Joint Money Questions

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

After conversation with my husband last night, I am so beyond confused.

We've been discussing expenses recently, and I really want him on a budget but he keeps fighting me on it. He doesn't want just X amount per pay, but I don't want him burning through his money.

We seem to have very different thoughts on that this is all one income, and it comes from how we were raised. {my parents together, his separated and his mother remarried and now has different financial thoughts}

I'm trying to come around and see things as joint money and have told him I refuse to have a joint account for all our money until he gets a better grasp on his spending.

Okay enough back story .... conversation went along the lines of

me: if it's joint money, then we technically get a say in each others spending.

him: it's not each others decision on spending

me: then it's not joint spending. I know where my money goes and I'm on a budget for my portion. It's not joint spending.

Does anyone here have a better thought?

julieanne912 · October 2015

I'm a bit confused, but are you saying he wants to have joint accounts, but doesn't want you to have a say in what he spends? If that's the case, I definitely agree to no joint accounts unless you all can at least get on the same page about your budget.

For us, we still have separate accounts. We're going to dip our toe in the "shared" waters this weekend and open a joint savings account at my credit union, and we will each contribute to that to save for joint purchases or things like vacations, based on what we can afford in our separate budgets. I'm good with that so far.

Erikan73 · October 2015

My husband is same way, can spend too much. We have 3 different checking accounts. Joint is for paying all the bills, and then we each have our individual accounts which we get a preset amount put into each paycheck. How each of us spends the money in our individual accounts is our own business. But once your money is gone, it's gone until the next pay day. But we always have enough money though to cover the household expenses.

csuave · October 2015

Erikan73 said:

My husband is same way, can spend too much. We have 3 different checking accounts. Joint is for paying all the bills, and then we each have our individual accounts which we get a preset amount put into each paycheck. How each of us spends the money in our individual accounts is our own business. But once your money is gone, it's gone until the next pay day. But we always have enough money though to cover the household expenses.

Same here. We put a fixed amount and the majority of our pay into joint and the leftover from the paychecks goes into his and her accounts. All purchases from the joint account are discussed and agreed, even small stuff. There is next to no discussion about our personal accounts. He can go to Vegas with his money if he wants or buy 5 Star Wars tee shirts. Meanwhile when I went on my girls weekend I spent what I wanted on spa treatments.

brij2006 · October 2015

Honestly, joint accounts may be the best thing for you both. But that doesn't just mean everything gets thrown into 1 pot. It means that you jointly sit down and do the budget together. Not you setting up a budget for him and being his mother telling him how/what/where he can spend. It's something you both discuss together and agree on each month.

My H was the spender, I the saver. When we joined our finances we both put together the budget and seriously signed the bottom of it because it was that intense of a conversation. He held me accountable to my spending, and I to him. We discussed where we were at within the budget, on an every other day basis. Over time it has gotten much easier, because we discuss our goals and know we're only spending X in Y part of the budget because of ____ goal.

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

julieanne912 said:

I'm a bit confused, but are you saying he wants to have joint accounts, but doesn't want you to have a say in what he spends? If that's the case, I definitely agree to no joint accounts unless you all can at least get on the same page about your budget.

For us, we still have separate accounts. We're going to dip our toe in the "shared" waters this weekend and open a joint savings account at my credit union, and we will each contribute to that to save for joint purchases or things like vacations, based on what we can afford in our separate budgets. I'm good with that so far.

Basically. Sorry I wasn't clear!

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

brij2006 said:

Honestly, joint accounts may be the best thing for you both. But that doesn't just mean everything gets thrown into 1 pot. It means that you jointly sit down and do the budget together. Not you setting up a budget for him and being his mother telling him how/what/where he can spend. It's something you both discuss together and agree on each month.

My H was the spender, I the saver. When we joined our finances we both put together the budget and seriously signed the bottom of it because it was that intense of a conversation. He held me accountable to my spending, and I to him. We discussed where we were at within the budget, on an every other day basis. Over time it has gotten much easier, because we discuss our goals and know we're only spending X in Y part of the budget because of ____ goal.

I do because for my job I do budgets {I work at a bankruptcy firm} He's not good at budgets, hence why I do it. I discussed with him about "allowances" so then he has spending money to do whatever.

