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On a scale of 1 to God You're Awful, how selfish am I? (long)
Okay, here's the backstory since I don't post here, I'm on the Bump usually.
I grew up with two parents who had drug problems, my father was never around and my mother was abusive, and by abusive I don't mean she gave me a spanking every now and then, I mean she strangled me one time to the point that social service has pictures on file of bruises circling around my neck. I was 15 at the time and she was mad because she told me to bring her her cigarettes and I didn't.
After that incident CPS finally got involved and my younger sister and I were adopted by our pateral grandmother and we moved a state away. About 4 years ago we tried to reconcile with our biological mother to no avail, she has continued her lifestyle and has proven again and again that all she has to offer is pain and family issues. So, I have washed my hands of her. This is no secret as I am very vocal about never wanting to speak to her, see her, or have anything to do with her again. My sister however goes back and forth on the issue. One day she claims she is done and has learned her lesson, the next day she loves her and always will because she gave birth to her. I should probably also add that she was not abusive towards my sister, only me.
Well, my sister has now decided to get married to the father of her child and informed me that she would be inviting our biological mother to the wedding. That last I heard she was no longer speaking to our mother because she had just been arrested and was headed to rehab or something of the sort so this was a big shock to me.
I told my sister I won't go to her wedding if she is there. I will not be around her, my husband will not be around her, and my child will not be around her. My sister cried and told me I'm selfish, how could I possibly make her choose between us, etc. But, I don't feel like there is much of a choice. The sister who has been there for you through everything or the mother who has done nothing but let you down?
So, my question is: Is it wrong for me to not go to my sisters wedding, or is it okay to be selfish in a case like this?
Re: On a scale of 1 to God You're Awful, how selfish am I? (long)
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
What you've done is insert yourself as the center of attention at the wedding planning, which is rude. You have no right to ask anyone to set their invitation list to suit you, for any reason whatsoever.
All you have to do when someone invites you somewhere you do not wish to be is to say "I'm so sorry; we're not going to be able to make it but I do wish you all the best"; and, since it's your sister's wedding, send a nice gift. Instead, you are demanding that she uninvite your mother, or else you're not coming!!! dramadrama. Your sister knew you don't see your mother; she hoped you'd both come; you're not willing to do so; so stay home.
I understand that your reasons are valid for not wanting to see her; but this is not the point. The point is, your mother's presence is accepted in certain places, including your sister's wedding, for whatever reason, which reason is sufficient unto your sister.
Apologize to your sister for the position you've put her in; get yourself into some counselling to deal with your issues with the abuse you suffered as a child; and find your sister a nice wedding gift. On a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst, I'd put you at a 7 or so.
Wait a second, I DID NOT tell her to not invite her, I simply told her I will not be there. I told her I love her and I want her day to be great, but I won't be there. Simple as that. I told her it is up to her and she can invite whoever she wants and I won't be upset with her.
I also don't need counseling but thank you for that advice. I have moved on with my life and did what was best for me and my family which is cutting my bioglogical mother out of it. And part of that is keeping my distance from her. Sometimes moving on is not about forgiveness and making up, sometimes it's about cutting your losses and keeping that person out of your life.
I am not sure how large it will be. My sister is 19, has a child already, and is not at all close to most of the family because she isolates herself and tends to want nothing to do with them unless she sees something to be gained for herself. I know that sounds harsh but that is the truth. And I doubt being civil would be possible. On my end I know I would not say anything to hurt or embarass my sister, my biological mother on the other hand will most likely get drunk and make a scene if I'm there.
First off, I want to say that nobody is obligated to face the person who has abused them. Or expose their child to a toxic, abusive drug addict.
However, you tried to reconcile with her ON YOUR OWN, four years ago. So you were not that concerned about your safety, were willing to see her, etc. What happened at that meeting? Was she just strung out? Or was she verbally / emotionally abusive to you?
If she was just a drug addict looking for money and complaining about her life, then I would go to the wedding. That is really not something that you need to care about, and being embarressed by your trashy addict mom is not a good enough excuse to miss your sister's wedding. However, if she was screaming obscenities at you and telling you what a horrible daughter you are, then I would skip the wedding. One because you don't owe it to anybody, even your own sister, to be treated like that, and two, because your sister deserves a wedding without the drama - even if she is inviting the drama queen.
