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Re: On a scale of 1 to God You're Awful, how selfish am I? (long)
Contrary to popular belief, I think that you are not being selfish, on a scale like a 2. I say 2 because people that are a 1 are willing to attend, and people that are 0 or -1 and willing to sit next to her and let her abuse them.
My dad was an abusive son of a b!tch, who abused us and my mother quite violently. In fact, my mom still has nightmares about the man even though they haven't talked to each other in ten years. He, like your mom, cannot be civil, whenever any family talks to him, he has to talk verbally abusive about us all, he can't help it. When my brother got married my mom said "You have the right to invite your dad, but I hope you will understand why I cannot attend if he does." My brother ended up not inviting my dad, because he was already starting drama at the time, and my mom attended. You need to protect yourself and no matter how big or small this wedding is, if she wants to abuse you she will find a way. If your mom is as bad as my dad is, hopefully your sister will dump her by the time the wedding starts, and you can attend with no hard feelings.
I want to first off, commend you for persevering in the light of such a horrible upbringing. I am so sorry for your troubles.
I would encourage you to seek out the services of a counselor, not because I think you're wrong/crazy/etc., but rather because you still seem to be holding on to a lot of anger over the situation. And, yes, it is perfectly normal for you to be so angry. However, this anger can hold you back and really impact your relationships with your family members, and I don't think you want that. So, I would encourage you to seek out a counselor to work on that.
With regards to the wedding and your sister, I can totally understand your decision not to go. Your mother has caused you nothing but pain in your life, and if it is really going to be too hard for you to be in the same room as her, I understand.
However, your sister is 19. She's already a mother, and she's about to become a wife. She is going to need all the love and support she can get. Showing up to her wedding lets her know that you support HER, you're there for HER. It is not about being willing to see your mom or not. I am pretty confident you could ignore your mother if you chose to, even if you're in the same room. But I think, if you can stomach it, showing up for your sister's wedding could be the greatest gift you give her.
Please think it over.
My mom didn't go into therapy until she was in her late 30's with two teenage children (one in college, one on the way to college), a great career, and a loving, long-term marriage. I don't know what sparked it. She didn't have a crisis of any sort (that I could see), and her life has resumed much the same since. But it was significantly helpful for her, her mental health and long-term happiness. SIGNIFICANT. I saw it the most at her mother's funeral. After the abuse of her childhood, her sister had moved across the country, built her life but never faced the demons of abuse and alcoholism. She was visibly shaken and in pain. My mother was visibly healthy and collected. It was remarkable.
I don't care about this wedding and I think you are at minus10 for selfishness if you don't go. Your sister is 19 and completely unable to see your point of view. She's just too young to see beyond her own experiences. No offense to the really mature 19 year olds out there - but come on, you know this.
I do care about you and your options to heal. You have many. And I hope you make good use of them some day.
My mom didn't go into therapy until she was in her late 30's with two teenage children (one in college, one on the way to college), a great career, and a loving, long-term marriage. I don't know what sparked it. She didn't have a crisis of any sort (that I could see), and her life has resumed much the same since. But it was significantly helpful for her, her mental health and long-term happiness. SIGNIFICANT. I saw it the most at her mother's funeral. After the abuse of her childhood, her sister had moved across the country, built her life but never faced the demons of abuse and alcoholism. She was visibly shaken and in pain. My mother was visibly healthy and collected. It was remarkable.
I don't care about this wedding and I think you are at minus10 for selfishness if you don't go. Your sister is 19 and completely unable to see your point of view. She's just too young to see beyond her own experiences. No offense to the really mature 19 year olds out there - but come on, you know this.
I do care about you and your options to heal. You have many. And I hope you make good use of them some day.
Rather than saying "I'm not going if she goes," which can easily stress any bride out, you could've handled it differently by waiting to decline the invite until it arrives in the mail, explaining that you "can't" make it and then sending a nice gift. Or doing what a PP said and attending the ceremony by yourself (sans H and child), sitting as far away from BM as possible, then wishing your sister well and leaving without going to the reception.
BUT, I don't think you're being selfish. You are doing what's best for you and your family by not wanting to be around the psycho drama queen. In fact, in some of your posts it sounds like your sister has more selfish tendencies than you do. And given her age it doesn't surprise me.
First you said that she's not close wtih most of the family. Is she inviting them all to the wedding just for the purpose of them bringing her gifts and money?
And secondly, she didn't go to your baby shower because she was mad at your grandma, who was going to be there. So it's ok for her to skip out on something important to you (and you let it go) but when you don't want to be around the woman who ruined your childhood she's going to cry and throw a tantrum about it? Yep....she's 19 alright. 19 and selfish.
This. Your sister is trying to manipulate you by making you feel bad and playing the bride(zilla) card as a means to get away with this.
Particularly after blowing off your baby shower because she as mad at your grandmother, I think she's way out of line by crying and trying to guilt you by calling YOU "selfish". That is childish and manipulative.
I agree with the PP who said no one should be forced to be around their abuser. If sis had an ounce of compassion or sensitivity, she would respect your feelings, not scream "Buuut you HAVE to be there! It's MYYYYYY dayyyyy!"
Seriously, what terrible fate will befall her - or anyone for that matter - if you're not there to witness her pretty princess day? Just politely decline any further requests to attend, do not engage in any discussion about it, and for God's sake, DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
I wouldn't go, either. I think you're pretty justified in skipping the wedding.
i think you should go. your sister is more important than your mom. be sure to be far away from mom during it though.
Couldn't agree w/ this more.
FWIW, both my bro & sis invited our bio father to their weddings. My sis didn't even bother to tell me, but I knew my bro would have him at his. I don't have a relationship w/ our bio father and never will again. While it was a little uncomfortable, I did my part and was there to support their marriage. I wasn't about to risk screwing up my relationship w/ my siblings just b/c they wanted him there.
I don't really care if I have any type of relationship with her or not anymore. Over the last few days she has pulled even more "everyone in this family hates me, and you are the golden child bullsh!t" and "how dare you try to ruin my hypothetical wedding" (since there is no date, no venue, no NOTHING) so I'm just done at this point. She and my mother are both BSC and blood ties are not enough to put up with their ridiculous antics any longer.
is that true? how old are you? when did they get engaged? i dont know if not having a date or a venue really equals a hypothetical wedding-i mean we all had that time when we were engaged before everything was planned. for some that time is very long, for some that time is very short. i mean she is 19, clearly a bit immature as prety much every 19 year old is, has a child and as an added bonus has her sister giving her grief about how she won't attend if mom is there already before any planning is in motion along with the probably difficult decision of if she should even contact/or not her bio mother and if she should or shouldn't invite her. i'd probably be a bit nuts too.
I wouldn't call myself "the golden child". She is referring to the fact that we are very different and yes, most of the family does treat me differently. That is because A) I make choices that make sense, and
I actually keep in contact and visit them. She has not spoken to our extended family in years, her last contact was sending them an invite to her baby shower, and the last time she called our Grandmother it was to tell her happy birthday on the wrong day. Therefore, I am closer to our family.
She also referenced that fact that she is upset about how my pregnancy is being received vs. hers. I have been married nearly 4 years, my husband and I both have college degrees and jobs, and we live on our own and support ourselves and have since we were married. She got pregnant last year, was living with her boyfriend and his family, they had just gotten back together after a breakup, neither of them had jobs, neither of them have an education, and they were completely dependent upon his parents and government assistance, as they still are.
They got engaged a few months after she found out she was pregnant, so they have been engaged about a year now I guess. She has broken off the engagement twice since then by the way.
My mom walked out on MS sand I when I was 12 and MS was 15. She chose to start new life with her b/f.
We didn't hear from her for years after she literally dropped us off on my MD's door step. MD worked out for town alot and pretty much MS had to grow up and be a mom to me at 15.
Over the years MS put up a wall and blocked our mom out of her life. I made numerous attempts to have a relationship with my mom, and 2 years ago we became friends again (I don't feel you can jusmp into a mother daughter relationship after a strain that lasted 14yrs) MS was angry when I invited our mom to my wedding, but she said its not as though she have to speak to her.
MS wouldn't take pictures with her, so a number of my family photos are missing MS BIL and Nieces.
I kow my situation isn't simialr to yours, but it is your sisters day and all she needs from you is support. Be there for your sister and just ignore your mom. You don't want a strain put on the rlationship you have with your sister.
ok-so it sounds like she and some of your other family members do see you as the golden child. you're not the same people-of course-so you'll be different, make different choices etc... who cares if the family is seeing her pregnancy differently from yours-there's nothing you or she can do about that now. i wouldn't even discuss that with her.
i still dont see any real reason here that she's not just acting like a normal 19 year old who has (clearly) made some choices that she's having trouble dealing with. from what you wrote i think she may be feeling a bit of jealousy towards you as well as perhaps a bit of percieved thunder stealing.
again-how old are you? it matters not if you have degrees and or jobs, etc... AGE is a huge factor in how people act/deal with issues/others generally. i'd like to know how muhc older YOU are. i'm guessing 23?
in the end though-i dont know why you'd consider ruining your relationship with her (especailly with her making these decisions at only 19) over your mother being at the same wedding. i cant imagine how awful it must be for you to think about going after all that you've been through but i find myself wondering what's more important-you not seeing mom or your relationship with your sister?
I'm 22, I don't see how that matters though. And and education and jobs are very important when it comes to bringing another life into the world. We are just simply very different. And as I said before I'm to the point now that a relationship with her is not important. After reading this entire post it is crystal clear that continuing to try to have a normal relationship with her is futile at this point.
I also don't think she wants to invite our biological mother out of love or anything like that. I truly believe our mother is such a complete screw up that she is the only person in our family that makes my sister feel like she is doing really well so she wants her around for that reason.
i wasn't referencing kids with that statement-just life and decisions. see underlined in my previous post. i make that statement because i kind of see you thinking you need to make a decision about this now-you're so SO young (22) and so is she-you're very close in age really. who cares if you're more responsible? is she a bad person? a jerk? spiteful? a liar? a thief? THOSE to me are reasons to break ties iwth someone-not just because they've made bad choices. i'm wondering, since clearly this wedding isn't any time soon, if you could just see how it goes. i'd bet you that after the baby is born a lot will change (or maybe not but i hope they will). you may regret making a decision to break ties with her for something that may or may not happen in the future (mom at wedding).
so you got married at what 17? 18? eek on that alone but you're right-it does seem like you're very different people. i have to say though, if you talk to her the way you're writing about her it's no wonder that she says the things she does. for a kid who's barely out of college and got married basically in high school----eh-imo that's a stupid idea but hey-if its working for you fine.
i also kind of LOLd at 'she called grandma on her birthday but it was the wrong day'. whw HASNT done that!? i dont know if anyone who hasn't screwed up a date at one point or another. i called my own father on the wrong date once!! that has nothing to do with being a good family member or not. And i was 34 when i did that-just last year.
I would not go to the wedding if you mother attends.
Your sister knows full well your reasons for not wanting your mother in your life. Her choice to put her mother on the invite list knowing how you would react.
Your sister has put you in a Catch-22 and has no one but herself to blame.
"It's her day" counts when a dress isn't flattering or the menu doesn't suit. Serious physical and emotional abuse? Your needs trump "her day". Every.single.time.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I have two thoughts on this.
1)when my sister got married my mom told her that she invited our grandfathers wife [step-grandmother] that my mother wouldn't go. Now this greatly upset my sister, and I'm sure that your sister is equally upset-maybe more. As sisters, we don't like to see them hurt if we can help it-and you can. You can simply tell your sister that while you don't agree with it, you will go to the ceremony and stay for dinner-but beyond that you and your family will not be there. Or you can just RSVP 'no'.
2)you have every right to protect yourself and your family from people that have caused the amount of damage that your mom has caused you. You have every right to say that you won't make it, and if your sister asks why, you should tell her the truth. I'm sure that there is some concern about a scene being made at your sisters wedding-maybe contributing to your reservations about being there.
My opinion on a solution? If you have time before the wedding to have a conversation or two with your mom to ensure that everyone behaves themselves and the two of you are clear on where your relationship stands then why not go to your sisters wedding?? If there isn't time, or your mom isn't going to behave-then don't go, and when you RSVP 'no' you will know for yourself that you have done everything you could within reason to make it work. And send a great gift.
I come from a family situation sort of like yours. . . and, I'm sorry, but I don't think the pp's have ANY idea what it's like. Give me a break. . . "Don't do this to your sister. . . support her marriage.... it's her day...."
I almost threw up all over myself. I'm a pretty cynical person, but I doubt your sisters marriage is going to last... She's 19 for f*cks sake!!! It's a wedding, it's not like she is on her deathbed dying of cancer. Do whatever is best for you. Don't get manipulated and/or guilted in to anything
Your sister is a toxic manipulator.
If you decided, for some reason, that you wanted to be there could you just attend the ceremony and skip the rest?
I def know what its like. It was horrible for me to find out at my sister's wedding that she invited our sperm donor and didn't bother to tell me. I detest him w/ a passion and she had been so against having him there and then the night before had a change of heart. When he walked in the door I about puked all over the place. I only said for OP to support her sister and her marriage b/c it sounded like she was at least trying to have a decent relationship with her. After reading her further replies, I wouldn't urge her to go at all at this point.
OP, def do what you feel is best for YOU. Don't feel obligated to do something that you know isn't in your heart. Best of luck.
I never post, but I am going to on yours.
You have ZERO obligation to your sister, or to your mother. Your ONLY obligation i
sI never post, but I am going to on yours.
You have ZERO obligation to your sister, or to your mother. Your ONLY obligation is t
oI never post, but I am going to on yours.
You have ZERO obligation to your sister, or to your mother. Your ONLY obligation is to