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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Feeling like a maid. (Long Post)
Everything this guy is doing is abusive. Sounds like my ex, dont let it go on he will only push you down even more than you already are. The fact that you are already feeling worthless is a bad sign. Please please look into counseling.
Tofu, some people cant GO GO GO.. most people cant. I am sure your husband is just a normal SAH parent. That is nice you had one weekend to show him up that he was doing a horrible job. I would just laugh if my husband did that. Doing the job for a weekend is nothing compared to doing it for years...24/7.
The same would apply to a paying job that someone only does for a "weekend" here and there.
Agreed.
I fail to see how that even relates to OP's situation. She said she's kept that notebook since December - even if she was the one to start this all SAH vs full time job war out of mere spite or self-righteousness I doubt she'd still feel spiteful enough to continue writing on the blasted thing FOUR months later. I really doubt it.
My point is that it is very easy to say just leave him alone for a day with the kids and the house - he'll come back to you grovelling about how hard you really do work - when in fact it could easily backfire on you and you end up giving him ammunition.
And yeah - I think it did show my husband that it is humanly possible to be at home with the kids all day as well as make 2 beds and put in a load of laundry.
And you're absolutely right BulgariHeart - I'm completely wrong and have no valid points whatsoever, I do apologize for wasting everyone's time in attempting to offer a differing point of view.
OP - leave your controlling, abusive husband. He's clearly a horrible person and a horrible father and you're really best off with single motherhood. Best of luck.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I just finished reading all of the posts I have missed and I'm sorry that there are arguments going on between some of you. I didn't mean to cause a riot, I just wanted opinions/help/advice.
I understand the other perspective and I know that my post title is about "feeling like a maid", but that wasn't all it was about.
After he spoke with his mother the other night, he came home to talk to me. He admitted that he finds things for me to do.
There have been situations like my hands were tied with the baby and my daughter asked him to tie her shoe and he said, "Go ask mom." or... I was washing dishes and he was playing a game and saw one of the kids drop food on the floor and he said, "They dropped food, you should clean it." or... I would be getting dressed and he's just sitting around and he tells me to start a load of laundry.
All of those things are fine. I don't mind doing them because it takes two seconds to do any of it. The point is that he is perfectly capable of doing those tasks too, but he expects me to drop everything I'm ALREADY doing to do what he asks.
I brought this up to him and he says that he does it on purpose because "I don't do enough" even though I complete his list of chores every day.
I'm the type of person who is very open-minded and I rarely ask for help. So when I do ask for help or advice, it's because it's bad.
I guess nobody would truly know unless they were the ones experiencing the situation.
We are going to go to counseling to see what we can do to improve and learn to communicate better.
Hopefully any future posts that I have will be happier.
TTC since June 2012
There have been situations like my hands were tied with the baby and my daughter asked him to tie her shoe and he said, "Go ask mom." or... I was washing dishes and he was playing a game and saw one of the kids drop food on the floor and he said, "They dropped food, you should clean it." or... I would be getting dressed and he's just sitting around and he tells me to start a load of laundry.
All of those things are fine. I don't mind doing them because it takes two seconds to do any of it. The point is that he is perfectly capable of doing those tasks too, but he expects me to drop everything I'm ALREADY doing to do what he asks.
NO!! See this isn't fine. Your H is treating you like a POS. None of this okay and talking to his Mommy is only going to help for so long. This isn't normal treatment for a SAH spouse. It just isn't. I really hope you stop putting up with this and soon. Single parenthood isn't easy but I would not want my children growing up seeing me being treated that way.
I'm really happy to hear that you two are going to try counseling - but this post here gives A LOT more information and I'm kind of changing my view based on this - does he help you out at home or with the kids at all? Like, even a little? We spend our evenings tidying together, I make beds when I get up and fold laundry and put it away when the kids go to bed, I do bathroom cleaning on Saturday - does he do anything at all?
I think that you guys should be a team when he is home, and it doesn't actually sound like that to me now.
I also don't think that you should just do these things when he tells you to because it takes 2 seconds. It would take him 2 seconds too, right?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yeah, I actually agree with this based on the further information you just gave. I honestly think that counseling together is a good first step - but so would be showing a little more back bone. No more task-diary (you've been doing this from December???), no more meekly doing the tasks he tells you to do when he is capable of doing them himself and expecting him to help out when he is home.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
When he "helps", it's only to benefit himself. He keeps a journal (that I do NOT read, by the way, lol!) but he sent me one of his entries to kind of explain how he feels and it said...
"Back in the old days, the man worked and the woman stayed home with the kids and cleaned and cooked all day and that's how it should be."
So he tells me that the kids and cleaning aren't "his responsibility" because it's "my job" since I'm a stay-at-home parent.
During the talk we had the other night, I did put my foot down and told him that I won't put up with it at all anymore. I used to be such a confident girl who didn't rely on anyone (except a babysitter when I needed to work). Now I'm literally scared that I'm doing anything wrong because of how he critiques every little thing I do.
He told me that he wants us to work out, so he's willing to go to counseling and seriously work on things. If he doesn't, well, I guess I'll just have to leave and show him I'm not playing.
The fact that I posted about the situation only made me see it in a different view and now I have my head on straight. I won't allow this to happen again.
