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Husband Betrayal - Advice Needed
Hi everyone! I'm new here and really need some advice. I'll try to condense this as much as possible, but I apologize in advance for the length...
To start, my husband and I have been married 2.5 years, no kids and have what I considered to be a generally good relationship. He is my best friend.
He had recently used my computer and I noticed that he was still
logged into his email account. Out of curiosity, I was poking around
his email to see the job applications that he's sent out lately because I wanted to compare them to my own. I know it was
wrong of me to snoop through his email, but I didn't have ill intentions
and I didn't expect to find anything bad.
My husband likes to keep his email super tidy and pretty much deletes
all messages. He only had six total messages in his inbox. However, when
I went into his sent mail, I found some emails that made me sick to my
stomach. They were to a woman that I've never heard of before. Unfortunately, since he deletes most of his emails
there were no conversation strings, but there were several messages
that he had sent to her. They said things like "Sorry for that text last
night, I was super drunk", "Are you working late tonight?" and then
several messages saying things like "Do you never want to talk to me again, I need
to know. 
" These messages took place between February and May of 2012. One of the messages indicated that they had met on Craigslist through an ad looking for people to join a band.
So, because of these messages, I went into stalker mode. They aren't
friends on Facebook, but I found her profile and she lives in our city and has two young kids.
Then, I went through my husband's phone (again, bad...I know) and found
her name in his contacts with her phone number and address. He always deletes text messages, so there were none from her. I then went
through his calendar during those months and found an interesting
appointment. It was an 8:00pm appointment and only listed the girl's initials.
Being that I do save everything, I found messages between DH and I on that same day. I had a message from him around 6:30pm saying that he was
going out with his male friend from work for drinks and he probably
wouldn't be home until midnight.
I had found out all of this after DH had fallen asleep on the couch, so I confronted him about it the next day after work. He admitted to flirting with this woman and going over to her house twice and said that nothing happened and they just played video games. He claims that he is the one that ended things with her and that it was a stupid mistake. He said that he was worried about our relationship because he felt that I was pulling away and that he was depressed. We had both kind of just gotten into daily routines and he said that he didn't feel loved anymore. (He had previously expressed this feeling to me.) He said that this other woman made him feel appreciated.
So, obviously I'm devastated about the whole thing. He elected to go stay at his brother's house the night that I found out. He sent me apologetic texts the entire next day. In the following days he left me beautiful flowers and a handwritten note telling me how much he loved me and that he would die without me. He also put several post-its on the bathroom mirror telling me similar things. He's been extra nice doing things for me, whether it be chores, running errands or offering to give me money to pay for things. I truly believe that he's sorry, but that doesn't change what he did.
It's been three weeks since I found out and I have not been able to say "I love you" to him, hug, kiss or touch him at all since. We've gotten to the point that I'm able to sit in a room with him and have a decent conversation. But, I'm very torn on what to do at this point. My heart wants to give him a hug and say everything will be ok, but my head tells me not to forgive him that easily because he won't think it's a big deal.
I had this whole plan in my head our our future and when we would have kids. We even bought our first house a few months ago. Now I don't know what's real. I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my friends about this and I know he hasn't told any of his. I don't want to leave him, but it's hard for me to trust him completely or see him the same way as I did before. So, I'd like to get some advice from some other married women. What would you do?
Re: Husband Betrayal - Advice Needed
First, pray to God for guidance. You can never go wrong with prayer. Second, you may wish to seek advice from a professional marriage counselor (perhaps even an appointment by yourself first). Third, I highly recommend reading the book "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desparately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Read it with an open mind and a willingness to try and it will shed a whole new light on your marriage.
