Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: On a scale of 1 to God You're Awful, how selfish am I? (long)
I never post, but I am going to on yours.
You have ZERO obligation to your sister, or to your mother. Your ONLY obligation is to
I never post, but I am going to on yours.
You have ZERO obligation to your sister, or to your mother. Your ONLY obligation is to daughter and your husband.
Who your sister invites to her wedding is her business. Whether or not you go is yours. Don't bring it up again. You told her how you feel. Don't go... You have a right to distance yourself from anyone who is not good for you, or who you feel uncomfortable around, or who has wronged you in the past. If your sister chooses to overlook your mother's bad behavior, so be it. Kudos to you for not compromising your beliefs to "be there" for someone, even your sister.
I think what many of the replies are missing is that there is abuse, and then there is the type of abuse that requires CPS to get involved. I work in the system, and there is a BIG difference. I also agree with you on the counseling issue- there is acceptance, but not forgivness. No amount of counseling will "fix" your mother so that she is safe for your family to be around, and you are not required to forgive.
IMHO- i say go to the ceremony, and leave before the reception. During the ceremony it should be easy to avoid your bio mom (sit in the back, for example) But if your not comfortable with that, then you have made the right decision for you. You have to live your life for yourself, not your sister.
I do not think you are selfish.
I too would suggest more counseling. I'm not sure why you are so against it. Your responses/defensiveness to Sue seem to show that you are still harboring some issues that would be helped by talking to someone.
At a minimum, what could it hurt? Why fight against it so hard? You're still very young and. you are about to enter a VERY stressful/emotional time (having a newborn). I think counseling would help.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
I'm sorry but I have a problem with a lot of the things I am reading on here. I don't think you are being selfish at all. This woman strangled you. This woman was abusive to you. Unless somebody has been through that is it hard to understand why you would go to such lengths to avoid her, but obviously you were traumatized by what she did to you and there is no reason whatsoever for you to put yourself back into that abusive situation!! I was sexually abused by someone who is friends with someone I am close to, and if that person was invited to my friend's wedding I would not go. If that person was invited my godson's christening I wouldn't even go. Being around that person scares me and it takes me back to dark places so I can see perfectly why you would not want to do this. It is a situation where you have to choose your own mental HEALTH over a family member, which is hard, but if you don't want to do it then nobody can force you. It is not right for somebody to say you are being selfish for wanting to protect yourself. You are sticking to your boundaries which is the right and healthy thing to do.
I can still see why this might hurt your sister's feelings because, being a bride, you want everything to go perfect on your special day. Unfortunately life is not the movies. I don't think that you made it all about you by refusing to come, because obviously the spotlight isn't going to waver from the bride because... come on... not everybody's wedding is going to be a fairytale and people just need to accept that. She can't honestly be expecting a Cinderella dream day anyway if she's inviting her nightmare of a mother to the thing. Your sister will get over it. If she'd been the one going through the sort of trauma you'd been through, then she would understand. As it is, it might take some time.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!
I also want to say that I know there are a lot of support groups for survivors of parental abuse, and I'm sure a lot of those people have had to deal with people thinking they are selfish for wanting to have boundaries. If you are having trouble coping with this situation, I highly suggest seeking out a support group to help you deal.
Best of luck to you. Stay strong!
I'm sorry but I would just like to say one more thing....
I don't think its right to try to shove counseling and psychobabble down anybody's throat when they aren't willing or ready to hear it. I've been in therapy for years due to my trauma and honestly I have done more healing outside of therapy and learning on my own how to deal than I ever could have in therapy talking about my feelings for hours. Everyone deals with trauma in their own way and if the OP is not comfortable with counseling or therapy then that is her choice. Also I don't accept that part of healing is empathy and understanding because its pretty hard to feel empathy or understanding for a person who tries to kill you.
OP, in my opinion you are not obligated in any way to conform to society's ideal of "health" which is apparently walking around without a single negative thought in your head to do with your past. What happened to you was bad and you are allowed to feel as bad as you want to about it. It seems to me that you have moved on pretty well and are doing well in spite of what happened to you due to the fact that you are making healthy choices about yourself, your husband, and your child.
That's just what I think.
Am I the only one who thinks OP sounds better adjusted than many of the people who responded? I don't mean to be offensive, just being honest.
Mom was abusive. Daughter cut her out of her life for her own well-being. She went to counseling and decided that her best course of action was cutting all ties with someone who was - and still is - abusive to her. Now she doesn't want to be around her biological mother, and some of you are saying she's being selfish and needs to suck it up and go to sisters wedding? Oh yeah, and get counseling. To deal with what, exactly?
I don't think OP needs counseling. I don't think she should go to a wedding where drama could end up ruining your sisters day anyway. Send a gift. Maybe even offer to do something special with your sister before/after the wedding. But I think the smartest choice is keeping yourself and your loved ones away from someone so volatile (sp?). Good luck!