife, but only if my very best internet BFF Groomz can come to and also be a sister wife. He'll even wear a wig if it would help Seba with the transition.
I think this would be the best possible solution for all of us. And it will be real fun and stuff.
Your special friend,
Fenton (really, I'm for serious, it's me, Fenton)
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
The more the merrier, Fenton! Tell him to bring his soon-to-be-born baby girl too, that way my kid won't hate me if I can't get pregnant and issue forth with a second child to keep him company.
I'm so sorry Fenton. It sounds like you are trying, it must be very frustrating.
It also sounds to me like Twan is having his own mental health issues, despite him telling you he isn't. Has he just seen the therapist or has he seen a doctor as well?
This blows. I'm sorry Fenton.
I feel like I could have echoed so many of your statements about a year ago. I also completely agree that he is dealing with some sort of depression of his own (though I know all too well that this doesn't ever mean there is an easy solution to the "us" problems if he's not interested in helping himself). I really hope things turn out differently for you and that he realizes before it's too late.
Geez, that sucks. Sorry to hear that Fent.
Whatever the resolution winds up being, I hope it comes with as much peace and as little pain as possible.
Fenton,
I am so sorry. I cannot believe how childish he is being, I will echo what others have sais and think he is dealing with his own mental issues and taking it out on you. I am so sorry, you do not serserve this and it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to save your marriage. I think you should head to thanksgiving to see your nieces, but take 2 cars.
You are welcome in DC anytime.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
I should state that if asked, he would tell you that he is trying and making an effort. He does spend time with me and go on our dates or whatever. But I feel like he is holding back in the affection department, waiting to get the spark back before he says and does anything too mushy. I think maybe he feels it would be like lying or something.
J&J, I do feel like I am detaching emotionally. I don't really have the same pain I had when this process first started. I was popping Xanax near daily and I'm not anymore. But it's a really fine line to walk between putting in all the effort you can and not feeling vulnerable. I'm managing it now, but I won't be able to for much longer.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I was joking, but you know how pissed I am for you. And my offer to Bethiechoke him still stands.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Well, it's hard as sh*t to live in the same house with a waffler and an affection withholder. My ex was like this. It was like walking on eggshells all the time and I was devastated.
I was trying to do everything the therapist was saying to do to make it better and he wasn't really doing sh*t or appreciating that I was obviously trying to make it work. He'd already checked out and when a guy does that- I think it's doubly hard for them to go back. They like to blindside with this stuff while they're still with you so they can decide what they want to do. Then when they're done, they're done.
Nightmare.
Ugh.
You can't "wait" for something like this to come back. This isn't the beginning of your relationship when you don't have to do anything and the sparks will still fly. It isn't "lying" to try to make your committed relationship better! It's not like you're a woman he just met and he's leading you on for no reason.
He can't hold back and expect things to improve - he's gonna have to put some skin back in the game. It's ok to limp along for a while (again, this isn't the movies), but if he doesn't consciously decide you and his marriage are worth it and then act on that, he can't be surprised when he drifts further off.
You deserve infinitely better than what he is contributing here. Hugs, friend.
Yes, yes and yes.
I'm feeling very bummed for you.
Yes, this a brazilian times over. You have always taken good care of Twan, and the fact you have upped your game lately just shows how far you are willing to go to show him how much you love him. It's sad that he can't seem to muster up 1/100th the effort you're putting forth. I'm sorry he's being such an ass.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Yes, you can ask for updates whenever. I didn't post about it here until I was OK talking about it and could handle whatever people wrote (anything from "you're a failure for not trying hard enough" to some hater board C&Ping this and moching me, which even when I was most upset would've just been laughable anyway).
I went to Thanksgiving. I decided I would be more likely to regret staying home than going. My MIL called me a few hours before we left and said she wanted me to come, which was nice. So we got down on Wednesday night and I spent most of the time playing with my nieces. My MIL, who had gotten down earlier, said, "They've been asking all day, 'When is Aunt Jen getting here?'" which I thought may have been exaggerated to make me feel better, but again, nice of her to try. I played card games and hand clapping games and whatever else with them. The older one fell asleep in my lap. I tried to entertain them Thursday morning, too, while my ILs were all cooking. There was one point when the older one came up and said, I'm cold, hold me. So I did, and I sat there on the couch trying to take a mental snapshot of the moment, just in case. I wondered if she will like her new aunt better than me, and I wondered if ten years from now the younger one (3 1/2) will even remember me.
Then around noon the rest of the family got there. I feel pretty close to all of them, and in the moment, it felt like this is my normal life that I love, and I'm happy. No one but my ILs (his parents and his brother & wife) know, so it wasn't like everyone was asking me if I was OK, which I wouldn't have wanted. I tried to enjoy it as much as possible and be cheerful; and it's not like I was faking it, just choking down other feelings. I ate at a table with Twan's aunt, a couple of his cousins and his brother. At one point I said that we have to leave soon, and his cousin said, "Nooo, I don't want you to leave!" and his brother said, "I don't want you to leave either." And in my head I heard, "I don't want you do leave our family," and that hit me kind of hard. All I could say was, "Yeah, I know, but we have to."
When we left, I got in the car and I was 100% totally cool and definitely did not have silent tears streaming down my face, and Twan did not ask, "What can I say to make you feel better?" and I didn't tell him there's nothing to say, really, and I didn't keep crying for awhile. Because that would be weak, and I am very tough. The end.
There's nothing new as far as the two of us. Our next appointment isn't until a week from Monday. In the meantime, we're supposed to be reading the book our therapist told us to get, but it's been kind of crazy. I'm hoping we can both get through at least a few pertinent chapters by middle of next week.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Fenton, that sounds so bittersweet. I know with my ex I didn't feel like I was just losing "him" I was losing his family and for me, that was worse. Well, not his mom & stepfather because they are Born Again and hated that I'm a Jew but I was super close with his sister and her kids. I was there when those little girls were born and was around until the oldest was 5 and the younger one was 3. I spent ridiculous amounts of time with those girls. I tried to maintain a relationship with the sister and the kids for like a year after but it was just too hard, He had been cheating and he was with the new girl openly almost immediately so anytime I went to see his sister it was like the big white elephant in the room.
The worst part of your story to me is that his family and you really seemed to be clinging on and Twan seemed oblivious or like he didn't really care. You want to shake him and be like- hey- do you see what they're seeing?? What is WRONG with you???
Thing is even if YOU read the book you can't do the work or love enough for both of you....and you shouldn't have to. So, here's to hoping HE reads and is taking it to heart...not just following directions to be able to say "Well, I tried".
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
I'm taking my plate to the criers table. The part about wondering about their new aunt was my undoing.
This is a lot of what I/we went through last holiday season. It's a weird, weird feeling, trying to picture a world different from this one. I'm glad you went and had that time.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
My face is all wet.
Fent, I love you. I'm sending you my strength and love.
He's an idiot for letting you go.
I'll be your Huckleberry.
Thanks, guys.
And I'm pretty sure he's moving at least temporarily into his parents' house this week. He's going to pack and leave while I'm at work on Wednesday.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse