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I'm too anxious for this gig
I took Joanna for a weight check today, and the pediatrician picked up on my anxiety immediately and told me I needed to relax. If I wasn't happy breastfeeding/pumping to just stop and give her formula. And to stop worrying about SIDS. He said the biggest risk to her well-being right now was just picking up on my anxiety. He also said that unless I wanted to make myself crazy, I needed to start putting her down for naps in her crib and that as long as she was fed, changed, and burped, to let her cry until she went to sleep (which flies in the face of nest wisdom for newborn care, right?).
So I am trying to relax. I just fed her, and she is sleeping in her crib - whew. But it is really hard. We don't have a monitor, but I feel like that would just feed my anxiety by encouraging me to constantly "peek in" on her via the monitor. (I can hear her fine in there from anywhere in the house, so a monitor would just be for the video.)
I keep crying at night because I start worrying about her safety while H and I are both asleep, and I don't want to put her down to go to bed. I don't know if that's normal or not. Sometimes I worry I'm not going to be able to handle being a mother.
Re: I'm too anxious for this gig
Look, we all have different levels of "normal".
SIDS is one of those things that I spent a lot of time worrying about too. You're still in that immediate postpartum period - some crying is OKAY and normal.
You will start to get more comfortable with everything - you are only a few days out, Tamb!
You guys just do what feels right to you - this is really all that parenting is, and it takes some time to be comfortable and confident in your decisions.
You are doing a great job. and we are all here for advice!
I have no first hand experience with this, but from what I have heard, it is normal to be worried and anxious the first couple of months (years). I hope that you can find some peace with it soon.
And you will most certainly handle being a mom just fine. You are a great mom, don?t let anyone tell you different.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are a great mother now, and you will continue to be a great mother. You've got this.
Sounds like you have to take care of you, friend. Have you talked to your own doctor? Maybe you need to revamp your postpartum strategy--my psych and I are working on a PP plan, but she's already told me a million times that if I feel like it isn't working, to call her ASAP and we would put our heads back together to get a new strategy together.
big hugs, tamb. You're doing a great job. Hang in there---we all believe in you.
Oh Tamb. I want to hug you. (I hope that's not creepy) I'm not a mother yet so I have no idea what you're feeling. I am positive though that you are already a wonderful mother and that you are completely cut out for this.
Everything is going to be okay. You are a bundle of hormones and nerves and you're also sleep deprived - I can't imagine how crazy that must make you feel. Things will get better, I just know it.
((((((((((you)))))))))
:squeezes your hand:
Keep your chin up tamb
Tamb, listen.
You are a fantastic mother and will continue to be. It is very normal to feel what you are feeling (as far as being concerned with your childs safety constantly). I remember thinking "My only job right now is keeping this little person alive". You are doing it and doing it well. I know it is so much easier said than done. Those first few weeks and months are so very hard.
Have you thought about seeing your doctor to discuss it? It might be worth it to see if they have any coping mechanicism that you can use. I don't have any other advice just validation that you are doing wonderously and try not to worry so much.
What you're feeling is normal. Your hormone levels are coming down, you're getting less sleep, and it's your first child. Crying is OK and totally normal! I went through a period about two weeks after my DD was born of the same thing, being anxious and scared and crying. It does go away (and if it doesn't, talk to someone about it!).
You're handling it just fine. Also, this might sound creepy but I have a monitor that we've used maybe five times you could have if you want (not a video monitor, so no peeking required), I'd be happy to send it to you. It was nice to have when my DD was a newborn, and I felt better about getting things done around the house while DD was sleeping during the day cause I could hear her (she snores, LOL).
You're doing just fine.
Oh honey. Give yourself a break. You CAN do this. This makes me want to cry for you:
Can you talk to your therapist or anyone about this? I'm not a mom, but this does seem a little concerning and like something worth talking about while it's still manageable.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
No - he said to call him if I needed anything, but he also said that in his experience, people who had dealt with anxiety and depression before tended to interpret normal anxiety and baby blues as something more serious. Since I'm still in the first couple of weeks, I'm waiting to see if it gets better before calling him.
((Tamb)) Yes, this is totally normal. You're still really early in the game so try to give yourself a break, take one day at a time and don't worry about the big picture right now. And yes, a lot of this is probably PP hormones working themselves out. Really, though, give yourself some time. I promise you it gets better, even if it's just a liiiiitle bit better, every day.
Hm. I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I think a lot of what you might be feeling IS normal, and that knowledge should give you some comfort (you're not doing it wrong, baby is normal, you are normal).
But on the other hand, you should not feel as though you are alone in this. Post partum mental health is a serious issue, and you're at higher risk than most. Why wouldn't you be encouraged to seek out support if and when you need it?
I was totally like that about SIDS initially. Getting an Angelcare monitor made it so that I could sleep without waking up every half hour in IS SHE OKAY?! cold sweats. I knew it really worked too, because pretty much every time the H was next up for a nighttime waking he'd forget to turn it off and it would trip, heh.
It's really normal to have a 'holy sh*t what did I DO?!' spell around a week and a half-2 weeks with a newborn. Just relax and drink some wine, and this too shall pass.
I get you on this. I was the same way. I never dared fall asleep or co-sleep with my kids when they were tiny.
There was a stretch, the first couple of weeks, when Mason would NOT be put down to sleep. I was so exhausted that we put our baby seat in the middle of our king sized bed for him to sleep in. He did fine in that, and I kept trying to put him down in his pack and play at every waking. Eventually, he didn't protest and all was well. This is the seat we had:
Are you completely anti-bed sharing? I ask because I was. When I was pregnant there was NO WAY I was going to let my baby sleep in bed with us, and sure enough when we got her home for the first few nights I was putting her to bed in her crib, in her own room.
And she haaaated it. She would fall asleep, sleep for 20 minutes and wake up. Rinse and repeat.
We did this for two or three nights and I wanted to off myself. Finally I was like FORGET THIS BUSINESS and just brought her to bed with us. The three of us slept like logs. So for the first three weeks or so of her life she slept with us, and it was fantastic. She slept all night, only waking up once to eat. I maintained my sanity.
Then at about 3, 3.5 weeks, she got really wiggly and snorty and while she was still sleeping really well, neither H nor I were. So we started putting her to bed in her bassinet in our room. She would sleep there for the first half of the night, wake up to eat, and then sleep the second half of the night in our bed. (She would FREAK if I tried to put her back in the bassinet after that middle of the night feeding.) I don't remember how long that lasted, maybe a week or two?
THEN we started putting her back into her bassinet after the nightly feeding and she went back no problems at all. That lasted until she was about 7 weeks old.
At around 7 weeks she gave up the middle of the night feeding altogether and just goes to sleep in her bassinet (still in our room) and wakes up about 12 hours later, happy as a pig in shiit. We are going to move her bassinet into the nursery this weekend and see how that goes, and then if it all goes well, put her into her crib.
This was a really really long way of saying that what worked for us is doing things incrementally. They spend 9 months in the tightest little spot where everything is cozy and warm, so it only makes sense that they're happiest when they're close to you and can feel you breathing and hear your heart beating. Putting her in your bed at night means that you both get to sleep, and it won't be forever. It might only be a matter of a few very short weeks!
Right now you cannot imagine that one day you will miss the fact that your newborn will sleep peacefully on your chest.
The first weeks are the hardest. Call in the cavalry. Your parents, his parents, friends and neighbours. Get thee some rest.
Listen, this mom thing is not always fun. Don't let anyone let you think otherwise. Call your own doc and have a discussion if it helps.
As far as the sleeping quote here - sometimes they do need to be held. Have you tried getting her to sleep somewhere beside her crib? DS sleeps in his carseat. If he is laying flat in his crib, it's a nightmare. So, since he is happy in his carseat, that's where he sleeps. In his carseat, in his crib. When I had him in for his pedi appt for being sick, she told me to try to keep him elevated when he slept, I giggled and told her he slept in his carseat so that wasn't a problem. She just smiled and said at that age, wherever they get sleep is best - carseat, crib, swing - as long as they sleep. So... try a few different places out maybe?? It's worth a shot.
I pretty much follow what you're pedi said. I rescue him if he's really amping it up but I do believe there is a point where holding a screaming baby isn't comforting to either of us. So if he's fussy while I'm holding him and fussy while he's in his crib and there's nothing left I can do for him, in the crib he goes. I figure he's probably tired anyway.
That being said, if that approach doesn't feel comfortable to you or would increase your anxiety, then do what feels more comfortable to you.
I don't think there's anything wrong with giving her formula if that's what gives you a measure of peace and helps to alleviate some of your anxiety, you know, one less thing to worry about. Would it enable you to try a medication that would help manage your anxiety better?
Also, I think you're handling things pretty damned well, Tamb. You're a new mother and newborns are anxiety inducing things, especially with all the information, chatter, and crap that we're innundated with on a daily basis. You're seeking help, talking to other parents, involving your pediatrician, etc. Plus, your daughter is beautiful, healthy, loved, and thriving.
You've got this.
Click me, click me!
Well, if you want it, it's yours. We don't use it anymore - ours can scale the sides of her crib now, so we hear her juuuuuuuust fine. I also went back and read your OP that you can hear her from any room in the house, so I realized you didn't actually want one right now. LOL Reading fail on my part.
Just breathe. You're doing great. The first few weeks are the hardest, and you're only a week and a half into it. It's a lot of change all at once. All the sudden, you'll feel way more comfortable and like you know what you're doing, and more like you're getting into a routine (though it will constantly change!). And when people tell you to sleep when she sleeps - take their word for it. There's nothing better than a nice nap when you're feeling anxious, tired, and overwhelmed!
Tamb, I experienced the same things you are.
We solved it by taking turns sleeping with Will in the recliner. I'd take a two hour stretch while DH slept on the couch and after the next feeding, DH would take him for the next two hour stretch. Rinse and repeat. During the two hours we were sleeping with him, we slept lighter, but it was nice to be able to have two hours on the couch to be dead to the world.
We used the Boppy while we were in the recliner with him - he slept on our chests, and we made sure that he couldn't roll.
And I know you said you didn't want to buy any more baby gear, but try the Rock & Play thing. If she doesn't like it, you might be able to return it or sell it on Craigslist or something.
You'll get through this. I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but eventually it gets easier.
listen, he's well-meaning but he approached this the wrong way. joanna is teeny tiny and you're still a hormonal nutball (with some anxiety history). being anxious is normal. i used to STARE at L on the monitor until i could be CERTAIN i had seen her chest go up and down. i had several tearful breakdowns, thought i'd ruined my life, and couldn't stop freaking out if she slept with her head tilted too far to one site or the other.
i got over it and, based on everything i read and everything i talked about with my pedi, i was WELL within the range of normal postpartum reaction. i'm telling you, by week 5 i felt like a near-normal person again.
as for naps, you go with what works for joanna and you right now. she's too little to be spoiled into bad sleep habits if you "let" her nap on the go, in her bouncer, on your lap, etc. if crib naps work for you, fine. not that you've met her, but my kickass pedi told me she didn't care where the hell my kid napped, so long as she was napping, until she was 12 or so weeks.
you can handle this. we all know that you can. you can do it.
ETA: when L was this little and not strong enough to hold a pacifier in her mouth, i'd put her down to sleep and let her suck on one of my fingers until she was pretty well asleep and then leave. in the middle of the night standing there next to the crib with a finger in her mouth was annoying and exhausting, but, for me, it bridged the gap between "let her cry!" and "co-sleep!" since i was also totally uncomfortable with cosleeping.
SIDS was a big worry of mine. My son is 13 months old and I still go scorched earth on his bedding at night - no lovies, no blanket, no pillows - which is totally unnecessary - I'm just a nutjob.
Most importantly, you need to get some sleep. So does your DH. It might not work for you, but I got the Angel Care monitor that tells you the baby is breathing. I don't really care if it "works" or if it's hype - it helped me sleep and it might help you too.
The responsibility of caring for a new little person is so overwhelming, it's totally normal to have anxiety. You're a really caring person from what I've seen you post on the boards and sometimes all caring can tell your brain - hey - we have to be really careful here because this is a little baby who is totally dependent on me and that translates to anxiety. Just dismiss any thought that starts with "what if" and realize that the fear will pass, especially as your little person starts being able to do more for herself. In the meantime, just don't forget to take care of you.
truth.
Do you have a Rock N Play? My oldest was born before they came out. He screamed every time we tried to put him in the bassinet/crib and I slept for like 3 minutes for the first three weeks of his life. We eventually moved the swing into our room and he slept in that for a bit, and then we co-slept because I was losing it.
We had a RNP for my second son, and will use it for this baby when he's born, and it was AMAZING. It's super portable, keeps them on a slight incline, which helped when we were dealing with reflux, and is kind of like a baby hammock, so they feel snuggled and cozy. It has vented sides, so there is air flow too. It folds up fairly flat, so we were able to take it on vacation with us (he was in it until he was about 3 months old) and I could move it around the house/outside etc. I swaddled him while he was in it.
IMO what you're feeling is normal. Babies are scary. They're all different and nobody can tell you exactly what will work, you just have to figure it out on your own. Which kind of sucks, but in the long run makes you feel like Superwoman. I hope it gets better for you soon!!