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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I think I need some tough love. Or a reality check.
Because if I don't make them happy, they talk and drag my name through the mud. And come to me with things like "well, nobody likes you and what you are doing. Everyone else just says it behind your back. Aren't you glad I'm saying it to your face?"
And that hurts my feelings. And then I feel like the little girl who could never do anything right.
I will be down to one job in December.
Are you currently in therapy?
Why are you working for these people? Seriously.
I'm starting to think you really like being ridiculed, like it feeds into your already poor sense of self-esteem if you can get other people to say bad things about you.
If people are treating you like this you have to defend yourself and then move on to a new place where people are not jerkfaces.
First answer when you don't know how to say no is "Let me check my calendar and get back with you by email; I'm already pretty booked". Then later, when you don't have to look them in the eye/say it over the phone, you can then email them a nice 'no', with the "Bill/Sally, I'm sorry, I'm already solidly booked up for that time frame; good luck though!Love, MartyrNoMore". This is for the novice NoSayer, who has no experience in saying no to people.
Notice there is no explanation for what it is you are 'booked' for. Could be a long hot bath, or dinner with your spouse. Do NOT explain, ever, why you are saying no.
For the intermediate No Sayer, when someone asks you to your face if you can help with something, say "I'm so sorry, it's just not possible; good luck though" and gesture helplessly at the piles on your desk. Look sorry; but shut.up. once you've said this. If they press with why can't you help, say "I'd love to if it were possible but it's simply not. Good luck though!" Say it as often as possible. Revert to the beginner script if they keep pushing, with the 'well, let me check and I'll get back to you by email" then do the email line.
It helps to keep thinking of how little an hour you actually earn when you give your time away like you have been. "I can't work for half of minimum wage; it's not fair to me or my family" is a good mantra; better than "OMG HOW CAN I KEEP GIVING 200 PERCENT WAAAHHHH".
For the expert NoSayer, say briskly but with a regretful smile, "I'm so sorry; I can't. You'll manage though!" and walk off.
It helps to practice a bit. First time you do it you'll feel panicky. After a surprisingly short time, you'll be a pro. Now stop whining how hard you work and how nobody cares (both are true, I am sure) and implement this.
HA!
Hubes, get outta that fukcin place dude. Again, you are not a victim here. You're allowing this to happen.
I was. And really, he validated all of my feelings, all we talked about was how my mom didn't value me and I was too busy. The first 30 minutes of each session were me repeating myself and it was stressing me out because I had to take half a day off work and added to the daycare bill.
SERIOUSLY? They act that way? Is this the job you'll be keeping when you're down one job in December?
WHY are you working there?
Forget-Me-Nots: Alaska State Flower
Seriously, what good things do you think you deserve in this world? I'm really lookign for an answer here.
Eff those people. Seriously. And please realize that it doesn't matter how much or little you do. They're going to talk $hit because they don't know what else to do, and they're a-holes. Do they evaluate you/have any say in your pay/advancement in your career? Or are they just co-workers? If they are the former, start looking for a new job where your superiors don't talk crap about their employees and feed the gossip mill. If they are the latter, see my first sentence. Do you really care what a-holes think of you?
There is NOTHING you can do to make them happy. Nothing. So stop killing yourself trying. Your response when someone takes it upon themselves to let you in on all the trash talking is "oh, well, I'm doing the best that I can, and if bossman/lady has a problem with my performance, I'm sure they'll let me know." If you're going to be at this job for a while, I think a heads up to HR, and your boss wouldn't be a bad idea. If they're creating a toxic environment for you, they're doing it to others.
That is pretty much an exact quote. It is not the job I'll be keeping in December. I love what I do. I hate the asssholes. If I could cut out the people and keep the rest of it, I'd love it. And I did for a long, long time. And there are some great people there too.
I would like to think that I deserve to be treated with respect, and to be happy.
I think I need to earn everything that comes my way. I haven't figured out how to earn happiness though.
Because if I don't make them happy, they talk and drag my name through the mud. And come to me with things like "well, nobody likes you and what you are doing. Everyone else just says it behind your back. Aren't you glad I'm saying it to your face?"
How many different people have actually said this to you, and how many times?
And what have you done about it each time it has happened?
Three families, and they say it every time something happens that they don't agree with. Which is everything I do, pretty much.
I stand up for myself. While simultaneously freaking out inside and wondering what I am doing wrong.
The fact that you know that you're going above and beyond means that you can stop it/cut back. So, do just that.
Stress can make you so incredibly sick. The immune system mostly lives in the stomach. I've read that feelings of anger, jealousy, etc. make the stomach acid levels increase, and your digestion is affected, and there goes the domino effect.
So, you MUST take time for you. For quiet time. To survive, thrive, and be happy. Allow yourself that. Do not feel guilty. Some people live by a rule that if they're not working at all times, they're lazy, and idle hands are the devil's work, and all of that. Not true. There's a happy medium.
You have a good personality and it will shine with more relaxation/time for you. Maybe get a self-help book (I like reading Amazon's reviews, they're not all b.s.).
I'm hearing that you do all of this bc you want them to like you but you should ask yourself why. Not everyone is going to like you huber. It sucks that your parents didn't do a good enough job of teaching you your own self worth but they didn't. You have a husband and a son who love you. I like you, and hello, that's huge!
Three families out of how many that you work with?
I used to be like this. Volunteer hours off the chart, full time job, 2 small children, divorced. I was running myself ragged. So I got off all the BODs, volunteer treasurer positions, church Vestry, Girl Scout leader, etc.etc.
Your health issues are not an excuse. They're a valid reason to scale back and make 'huber time' a regular thing.
Sue, you are right. I work with over 500 kids, and it is ridiculous to worry about 12 kids in three families, even if they are the ones who are writing letters to my bosses and to my bosses' bosses. Working with the public probably isn't the best place for me.
Que, you are right too. I want people to like me. Wanting people to like me is my number one stress in life. I'm convinced that nobody likes me anyway, except my three or four best friends, and I feel like half of them are on the edge.
I promise you are likeable.
But ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if these people insist on refusing to see your awesomeness? So what, they don't like you. Obviously your bosses know they suck, as you still have a job there.
Of course I'm right. You have NO LESS than a 98 percent approval rating.
Your anxiety/martyring of yourself over these three families is attention whoring, and it's not an attractive quality in you. Stop sucking yourself away from your own family and those who love you because of a few whiners. Unless you want to be away from them? Sometimes people's priorities are pretty clear, if you look at their actions. Do your actions express your real priorities?
I fixed that for you.
I've had three or four different blood work-ups, I think liver was in there somewhere.
I've done gallbladder and stomach.
Honestly, stress is the next thing.
I wonder this a lot. Maybe I'm just focusing on the bad things because it feeds into what I think about myself and maybe I'm just happier being miserable.
No, you are not happier being miserable because you are.not.happy. You are used to being miserable. There is a difference.
Can you take a vacation?
All the Napa jokes aside, I firmly believe that time off can be really helpful.
What do you do?
Welp, I just stood up for myself.
Now what? Prepare for the backlash? Or don't give it another thought?
Go about your business.
I don't have any advice in addition to what's already been said. But I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself.
((((((huber))))))