I would also stop talking to your sister about your mom. Tell your sister your mom is dead to you, and you're not going to talk about her. It might feel better when your sister calls to say "oh, I am DONE!" but you know that it's a short-lived vow, and you need to disengage from any conversation about your mom, don't ask about her, etc.
Edit: In either case, I probably would not take my daughter to the wedding.
Four years ago when I tried to reconcile I didn't have child to worry about for one thing and my goal was not to have a normal mother-daughter relationship but it was more of an attempt to just make peace and move on. It's hard to explain, but it was kind of like I don't love you or hate you and you won't be a part of my life but I can't keep stewing about this forever. (If that makes any sense) And it did not go well, she was verbally abusive several times after that and my husband and I had to get her number blocked on our phones and it was a big mess.
Given your update, I would not go. You are not obligated to open yourself up to that kind of behavior, even for your sister.
You also need to not be angry at your sister for inviting her mom. She has a different relationship with her mom than you do, and you can't FAULT her for wanting to invite her mom to her wedding (crazy though it may seem). You need to respect her decision (instead of asking yourself, "why wouldn't she rather invite the sister who has taken care of her"), and insist that she respect yours. "Sis, I understand you are disappointed, but I will not be anywhere where mom is. I respect your right to invite mom, but you need to respect my right to stay away from her."
Well said, it sounds so much better the way you put it.
It really sounds like this is a very untrue statement to me. I do not know how you could go through years of physical and emotional abuse and be fine.
You have every reason to be angry with your mother, so be angry. However, it seems to me that you are letting your mother control things. I can't say I have ever met anyone who would not benifit from therapy. Please consider it.
I told my sister I would not come if she was there is not distinguishable from if you invite her don't invite me. Which is telling her who to invite. Which is the rude part of this.
I know your mom was awful; and of course you don't have to go. But you are clearly outraged that your sister has picked your mother, who is a cruel and abusive drug user, over you, who have done so much for her; and you believe it is unfair for her to do so and you've made this clear to her as well. This is where you've made your misstep. You don't get to tell her who to invite or not invite; and your fury over her selection is doing just that.
I grew up in a horrificly abusive household with drug addicted alcoholic parents; I have some idea of the misery you suffered, and it's not fun. I too kept my children from any contact with those who painfully abused me. I strongly suggest counselling for you, to help you manage this. Your level of outrage at this makes it clear that you have not resolved your feelings over the matter nor laid them to rest, and it'd be really helpful if you could.
I went to counseling for a while in high school. I mean am I just supposed to go to counseling the rest of my life because I got dealt a bad hand as far as parents are concerned. I'm pretty well adjusted considering what I went through. I have a stable marriage, I'm college educated, I have a good job, my childhood doesn't interfere with my life or cross my mind unless I'm faced with situations like this (which are rare seeing as no one in my family has anything to do with my mother other than my sister). What exactly would the goal of counseling be for me? To go to a wedding she's going to be at? If your ex-husband hit you would you want to go anywhere he was? Would counseling make you want to go?
It doesn't sound like you've moved on at all.
Based on your original post and your followup post, I can see how your sister's interpretation of events would be very different. It sounds like you absolutely told your sister to choose between you and your mother -- and you all but admit that's what you did in your original post.
I was more outraged at the fact that she absolutely expected me to go and thought I was the devil for even suggesting that I would not be there. All this right after she said she wasn't going to my baby shower because she was mad at my Grandmother. The only difference was I didn't get upset with her, if she chooses not to go then so be it. Yes I would love for her to be there but that's not a battle I choose to fight.
I was not implying that you should or shouldn't go to this wedding and can understand that you wouldn't want to be around someone who hit you.
However, I think counseling can help you work through your anger and feelings.
http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm
You and your sister are hurting each other over something that is the fault of neither of you. This is pretty typical of survivors of child abuse. It's also typical of survivors to cling to the idea that one day, maybe, the abuser will change, or be different, or be sorry, and boy howdy that's going to be great!! when in fact they never change and never will; and even if they did, it wouldn't make any difference to the past.