It's the lack of ability of saving or sticking to X amount.
We do have goals - right now it's paying off credit card debt - and it's not hard to allocate the money. I just see us having issues in the future because he can't stick to the budget.

brij2006 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger said:

brij2006 said:

Honestly, joint accounts may be the best thing for you both. But that doesn't just mean everything gets thrown into 1 pot. It means that you jointly sit down and do the budget together. Not you setting up a budget for him and being his mother telling him how/what/where he can spend. It's something you both discuss together and agree on each month.

My H was the spender, I the saver. When we joined our finances we both put together the budget and seriously signed the bottom of it because it was that intense of a conversation. He held me accountable to my spending, and I to him. We discussed where we were at within the budget, on an every other day basis. Over time it has gotten much easier, because we discuss our goals and know we're only spending X in Y part of the budget because of ____ goal.

I do because for my job I do budgets {I work at a bankruptcy firm} He's not good at budgets, hence why I do it. I discussed with him about "allowances" so then he has spending money to do whatever.
It's the lack of ability of saving or sticking to X amount.
We do have goals - right now it's paying off credit card debt - and it's not hard to allocate the money. I just see us having issues in the future because he can't stick to the budget.

But that just causes resentment. You're making him feel like you're his mommy who has to give him a weekly allowance. He doesn't see or decide on the decisions with the money, he doesn't know or understand why he's being given X amount for an allowance. That's where what you're doing isn't working so he just does whatever he wants, because he feels like it's his money anyways.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger said:

brij2006 said:

Honestly, joint accounts may be the best thing for you both. But that doesn't just mean everything gets thrown into 1 pot. It means that you jointly sit down and do the budget together. Not you setting up a budget for him and being his mother telling him how/what/where he can spend. It's something you both discuss together and agree on each month.

My H was the spender, I the saver. When we joined our finances we both put together the budget and seriously signed the bottom of it because it was that intense of a conversation. He held me accountable to my spending, and I to him. We discussed where we were at within the budget, on an every other day basis. Over time it has gotten much easier, because we discuss our goals and know we're only spending X in Y part of the budget because of ____ goal.

I do because for my job I do budgets {I work at a bankruptcy firm} He's not good at budgets, hence why I do it. I discussed with him about "allowances" so then he has spending money to do whatever.

It's the lack of ability of saving or sticking to X amount.
We do have goals - right now it's paying off credit card debt - and it's not hard to allocate the money. I just see us having issues in the future because he can't stick to the budget.

He should still be part of the process even if you do the math. I do the spreadsheet part for us, but H still gives plenty of input and let's me know what expenses he has coming up that need to be accounted for. He told me today that we needed to budget $70 to winterize our sprinklers, which I never would have remembered in a million years.

I don't say this to be mean, just to offer an outsider's perspective, but your posts about H are coming off a little adversarial. If I called "fun money" "allowance" I think my H would shut down too. My recommendation is that you guys do something together to get on the same page, like work through "Smart Couples Finish Rich," take DR's class, or meet with a financial advisor. My suspicion is that he just hasn't bought into the benefits of budgeting yet, but that an objective third party could help.

hoffse · October 2015

Be careful with the term "allowance." Your H is an adult, and designating an allowance for him could lead to a lot of resentment.

If you're going to be the one to take the lead on budgeting, that needs to be a joint decision. I'm better at it than my H is, but he readily acknowledges that and is more than happy for me to do most of it. We play to our strengths, but it was a joint decision about who is going to manage the family spreadsheets. Money is too important for one person to just unilaterally take over.

If your H can't stick to the budget you designate, that might also be a sign that your budget is too tight. Your H does have a right to spend some of the family money in ways that may only benefit him. It can take time to get used to the idea that your H's golf or beer habits matter, but they do. As long as they aren't pushing you guys backwards with respect to your goals, you need to make room for it. Likewise, he needs to make room for some things that you enjoy that are only for you.

H and I don't do "mad money" or "blow money" funds for each of us, but we're in the extreme minority on that. That might be something you guys should try - put the money for joint expenses (housing, insurance, gas, food, subscriptions, etc.) into a joint account and then split your miscellaneous spending money into separate accounts so you can't judge each other.

hoffse · October 2015

Oh and I'll second that my H tells me about his things coming up. He has to buy a birthday gift for his assistant next week. Totally fine, it's his money too.

Also, he doesn't ask my permission to go out to lunch or go to the driving range or anything. He asked permission for the driving range once, and that's when I knew I had put a stranglehold on our budget and really needed to lighten up a bit. If it's a big purchase (maybe $100?) we talk about it, but otherwise we don't ask permission.

