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Feeling like a maid. (Long Post)
I am having an issue that is really stressing me out and I just want a third party perspective.
I am currently a stay-at-home mother of three children ages 6, 2, and 1 years old. I mentioned to my husband once upon a time that being a stay-at-home parent is a full time job. You NEVER get a break. He claimed that his engineering design job is harder than being a stay-at-home parent. I shrugged it off and said, "Well I guess we won't ever know each other's jobs unless we actually did each other's jobs."
Just today, he told me that I should dedicate 40-hours per week cleaning and doing housework with doing no leisure activities in between. He said, "You said that being a stay-at-home parent is a full time job, so I think you should do that."
He thinks that I sit around ALL DAY and do NOTHING. When in reality I am chasing three kids, trying to teach them new things, cooking, cleaning, laundry to no end, grocery shopping, and anything else you can really think of. And then when he comes home, dinner is ready and he will wait until I get his plate full of food and serve it to him.
I don't know if I'm just being overly dramatic or what, but I really feel like forcing me to dedicate 40 hours per week to JUST cleaning and housework because I'm a "stay-at-home-mom" and then having to document it for when he comes home so he can "see" what I've done, it just seems like he married me to be his maid and not his wife. 
Re: Feeling like a maid. (Long Post)
Your H is a controlling assho!e.
Tell him to shove it and go about your day as usual.
Ew, dude.
ETA: You have three kids with this guy? If my H spoke to me that way, his sh*t would be on the lawn.
I don't understand what you're saying here. It doesn't make sense.
But your H is a f*cking douchebag. He needs help and you need to stick up for yourself. Either that, or leave him alone with all 3 kids for a weekend so he can see how much work it takes to take care of them.
Sorry, I'm just getting so upset because he's telling me that when he lived alone and worked a 40-hour per week job that his house was always clean. I told him that I'm trying to clean for FIVE people now plus having to take care of three people in the process and he said, "That's not an excuse."
What I meant was that he says that what I have to do isn't something spectacular or out of the ordinary and that any woman already contributes 40+ hours per week of just cleaning and housework, while taking care of 3 kids.
PS. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he is all of the names above. That's the only thing I've sighed relief on.
Should you do more of the housework since you are already at home and it is a bit easier for you ? Sure, but 40 hours is ridiculous. Besides, I highly doubt that he spends 100 % of his time at his job being totally focused on his duties. He never takes breaks, emails a friend, talks to a coworker, goofs off on the internet ? Please, he is full of crap.
Tell him he is being a jerk and you are having none of it.
He just told me last night that he lies on his time sheet because he'd be in trouble is his boss knew he goofed off most of the day. And I brought that up to him and he said that it doesn't matter. It's really frustrating.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback! I was starting to believe that I was worthless because I wasn't meeting his expectations of 40 hours per week for cleaning.
Does he make you feel worthless a lot ?
I mean who is going to watch and take care of the children if you are busy cleaning ? Does he want to take them to his job or pay for child care.
Plus, he lies on this time sheet ? What kind of man is this ? Sure not one of noble character.
I honestly don't know why it's okay for him to do these things and not me. And 99% of the time, I'm not even goofing off. I'm trying to be a mother to my children. Except for right now, of course, but my kids are with the grandparents right now.
And yes, he makes me feel worthless, but not directly saying it. And when I tell him how I feel, he just saying I'm over-thinking the situation. But I've NEVER felt like this in my entire life! He keeps telling me he wants to see the confident girl he fell in love with, but it seems almost impossible with how he makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
I just don't know what to do.
Well show him that confidence and tell him you absolutely will not be cleaning 40 hours a week.
But again, think seriously about this man. He lies on his timesheet, undermines you as a mother, says you need to be cleaning for 40 hours a week with no time to yourself ? I don't know, this does not bode well for your future.
I actually worked two full time jobs and he told me to quit them because we couldn't afford daycare and he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to work, but now I want to wait until all of my kids are in elementary school.
I think about our future all of the time because seriously, I feel like I would be a better person without someone always documenting everything I do. I used to be a very independent person. He makes me feel like I HAVE to rely on him for everything, but in the next breath, he's telling me that he hates that I rely on him.
I even feel bad for posting about the situation, but I'm desperate not to talk to friends and family about it because it might cause trouble.
Considering he doesn't have a good work ethic either, who knows how long he will even be brining in a paycheck.
Wait. WAIT. You actually have to document what you do all day????
Well this is a first. I'm sorry but it sounds bordering abuse to me. How long have you been subjected to this?
Yes, I actually have a notebook of "what I did on [insert date here]". We are currently arguing back and forth through email while I'm home and he is at his job. I'm literally going crazy here because he said that just because he goofs off at his job is no excuse for me to do that at home.
And this has been happening since December 2012... completely out of nowhere.
He says stuff like, "I work 10 hours a day and you only do 4 hours worth of cleaning while I'm gone. What are you doing for the remaining 6 hours?"
Stop arguing and stand up for yourself, tell him you have nothing to prove about your abilities as a mother and a homemaker. Put your foot down and let him know you are not going to discuss this anymore.
I also wanted to put this out for you. It is warning signs of someone with an abusive personality. Your husband already touched on a few of them
http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html
and another
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
I have said many times that I'm not discussing it anymore and he says that I'm just trying to run from my problems. I like being able to stay with my kids all of the time, but I feel like I should get a job again just to get him off my back.
Same thing with the abuse signs... I've brought that up to him before also and he doesn't believe he does that. Which also makes me think he's narcissistic where he believes he does no wrong and he's the most perfect person.
Again, I really appreciate all of the responses! It's giving me a lot of insight!
Well even if you did get a job, I doubt anything would change. Does he even help with the kids when he is home ?
There is something wrong with him. This isn't normal, not at all.
Well, why did you agree to keeping a journal?? You're enabling his abusive nature. That sounds absolutely insane to me. This is not good and you must realize you letting it happen is also concerning. The issue runs much deeper than the old argument "SAH is hard work just like full time jobs". Here we have an abuser and a controller. He told you to quit your jobs and now that you SAH demands that you report to him. It is twisted and concerning. Seek professional help and advice on what steps to take to prevent the situation from degenerating.
He hardly helps with the kids. My mom said something to him once when I had my hands full with the baby and the oldest one asked my husband to tie her shoe and he said, "Go ask mom to do it." And my mom flat out said, "You see that she's got her hands full right now.."
I have no idea why I agreed to keep a journal. Just another stupid thing I did I guess to prove that I don't just sit around and do nothing.
I'll see what I can do about finding counseling or something because I can't handle this anymore.
My jaw is on the floor.
Controlling ...wow. So many names. I can't even form a coherent response.
Most women who work do not put the effort you do into the home by the very nature of well, time.