You distanced yourself from your mom, and that's great; but that's not healing, that's just keeping yourself from gettting hurt again. Please seek some help; it's clear you still hurt from this. Abuse causes changes in brain function and chemistry, and cognitive therapy can correct this. Please take advantage of the support groups out there, and of the therapy that's available.
http://www.havoca.org/Triangle/triangle%20intro.htm
here's where you're at right now; read the whole page.
I also think counseling wouldn't be a bad idea.
In your shoes, I wouldn't make this "all or nothing." Leave the baby home with your DH, attend the ceremony only, wish the bride and groom well, and then politely take your leave.
I guess I'm confused as to what constitutes healing. Would that mean having no reaction to her at all, or having an all is forigven attitude towards it?
Please realize the following is said in a loving sisterly way, not a snarky way: you need more counseling if you are still struggling with this situation. I don't think that you need lifelong counseling, but you need to get to a point where you become a bit more detached and unbiased toward the choices your sister makes.
My story - I was born (unplanned) three week before my dad started med school, when he was 22 and my parents had been married for 9 months and 3 hours. My dad was raised in an abusive and alcoholic home and that is the script he felt was appropriate for raising me. My sister was born (planned) almost 7 years later, when he was finishing his residency and had more income and income potential.
We were raised very differently. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive toward me, but treated my sister like a princess. I cut him out of my life 6+ years ago and she still has a loving relationship with him, and he still financially supports her at the age of 30.
My sister is finishing her grad degree soon and wants me to go to her ceremony. The sperm donor will be there. I'm not thrilled about him being there, but I want to support her. I'm at the point where my relationship with her is not tied to my relationship with him. And that is the (rather long winded, sorry) goal for you to get to with therapy.
I'm not telling you that you have to go to the wedding. You need to do what is best for you. But the long term goal is that you want to be in a healthy place emotionally, regardless of this wedding.
Best wishes.
I think it may also be beneficial to say that my sister and I aren't extremely close. We talk maybe a few times a month and see each other every few months usually if my Grandmother has a dinner or something. It's not like we talk every day and are super close to one another. I think that may help understand my perspective on all this, maybe a little anyway.
Neither. It means understanding; which you are lacking; and empathy.
Right now you're angry (and hurt) at your sister because of all you've done for her and how little your mother has done for her. Counselling would help you understand where she is, where you are, how those places differ, and you would not be angry, wouldn't have gotten hurt, and wouldn't have hurt your sister. Which would be nice for you. Doesn't mean you have to forgive your mom; or have no reaction to her; but would mean you'd have a better relationship with your sister, which your mother's brutal abuse has damaged. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
It would also help you learn what normal is; which would be helpful in your relationship with your dh and your child. You were damaged. Your responses to life are those of a damaged person. I'm telling you from the other side; it's better over here.
I don't think the " all is forgiven" attitude is the appropriate one, it's closer to the less reaction attitude.
It doesn't happen all at once, but I definitely feel myself reacting less to situations than I did 5 years ago. In addition to having less of a reaction, if I have a strong feeling about something that happens, I'm able to let go of it more easily.
I understand what you are saying, OP.
I'm not close to my sister either but I'm trying to work on the relationship some. That may or may not be the choice that you decide to make.
How long until you have to decide how you are RSVP'ing?
ETA - Agree with SueSue that you need to learn what "normal" is. Counseling helped me a lot with that. It was a pretty eye opening process.
Just because I grew up in that situation doesn't mean I am reliving it now. My husband and I don't scream at each other, call each other names, hit one another, abuse drugs or alcohol, or anything like that.
I really think you are going a bit overboard by saying my responses to life are that of a damaged person. As if everyone in the world who has opted out of going to a siblings wedding must have been abused and therefore clearly damaged for life.
I don't think I said you're reliving anything.
It's just helpful to gain understanding. I hope you feel better soon, regardless.
SueSue isn't saying that you are damaged. She's saying that if you have been raised in an abusive home, your perspective is different that someone that was raised in a loving home.
I know that mine certainly was and talking to an educated, unbiased third party helped me see that. It's not about fixing, it's not about you being wrong, it's about you having the best tools that you can have to cope with any challenging situation that comes up in your life and to use those to be the best parent that you can for your daughter.