We use CC's so every day I enter the purchases I see on our cards and categorize them. We keep a joint google doc that H can check before he goes out and spends.

It can take awhile to develop a joint, realistic budget. Truthfully, it probably took us 4 or 5 months. And then we bought the house and it took us another 4 or 5 months to adjust to our new level of spending, and we still haven't gotten it perfect. I don't think I've ever had a month in the last 3 years where we were within budget on every single category we designate. I've made peace with that, as long as our net is in a good range. Some months are better than others, and that's also ok.

simplyelise · October 2015

Yeah, with the way you guys are communicating about money, you're never going to stop having conflict regardless of joint or separate. You've got to get on the same page about your goals and priorities.

I think backwards planning is the best way to approach things when you first start budgeting. What is the goal amount we want to put into retirement each year. When do we want to be debt free? When do we want to buy a house? Do we want to upgrade vehicles? Do we want children and will we both keep working with kids?

Once you know where you want to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5, years, and 10 years, you can ask: what do we need to do to get there? Your husband needs to be an active participant in this process. Once you've both figured out together what your priorities are, work on a budget together. You cannot simply write a budget for someone else and expect that they have any amount of buy-in on it. So give him the pen and have him write down your joint income and subtract all your fixed expenses. Then pull out your list of priorities and have a conversation about the remaining income and how you want to allocate it.

You might have different perspectives on what makes you feel unstable. Express those issues with "I feel" statements. "I feel nervous when we only have $x in savings because I worry about what we would do if one of us lost our job. It would make me feel a lot more secure and prepared if we focused on building up our savings to 3 months of expenses so I don't feel anxious about emergencies."

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

simplyelise said:

Yeah, with the way you guys are communicating about money, you're never going to stop having conflict regardless of joint or separate. You've got to get on the same page about your goals and priorities.

I think backwards planning is the best way to approach things when you first start budgeting. What is the goal amount we want to put into retirement each year. When do we want to be debt free? When do we want to buy a house? Do we want to upgrade vehicles? Do we want children and will we both keep working with kids?

Once you know where you want to be in 1 year, 2 years, 5, years, and 10 years, you can ask: what do we need to do to get there? Your husband needs to be an active participant in this process. Once you've both figured out together what your priorities are, work on a budget together. You cannot simply write a budget for someone else and expect that they have any amount of buy-in on it. So give him the pen and have him write down your joint income and subtract all your fixed expenses. Then pull out your list of priorities and have a conversation about the remaining income and how you want to allocate it.

You might have different perspectives on what makes you feel unstable. Express those issues with "I feel" statements. "I feel nervous when we only have $x in savings because I worry about what we would do if one of us lost our job. It would make me feel a lot more secure and prepared if we focused on building up our savings to 3 months of expenses so I don't feel anxious about emergencies."

For some of this we did do that. Planned out "how much can we each afford per month towards paying off debt?" some of the money we are currently putting towards debt will go towards saving. Example with pretend numbers: he currently puts 1200/month towards debt, once it's paid off he'll put 1000/month towards saving for a house. That will take us roughly 2yrs to save for a down payment. After that we rebuild savings, and TTC. We'll both be working once mat leave is over, so we know daycare isn't cheap.

Since I work at a bankruptcy firm, I use examples {no names, just ages} of people relevant so he can see if we don't figure out budget now and learn to save, we could easily screw ourselves. He knows his spending makes me nervous

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

hoffse said:

Oh and I'll second that my H tells me about his things coming up. He has to buy a birthday gift for his assistant next week. Totally fine, it's his money too.

Also, he doesn't ask my permission to go out to lunch or go to the driving range or anything. He asked permission for the driving range once, and that's when I knew I had put a stranglehold on our budget and really needed to lighten up a bit. If it's a big purchase (maybe $100?) we talk about it, but otherwise we don't ask permission.

We use CC's so every day I enter the purchases I see on our cards and categorize them. We keep a joint google doc that H can check before he goes out and spends.

It can take awhile to develop a joint, realistic budget. Truthfully, it probably took us 4 or 5 months. And then we bought the house and it took us another 4 or 5 months to adjust to our new level of spending, and we still haven't gotten it perfect. I don't think I've ever had a month in the last 3 years where we were within budget on every single category we designate. I've made peace with that, as long as our net is in a good range. Some months are better than others, and that's also ok.

I never expect it to be over night {ideal world ...} but he's always had a spending problem. Right now he's waiting for 2 games to come available and it's just before xmas, but he still wants to spend on himself. That's my issue. If he were more realistic with his money and spending, I would probably feel better.

simplyelise · October 2015

Then my next suggestion is a going to see a financial planner and/or marriage counselor. It honestly sounds like you think you should be able to just tell him exactly how your money is going to be spent without him objecting.

As others have noted, you are putting yourself in a parent role when you say, "this is your allowance each month." The flip side of that is that he starts responding like a kid to this treatment. So he is saying, "I want this and I deserve it and I don't care what you say, I'm going to buy it." This is a really unhealthy way to relate about money. And it's one that both of you bear responsibility for. It really comes across like you just want him to jump in 100% on your entire plan. You have to compromise too.

hoffse · October 2015

simplyelise said:

Then my next suggestion is a going to see a financial planner and/or marriage counselor. It honestly sounds like you think you should be able to just tell him exactly how your money is going to be spent without him objecting.

As others have noted, you are putting yourself in a parent role when you say, "this is your allowance each month." The flip side of that is that he starts responding like a kid to this treatment. So he is saying, "I want this and I deserve it and I don't care what you say, I'm going to buy it." This is a really unhealthy way to relate about money. And it's one that both of you bear responsibility for. It really comes across like you just want him to jump in 100% on your entire plan. You have to compromise too.

Seconded.

I'll also add that as somebody who does project out budgets months (years) in advance, you need to allow some room for flexibility, and you need to be willing to scrap the plan and start over again. I've had to do that more times than I care to admit. Having a 5 year plan is great, but I have learned the hard way that it needs to be less concrete and more goal oriented.

I also think that if you are giving him examples of your bankruptcy clients as a "look what can happen if you don't listen" kind of thing, he's going to react badly to the doomsday-ness of it. Bankruptcy is a big deal, and most people who go through it take it very seriously. It's a choice of last resort for most. Buying some new games may not be the best financial choice, but it's probably alarmist to relate that level of spending to bankruptcy.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger said:

hoffse said:

Oh and I'll second that my H tells me about his things coming up. He has to buy a birthday gift for his assistant next week. Totally fine, it's his money too.

Also, he doesn't ask my permission to go out to lunch or go to the driving range or anything. He asked permission for the driving range once, and that's when I knew I had put a stranglehold on our budget and really needed to lighten up a bit. If it's a big purchase (maybe $100?) we talk about it, but otherwise we don't ask permission.

We use CC's so every day I enter the purchases I see on our cards and categorize them. We keep a joint google doc that H can check before he goes out and spends.

It can take awhile to develop a joint, realistic budget. Truthfully, it probably took us 4 or 5 months. And then we bought the house and it took us another 4 or 5 months to adjust to our new level of spending, and we still haven't gotten it perfect. I don't think I've ever had a month in the last 3 years where we were within budget on every single category we designate. I've made peace with that, as long as our net is in a good range. Some months are better than others, and that's also ok.

I never expect it to be over night {ideal world ...} but he's always had a spending problem. Right now he's waiting for 2 games to come available and it's just before xmas, but he still wants to spend on himself. That's my issue. If he were more realistic with his money and spending, I would probably feel better.

The video game thing...well...it is what it is. H loves them too and I just completely don't get it, but it's important to him. He lets me budget for things important to me, so it's only fair to do the same within reason. This is why budgeting together (again, even if you do the math) is so important. Sample convo:

"Xstatic, the new Zelda comes out this week and it's $45.00. Can we work it into the budget?"

"Ok, come look at the budget so far. It's pretty tight since we have a dentist appointment to pay for. Looks like we can work it in if you use some of your fun money, or if we can keep groceries down a little bit and wait until next week for big purchases."

OR, alternately,

"Hmmm, come look at the budget. It looks like between the dentist appointment and your mom's birthday we just don't have any wiggle room this week. Do you see any other ways to move things around that I am missing? I will definitely remember to budget it out in a couple of paychecks, though. Sounds like a cool game."

Take those examples versus what I'm really thinking inside:

"Really? How is that worth $45 to you? Wouldn't you rather stick it in the travel fund for something important?"

And then you see a bit of the importance of compromise. If I said what I was thinking he'd ignore me and do what he wants, and our marriage would suffer. My H is pretty spendy too. He wants a new computer SO BADLY but because we budget together, he sees that our recent vet and dentist bills mean that purchase can't happen in January like we hoped a few months ago.

Another thing I've noticed is that many guys, mine included, budget differently for the holidays. Last year I budgeted for us each to take $20 a paycheck, starting in October, and put it in a Christmas "envelope." H spent none of that on Christmas presents, and usually didn't even make the withdrawals. This year, I'm going to propose just going putting $400 aside out of his mid-December paycheck for presents and Christmas parties. He's much more last minute about everything than I am, and I've got to work with what he's giving me.

als1982 · October 2015

My husband loves sports (season ticket holder) and Monster energy drinks, both of which I think are dumb things to spend money on, so we budget $300 a month for him to spend as he chooses no questions asked and I get the same amount that he can't comment on. How much mad money are you allocating now? Maybe it's just too low.

jtmh2012 · October 2015

hoffse said:

H and I don't do "mad money" or "blow money" funds for each of us, but we're in the extreme minority on that. That might be something you guys should try - put the

We don't have "fun money" accounts either. Never needed them.

kmurphy2131 · October 2015

I have always been the one who does our budget. When we combined money after we got married H became frustrated after about 6 months. He trusted me to do the budget but kept saying I was "too strict" and felt that I was withholding too much money and that I needed to loosen up and let him have more "personal money" (what we call our fun money). I realized that he had NO idea what it cost to just keep things going. I wasn't super happy with my current system, so I started using "you need a budget" (YNAB) because I really liked the interface and it has a mobile app so he was able to see on his phone how our budget is distributed. Plus, it saved me time because he updates all of his own stuff through the mobile app.

I had no idea that I had taken too much control - he has absolutely no interest in doing the budget so I thought I was doing him a favor but he is so much happier now.

Also - I agree that allowance might have a negative connotation.

AprilZ81 · October 2015

DH is a saver most of the time but he is generous with gifts and loves craft beer.

I'm on the line between spender/saver and can work towards multiple goals at once.

I'm better at budgeting than DH and we (mostly) use the same monthly budget all year. When we need to make changes to adjust for a job loss, pay cut, raise or extra expense I usually take the lead in writing out the budget. I then sit down with DH and explain my reasoning and I ask him what changes he would like to see and we discuss them and then jointly decide on the final budget. Sometimes that includes cutting an area that is important to me (savings) to include more personal fun money that is important to him.

Can you have a discussion about WHY he is reacting the way he is? It does seem unusual that you are married and he thinks that you should have no say how the money is spent.

I second PPs that you need to be careful about making all the decision for him (he needs input) and unless there is a huge spending problem you didn't mention, him spending a $100ish dollars on new games for himself isn't going to put you guys in bankruptcy proceedings.

vlagrl29 · October 2015

jtmh2012 said:

hoffse said:

H and I don't do "mad money" or "blow money" funds for each of us, but we're in the extreme minority on that. That might be something you guys should try - put the

We don't have "fun money" accounts either. Never needed them.

we had it when we first got married but once we got pregnant they stopped existing. We don't do them either.

bmo88 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger: Figuring out finances together can be really tricky and contentious for some people. It can be especially hard if one person doesn't like talking about finances. I have found that we handle our finances together because we focus on goals and our life style rather than the nitty gritty numbers. My H hates budgets and the details, I love that.

So together, we discussed our goals, what we want for our future and the kind of life style we want. Then, I sat down, combed through the numbers and came up with an amount we needed to save, invest and what we could spend monthly to achieve that. I completely nerded out doing it.

Once I had some numbers, I sat back down with DH and explained how I came up with it and how we could accomplish it. He gave some feedback, we made some modifications and then we moved forward from there. Though I did a majority of the financial planning, we decided our priorities together.

FWIW, we do not have joint checking accounts, only two joint savings accounts. We have been together for 12 years, married for two years and we have yet to merge. We will likely not merge (loyal to our own banks). But, monthly we reconcile accounts, pay bills, contribute to savings and assess balances. It actually makes us communicate more about our finances since it's not in the same account. It works really well.

Rather than approaching it as an allowance or strict spending amount, maybe consider sitting down and focusing on financial priorities and goals first. Then work toward the details. Maybe your DH wants to save for a big trip, or a new item and having the goal to save will help motivate him and give direction.

dragonstarjk · October 2015

We don't have joint accounts either, and probably never will (together 13 years, married 6 1/2). It totally works for us. I see this brought up on here all the time, but the problems a couple has with finances is almost never because of 'where' their money is, and almost always because of 'how' they are communicating about money. Putting your money into a joint account does NOT solve the issues of poor communication. I think it is a good decision on your part to not combine finances until you are both on the same page.