Remember, even though he did make a big mistake, there was an underlying reason for it. You said it yourself..."We had both kind of just gotten into daily routines and he said that he didn't feel loved anymore. (He had previously expressed this feeling to me.) He said that this other woman made him feel appreciated." I understand how you would feel unsure to trust him but don't make the mistake of giving into our modern day society where marriages are disposable. You two took a vow...for better or for worse. In marriage each spouse should be giving 100% even if the other is not. Work together to make it better. Learn from this experience and take charge to make your relationship as husband and wife stronger than ever, from this day forward. I wish you and your husband the best and a lifetime ahead of true love together!
Wow really? You're blaming her for this? OP, he is at least emotionally cheating if not physically. Don't let him skate by on this "routine" BS. That's called life. A good husband wouldn't seek someone else if he was unhappy in a relationship. He would seek counseling and try to work it out. The fact that he is so defensive and blaming you makeshift think more happened than he is letting on. Counseling is a must if you two are going to try to work on your relationship. But he needs to be 100 percent honest, and you need to decide if you feel you can ever trust him again. Without trust, there really can't be a marriage.
First off this isn't your fault. A real and true husband gets married life and doesn't go looking for appreciation from another woman. I call BS at playing video games the whole 2 times he was at her house, they aren't in middle school.
Your life can't and won't 100% be focused on him. He thinks this was bad? Try bringing a baby in a house. They demanded 150% of your time, energy & focus. Your H sounds self centered. He has no excuse for this behavior. He is trying to split the blame here but the point is he 100% to blame. He has control of his actions.
You now have a choice, stay with him and have a hard time trusting him or leave and not have to deal with this. I know that I would be out the door.
Well, if it was me, I would leave. I know myself and I know that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wonderig if he was going to cheat again. Everytime you fight, everytime you can't have sex or give him attention, everytime he goes on a business trip, heck everytime he leaves the house for any reason; you will be left wondering " is he cheating again ?" I know I wouldn't want to live that way. Sure some couples can re-establish trust once it is gone, but I think it is exceedingly rare and I personally have never seen a marriage become stronger after an affair.
Here's the thing. This isn't a mistake. This is a reflection of a severe character flaw. Men with character don't ACTIVELY and PURPOSELY seek out other woman when they are depressed or not getting attention. A man with character will work on his marriage to fix it. A man with character would seek treatment for his depression. Heck, a man with character would even divorce his wife if he was that unhappy instead of betraying her like that. Even now with him saying he wouldn't live if you left him is a clear manipulation and a sign of his selfishness. Sure, you can try counseling, but I doubt it would work. Counseling can help with communication issues or getting someone to think outside of themselves, but counseling doesn't fix severe character flaws because character flaws go down to one's core being.
I also have to say that if he met her a few times, I highly doubt they only played video games. Unfortunately, you also don't know if this woman is the only one he ended up meeting. That is why you need to call your Dr TODAY, and get tested. I am not saying this to upset you even more, but I am being realistic. I do not think your marriage to him has been monogamous and that is why you need to look out for your own health and best interest and get tested for STDs. Please do not hesitate to call you Dr. Do it today.
Oh and I also doubt he was the one that ended things. She probably stopped talking to him when she found out he was married.
I'm pretty horrified that nkovacs would admonish you not to treat your marriage as disposable when your husband is the one who stepped outside of it to satisfy his own desires. I would encourage you to avoid the book she recommended, as it makes sweeping, incorrect generalizations based on retrograde, incorrect ideas about gender.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone I couldn't trust, but you're the only one who can make the decision in this case. If you think you want to try and work things out, marriage counseling is a must. This is not something you can fix just by reading a book, and from what you've posted here, it sounds like the two of you could learn to communicate with and respond to each other more effectively. I hope everything turns out for the best for you, whatever that may be.
Exactly. Do you really believe she is the only one he meet up with? Please go get tested for STDs, then if you still want to stay married seek professional help. Through counseling you'll figure out if this is a deal breaker for you, it might be and that is ok.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
A grown man, feeling unappreciated, went over to a woman's house on the sly, after bedtime, to play video games. Twice.
