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Re: Husband Betrayal - Advice Needed
Amen, I absolutely agree with you lisa2008booAmen, I absolutely agree with you lisa2008boo
So how exactly will he earn your trust again? Will you just sweep this under the rug until the next time you find out he's been lying?
stw - I had no idea about your backstory, I am so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking.
Thank you for the kind words. We did have two more healthy children and are very grateful.
It is just... sometimes I feel like people have no idea what I am talking about when I point out how important having a spouse with character is. They think that counseling is this magic cure all that will fix everything. Sure sometimes counseling workds, but sometimes it doesn't.
I am not anti marriage, not in the least, but I have seen friends and family go through this very same thing, and all that happens is that they waste years of their life away. Yes, I understand being in shock at first and yes I understand the urge to fix the relationship and hope that everything just magically goes back to the way it was before; however, those character flaws will once again rear their ugly heads.
Yes, it seems like some don't really understand what a real loving partnership is with both people who have autonomy and are there to support each other. Life is hard enough without your partner making it more difficult.
Me saying there are different factors involved in cheating and different situations doesn't translate to excuses. I was saying that different marriages and different couples experience different levels of this. And different marriages approach the situation differently depending on their particular situation.
I never said there was an excuse just different people in different situations that need to be approached with a solution depending on their individual situation. That is what I was saying...
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
TTC since September 2012
Wow, stw_77, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad you have a great husband to be there for you.
Thanks for this. You gave me more things to think about and consider.
QFT
He really is wonderful and he is a great father too. I am proud to say that I am one of those lucky wives who can tell her daughter(s) that they should marry a man like their father. Not everyone can say that. I thank God everyday that he brought my husband into my life.
I hate to pester you about this, but are you going to talk to your Dr about having some tests run? Again, even if all you get is peace of mind, then it is well worth it.
I'm sorry for all the things you have been through and I'm glad that you do have a wonderful husband that was there for you through it all.
Just think for a second all the nice things you say about your husband and how he was there for you at a time you needed him the most. I don't wish anything bad on anyone, but hypothetically speaking, just what if this wonderful husband of yours made a mistake that was a deal breaker for you. How can you just forget about how good of a husband he has been and leave? I would hate to be in a marriage that is not full of forgiveness.There is not a husband or wife alive that is above a mistake.
TTC since September 2012
You are right, no one is above making a mistake. But there is a big difference between a mistake and a character flaw. Adultery is a character flaw.
My husband has proven time and time again that he has good character, yes he makes mistakes like the times he would leave dirty mugs out for me to clean, or when he takes the lord's name in vain. But cheating on me would be unfathomable to him. His parents cheated on each other so he knows how adultery effects families. I wouldn't have married him if I ever doubted his loyalty or character.
However to answer your question, yes I would leave him if he cheated on me. Forgiveness doesn't mean I would have to be his wife anymore. I would also leave him if he abused me and I would leave him if he got an addiction. I highly ever doubt that would happen based on his history.
THIS!
I don't get why people keep saying you can't move on by sweeping it under the rug. And get all the information from him about what happened.
What do you think counseling is for?
Both sides will have the opportunity to be honest and to work through and talk about these issues. No sweeping under the rug going on. And the husband by agreeing to counseling would be agreeing to talk through this with open honesty. Counseling is the first stop to get through this if that doesn't work then go from there. But it is a good starting point in a situation that I am sure seems very overwhelming.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
OP, I have been in your shoes. I get why you would want to try to make it work. I have seen marriages recover from infidelity. Unfortunately my first marriage did not . . . we went to counseling but he still ended up cheating (again) and decided to leave. I was very lucky to have a very supportive family, church, and friends. I thought I was damaged goods and my life was over. But I managed to come through it stronger and now I have the best husband in the world - he says it's because my first husband set the bar so low, but I say it's because I was very picky this time around.
My advice to you, from someone who's been there, is to 1) get counseling and 2) if you don't already have separate bank accounts, now is the time to get them.
Let's be real here for a second, shall we. Do you think her H is honestly going to tell her ALL of the details? Or just enough based on the little bit of information she managed to find. Think about that for a second....he was able to deceive her up until he got busted, I highly doubt he is going to be 100% honest about what really happened. And given OP's description of how meticulous he is to begin with as far as his email and phone are concerned, I wouldn't put it past him to do it again. My ex-boyfriend did this exact same thing when I cold busted him doing this same exact shizz....just played video games my a$$. At least I had enough sense to not marry him.
I am usually the last person who would tell someone to get divorced off the bat and would recommend counseling, but I do not believe that counseling would help in situations where cheating was involved. Same applies for abuse. Those 2 very big things are grounds for leaving because those are the ultimate betrayal of trust.
I think that she (and I, were I in her shoes) would never look at him the same way again, and think that despite having done nice things, who she thought he was had been a lie. Cheating isn't a mistake like a typo is a mistake. It's an indication of such a huge character flaw that I couldn't even respect the person any more.
I mean, think about it. What kind of thinking would lead a person to cheat? I get the idea of not having your needs met, but in order to think that cheating is a reasonable enough course of action for you to do it, you have to believe that:
1. your needs are the only needs that matter
2. you are entitled to have your needs met, while your spouse is not similarly entitled to have his/her own needs met
3. you have the right to change the terms of the relationship (exclusivity) without your spouse's agreement or knowledge
Basically, in order for a person to make the decision to cheat, he/she has to see him/herself as the protagonist in his/her own story, with everyone else, including the spouse, as nothing but supporting roles, not full humans with their own perspectives. And this kind of stunted teenage thinking alone is the best case scenario. Saying that this kind of choice is just your garden-variety mistake is like saying that if you killed someone, that would be a whoopsie that should be forgiven because you were nice to the waiter every time you ate at a restaurant.
I think the better question is - what do YOU think counseling is for?
And thinking that walking away/divorce is the "easy" option is woefully and pitifully naive.
Yes yes yes.
Although I'm sure that an unfaithful spouse is extremely hurtful, when you truly forgive, God will help set your heart free of hurtfulness and resentment towards your spouse. How can I expect God to forgive me of my sins when I can't even try to forgive my spouse.
Another instance where prayer changes things.
TTC since September 2012
Oh cut me a frigging break with this nonsense....you obviously have your head in the clouds to think that this is remotely acceptable or forgivable. I seriously think this is the biggest load of bs advice I've ever heard here....pffft
That might be the case for you, but it isn't the case for everyone.
It has truly never occurred to you that other people's gods might be advising them to do something different, has it?
Wow.
I think I just saw a unicorn run by....
I don't know what you're talking about.
I only know about one God and that is the God I serve. I don't put down other's religions or beliefs, so if one tells me that their God told them to do something different, then so be it.
TTC since September 2012