Just because he's stuck in the Dark Ages is no reason to stick yourself there, too. Have you mentioned to him that his viewpoint is extremely outdated? Does he even see you as an equal? Because in the days his journal is talking about, women were basically property.
Plus, it's not like fathers have never had anything to do with their kids. The traditional role is as disciplinarian, no? When the kid drops food, he should be telling them to pick it up.
But seriously, if my H told me he felt that way, we'd be having a serious discussion about gender equality and roles, because I'm not going to be a frickin' Stepford Wife. And I like cooking and hope to be a SAHM. But my H knows full well that that will not exempt him from all household chores and childrearing.
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with this. I too am a stay at home mom with two kids, and my husband isn't like this, not by a long shot and yes he too had a mother who was a SAHM. I do a lot of the cleaning because I am home and it is easier for me, but my husband cleans up after himself, does the dishes, does his landry, cleans the bathroom, makes the bed, changes diapers, dresses the kids, gives them baths, and helps put them to bed. We are a team and help out each other. Just because he puts in an 8 hour day at work, that doesn't mean I have to put in a 16 hour day at home. I know a lot of husbands behave the same as my husband. I have one friend has a husband like yours and we all know she is miserable. She has nothing but sympathy and pity from all of our friends.
I think attempting counseling is admirable, but please know that not every man is like this.
I totally thought narcissism at first, too! Everyone has a little bit of narcissism in them, but too much of it can be considered abusive towards another person. I'm just going to wait and see how this all ends up after counseling and working on things. I have hope that things will get better.
I brought this up to him and he says that he does it on purpose because "I don't do enough" even though I complete his list of chores every day.
So even when you do everything "right", it's STILL not good enough. He's just continuing to keep you feeling low and like you can never do good.
And I agree w/ the poster who questions how helpful counseling will really be. Abusers can turn it around, can fool the counselors, etc, then things will just go back to where they were.
Plus, if he really is a narcissist - there is very little chance he'll change. I hate to say that, but that's the nature of the beast.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would like to reiterate to beware of the efficacy of counseling. I don't blame you for trying(and none of this is your fault). Just please, please, please keep in it mind!
I wish you so much luck. Please keep us updated.
So technically you could not have dinner ready or do dishes since you put in your daily hours? My journal would look like this:
8:00-9:00 consulted an attorney
9:00-12:00 cleaned out all banking accounts
lunch: ate your dinner
1:00-4:00 scoured the ads for a new place to live
4:01-5:00 neatly packed your suitcases decided you should be the one to gtfo.
FTW - LOLOLOLOL
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
The one thing my grandmother always told my sister and I was this:
Don't do anything for a man that he can't do for himself because then he will ALWAYS expect it.
Quit enabling his sh*tty behavior and maybe he'd stop being a d*ck-bag.
I disagree with some of the other posts. I stayed home for the first several months of our marriage and I hated every second of it! I spent hours in the grocery store every week just trying to get the things I needed and hours cooking also (my hubby is not a fan of leftovers). I felt like a maid, I would try to tidy up and he would come home and make a mess and then turn around and be like "Man this place is a mess!" and ask me questions like:"What did you do today?" or "This looks clean to you?" It always hurt my feelings because I felt like I was doing my best to do everything I thought I was supposed to as a wife.
Hang in there, he is probably being a jerk because he doesn't feel appreciated for the work he does. I once told my hubby that he is a pencil pusher and he told me later that it hurt his feelings because he felt like I had no respect for him or his profession. I work in a restaurant so I am on my feet for hours everyday constantly moving and doing physical labor, I come home exhausted and I still cook and clean. But these are the facts: My hubby goes to work every day and comes home every night, I have no questions about that. He pays all of our bills (including my own personal bills) on time and he still puts money aside for us to do nice things together and I was too overwhelmed and frustrated by all I had to do in the house that I completely overlooked all of these things that not only give him his importance but things that make him feel like a man.
Do not get me wrong, your husband had no right to say what he said and suggesting that you devote 40 hours a week without any leisure time is crazy, even he gets a lunch break and has SOME downtime on his job. Try going out with friends one night a week or every two weeks and leave him with the responsibility of planning a meal, getting the kids fed bathed and ready for bed and the kitchen cleaned. Maybe when he walks a mile in your shoes he will have more of an appreciation for all that you do. Do your best and despite how your feeling if you make your man feel like THE man!! his attitude will change.
I hope things get better.
OP, I would really encourage you to talk to a counselor of your own, particularly someone who specializes in abusive/domestic violence type relationships. Everything you have described is not how a typical marriage and partnership should be functioning. He doesn't respect you or what you bring to the family. You are valuable! You are doing work that is worthy and important!
Another question, not trying to pry, but what does your bottom ticker mean? Are you guys already married or still planning on getting married?
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Yep, my jaw dropped when I read this! Honey, are you kidding me? You sound like a smart person. Are you kidding me that you put up with this ***?
Not being overly dramatic at all. My first husband was like this. We didn't have kids, but I worked 30+ hours a week and did all the housework, including the outdoors stuff (he was beyond lazy). But he felt that it was MY job and that I should spend the rest of my time at home cleaning and cleaning up after him.
It wasn't long after that started the physical issues started, him being aggressive, hitting, throwing things.
Please be careful. And I hope things get better for you!