Now seriously - step back, look at that sentence pretending for a minute that we aren't talking about your situation, and tell me what you think. Did you laugh at how stupid it sounds? Snort at how inplausible it is? Do you really believe it?
It must hurt like a mothereffer to face reality. But the reality is that he most likely had sex with this woman at least twice. You found out by snooping, and even when confronted with it he's still not telling you the truth.....who knows what else he's hiding. Of course he's sending you flowers and being sweet now - he knows he effed up and he's trying cover his butt.
My marriage couldn't survive without trust. I think that being in a relationship without trust - one where you need to constantly check up on them, snoop, and worry all the time if they're cheating again - would be hellish. And I think that you know that that's the kind of marriage you're looking at if you stay with him.
I think that some mistakes are just too big to deal with. Cheating is one of them. I could never forgive and forget. Know that moving forward, that to a certain extent that is exactly what you will have to do if you want to stick with this marriage. Is it worth it? You've been married 2.5 years and have no kids yet........life will likely get much harder and more complicated as the years go on, and he's already proven that he'll flake out when things get too boring for him. Is that really what you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with and worrying about?
And nkovacs, you're a dumbassss.
omg, this sounds exactly like the guy I was dating before I met my H. He used to play video games all the time with a 'crew' of guys....then all of a sudden, this one girl started hanging out with their group and my ex kept insisting that he was just friends with her and all this nonsense. According to him, she was a gamer just like the rest of his gamer buddies. Stupid idiot did the same thing - logged into his email from my computer, forgot to log out, and I found emails from her with directions to her house and how she couldn't wait to see him, as well as a receipt for EZ Pass, which he purchased so he could drive back and forth to her house. (she lived in Jersey and he lived 4 blocks away from me in NY) I had already long suspected something was going on, which he kept denying over and over again, but then he got caught red handed....like an idiot, I took him back too, but it did not last for too long because I never trusted him after that and cheating was (and still is) a HUGE dealbreaker for me. Thank god I had enough sense to not marry him - aside from the cheating, he turned out to be a pathetic loser anyway.
OP, do yourself a favor and dump this loser....he's totally lying to you and you are never going to be able to trust him. And that is the truth. Have some respect for yourself - do you honestly think this behavior is acceptable? No amount of flowers could make up for this. To the person who advised trying to work it out....ummmm....no. Cheating is bullsh!t - why on earth would you advise sticking with a cheating lying dirtbag? Horrible horrible advice.
i agree.
If you have doubts, I would have him call her on speaker phone, tell him to call her, put the phone in his hand, that will not give him chance to contact her asking her to lie/cover for him. If nothing happened and she confirms it, go to marriage counseling. If he refuses to call her or she confirms they were intimate, walk out the door.
Ok here is my take on it. A little over a year ago my mother had an emotional affair that turned physical once. And I know all of this bc I was the one who caught her and called her out on it. My parents were able to work it out, but it took individual counseling and I'm not sure that all the trust is back yet. Now what your husband did to you and your marriage is super hard to swallow and you will never "get over it". You can move on, you can chose to work on your marriage or you can leave. Neither option is easy.
He knew exactly what he was doing and the fact that he keeps his email inbox super tidy and deletes all his text messages is a huge red flag. I would say that the only way for you to trust him again is to say you expect complete honesty from him about everything all the time. And I would not be above checking up on him.
So there is my two cents.
Thank you to all who have responded so far. This has not been easy for me, so it's helpful to see what other women think.
As of right now, I really do want to work this out. I may be naive, but I do believe that all they did was play video games. I think this was strictly emotional, not physical. Either way is still hard.
I made up a list of questions that I'm planning on asking him tomorrow and I am going to suggest that we go to counseling. We'll see what happens from there.
I know a lot of you will probably judge me for giving him a chance, but it's so much harder to figure out what to do when you're actually in this situation. I've spent the last 8 years of my life with this man. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust him the same way again, but I guess I'm going to find that out.
Thanks again ladies!
If this is not a deal breaker for you then who am I to judge. However this is not something you can do alone. You need to figure out how to forgive him and rebuild trust and if he is not willing to do everything you ask including counseling then your relationship is over.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
To add to this, just because you guys have been together for 8 years does not mean you are obligated in any way to stay with him. Remember - HE is the one who messed up here. This is not your fault. It is his and his alone. I personally do not think he is truly sorry for what he did, only sorry that he got caught. Do not let him turn this around on you like you had anything to do with his wrongdoing. GL with whatever you do.
I would look into marriage counseling ASAP! This has already started to eat away at you and can very well ruin your marriage if it get to out of hand. I am like you once I start getting the wheels turning in my head I can think of every possible situation from least to worst.
Talking to a professional one on one and together will really help you guys get the skills to get through this. And help you guys communicate through this he needs to know how much he has hurt you. And he needs to be open and honest about why he did this so you can work on those areas of your relationship so this never happens again. One good thing is that he seems to be very upset and willing to fix this. He seems to be aware that what he did was wrong. As long as he doesn't have a history of this I would say counseling is the one thing that is going to help you find forgiveness in order to move forward. These situations suck in the moment but with help to get it under control it could be something you look back on as something that made your marriage stronger.
Hang in there girl I am praying for you and your marriage...
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I don't judge you for giving your marriage a chance at all. Mistakes happen and will happen when we say those vows we know it's not going to be easy. All the long marriages and good marriages I have seen around me did not come from laying down or just walking away from problems. It is easier to just leave and give up. It is harder to stay and actually fight for your marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse no matter on his part or your part. Now if this becomes a history with him of cheating then you need to examine things, but if this really is a one time mistake you guys can work through this and get through it. It is not going to be easy and you are both going to have to want it. But it can be done I have seen it happen. Please don't give up on your marriage not giving up does not make you weak or anything like that. People will try to make you feel that way but standing up and fighting for your marriage will make you stronger. And is honorable in my opinion. You both have major integrity to be able to sit there and talk through your issues.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
This is YOUR choice! Only you know how you feel. It is easy to want to believe what our true love tells us, we want to expect that he loves us and would never do anything to mess that up.. Well, he did. I think its great that you are willing to try and work your marriage out instead of before getting to the bottom of it and running away. I mean, ya it sounds silly saying that he was just playing video games, BUT you never know I seriously do fear something like this ever occuring. IF he is willing and able to do whatever it takes then good for you guys! He is going to need to have all of his stuff open and available to you, which I don't see why it shouldn't be already in the first place after being married. I think things should be shared and if he is hiding his emails/texts, I honestly think that is a big red flag. I leave my phone,my facebook open, whatever. I know I do nothing to hide. THis should be always between a husband and wife, in my opinion... People may call me crazy for that, but marriage is sharing, and things really should not be hidden.
Girl, I truly hope that this all works out for you and hopefully nothing did really happen sexually. Emotional affairs are already difficult to deal with and I know me, just wondering if he had touched another woman the way he touches me would kill me!!! Best of luck!!!! If ya need anything we all are here!!!!
Thanks for the support, ladies.
Just to clarify, he never tried to turn the blame on me for this. He fully owned up to it being his own stupid mistake. He just gave the feelings of disconnect as his reason for doing so.
Mistakes happen, sure, but this is not like some small mistake where he forgot to pay a bill or tell his wife he lost his job or didn't clean up after himself - this is cheating. Whether it was just emotional or lead to being physical remains to be seen, but can you honestly say you would stay with your H if you found out he cheated? That would be a HUGE dealbreaker in my eyes. To each their own, but honestly, I don't understand how anyone could stay after something like this.
Ok, he didn't directly turn it around on you, but he gave you a really lame excuse....think about that - if this ever were to happen again where there was some feeling of disconnect, is he going to use this as an opportunity to go off with someone else again? I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other because only you know your relationship, but think long and hard about that excuse he gave you....I think he's just sorry that he got caught.....
Exactly, in addtion, the text he sent her saying " Do you never want to talk to me again ?" gives me the impression that she was the one who broke things off, probably because she found out he was married.
Whatever you decide, please please please make an appt with your Dr and get checked for STDS. When it comes to your health ( especially life and death issues), you can't just hope for the best. You absolutely have to check it out. Even if all you get is peace of mind, it is well worth it.
I'm a lurker, but there are some big red flags in your post. First, the fact that he's always deleting everything is suspicious to me; what's he hiding? Other than the fact that he met a woman, has been communicating with her in secret & has met her on several occasions while lying to you about it (playing video games...really?).
And saying it was because you were pulling away & he was depressed? That's BS. There are going to be plenty of times in your marriage when you two aren't completely connected and if he's going to cope with that by going outside his and finding someone else, he has problems. Marriage is not about the big demonstrations of Love (i.e., the flowers, texts, notes, etc he's sending you now); it's the small, every day things that are important (like remaining faithful & working on any issues). And if that every-dayness makes him feel depressed & distant from you, he's apt to cheat again.
He's also probably told you the bare minimum of what really happened based on the information that you already knew. I'd be tempted to bust into his computer and see what he was really up to.
Go to counseling and get tested for STDs. Don't be embarrassed. If this can be fixed you do need to do it together. If not, at least a therapist will help you to cope with the disappointment, heal and move on to a better relationship. GL.
There are a lot of factors involved and of course a million different situations in cheating. But if my husband had never done it before he didn't have a history, and he was truly remorseful and wanted to fight for our marriage. As well as work through it in counseling then yes I would give my husband a second chance. I am a firm believer in forgiveness and I would hope if I screwed up cheating or otherwise my husband would extend the same to me. We talked about all of this before we got married divorce is an absolute last option for us. I will do whatever I have to and so would my husband to save our marriage before running out.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
A lot of different factors and reasons for cheating? You cannot possibly be serious with that post.....there is absolutely no reason or excuse for cheating. None whatsoever. That is just a cop out and the absolute worst one at that. Someone just said that there are times where you are not always going to be connected to your spouse - and that is true. But to justify going outside of your marriage and cheat with someone else for that reason or any reason is completely inexcusible.
OP, I am going to tell you something that I tell my sisters, my single friends and woman on this board all the time. When it comes to picking someone to build a life with, have children with, have a future with, you absolutely have to choose someone with character. You have no idea what life has in store for you. You might lose jobs ( like me), homes, parents, or like my husband and me, lose a child. You might face injuries, chronic disease ( like my husband ), infertility, or have a child with severe developmental delays ( like my friend).
My first pregnancy was extremely difficult. I was bleeding from 5 weeks to 20 weeks. At my 20 week ultrasound we found out our DD had three heart defects. We were even told there was a 1/3 chance she would have down syndrome. I had an amnioscentesis to rule it out but then I found out I had gestational diabetes. When I was 32 weeks, I went into the hospital for a non stress test. There here heart rate went down a lot and I was rushed in to have an emergency C-Section. Once she was born we found out she had even more birth defects. After her open heart surgery, she got an infection and passed away. She was 4 months old. After she died, the grief set in. There were times I thought I was losing my mind, but throughout all of it, my husband was my rock and my strength. He is a blessing to my life and I thank God that I had to good sense to marry him. He was there for me at one of the darkest times of our lives. He is kind, loving, patient, considerate, slow to anger, supportive, encouraging, hardworking but mostly loyal and trustworthy. He is truly man of noble character.
THink about this, if your husband can't handle things when life is relatively easy, how will you be able to depend on him when life gets really difficult ? Will he be there for you if you get cancer of MS ? What if you are like my friend who has a child that is 11 and still can't speak or use a toilet ? Will he stick around for that ? I understand you have a lot ot think about, but really really think about it.