That being said, I agree w/ pps that you need to do the budget together. You can't just sit down, write a budget by yourself, and then say, okay dear, you need to follow this budget and you have x amount to spend on such and such. If I did that to my H, he would be very irritated and would probably just ignore me.

Now, my H has never been crazy about discussing budgets. For a long time, he had a 'let's just wing it' mentality. It has only been the last two years or so that he has started talking more about retirement and planning for the future. All along the way, I have been trying to provide advice and guidance, all while letting him come to this point on his own. Granted, all of the bills got paid along the way; it's just that his budget was more in his head. Now, our budget is written out and we made it together. We can hold each other accountable and we work on goals together. I just never tried to force him to think about money the same way that I do. I work at a bank; I'm always going to have a different perspective, and it's okay to bring both of our ideas together.

We also don't have 'fun' money in the traditional sense. We budget all of our expenses, bills, savings, retirement, etc. and then whatever is left in each of our accounts after everything is paid is ours to do whatever we want with. H spends money on things that would probably drive me crazy if it wasn't for the fact that all of our budgeted items are taken care of. And I'm sure I spend money on things that he thinks are crazy too. But we don't need to have control over that extra money because everything in the budget is accounted for.

bmo88 · October 2015

dragonstarjk: I completely agree about joint accounts vs separate. It doesn't matter where your money is if you don't agree on financial priorities and if you don't communicate. I have a good friend who has joint everything but refuses to discuss finances with her husband. It causes a huge strain because one is a spender and one is a saver. However, her refusal to discuss finances has made it more frustrating since they aren't moving any closer to an agreement.

simplyelise · October 2015

bmo88 said:

dragonstarjk: I completely agree about joint accounts vs separate. It doesn't matter where your money is if you don't agree on financial priorities and if you don't communicate. I have a good friend who has joint everything but refuses to discuss finances with her husband. It causes a huge strain because one is a spender and one is a saver. However, her refusal to discuss finances has made it more frustrating since they aren't moving any closer to an agreement.

Agree completely. Even if you keep things separately, you still have to make many financial decisions together.

The fact that you've only ever posted a question once before and that was in January and it was essentially the same exact question just shows that you guys need help communicating on money. There is no shame on that, but you do want to deal with it while you're still newlyweds and before you get completely set in your ways. Regardless of whether you combine your money into one pot or you make decisions based on two pots, you have to compromise together.

None of us gets our way 100% on finances. I'd be down with really tightening our budget and getting second jobs to pay off DH's student loans even faster (currently 12 months in and 9 months left). But DH is pushed as far as he will go and he would feel immensely guilty if I was working more to pay off his loans. So we compromise on a budget we both can live with and agree too. Both of you have to buy in on that.

short+sassy · October 2015

On video games:

Me: "Didn't you just buy Madden football last year?" "What do you mean it's the new season? Isn't it exactly the same game?"

This was a real conversation many years ago...when we were just dating and he could spend whatever he wanted because our finances were separate...and I was more just curious because it sounded bizarre to buy a new game every year that was just like the year's before, except player names were updated.

Now it is a joking conversation we have every year. He knows I think its silly so I tease him, but don't judge him, about it. Just like I buy things that he thinks are silly and sometimes teases me about.

julieanne912 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger, quick question... is there an income gap between you and your H.... like he makes a lot more than you? I just ask because sometimes my H acts like yours... in his head sometimes, he makes a lot more so he should be able to spend whatever he wants. He's gotten A LOT better about it though. He's the type where I can present an idea, or mention something I'd like to do, and he has to think about it for awhile. Like when we first got together he had no budget, and always just spent whatever he felt like. After awhile he came around to the idea of me putting together a budget for him, with his input. So it might still take some time for him to come around, but until then, I agree no joint accounts.

MissKittyDanger · October 2015

@julieanne912 there is by approx 17K ... I feel like mine has this thing where he makes more, there for can spend frivolously.

to everyone: sorry I didn't respond to everyone! I did read them! I think for the time being, we'll be keeping accounts separate. Maybe forever, maybe for now. I'm still not a huge fan of his spending and after speaking to his mum, he's always been like that. Bills get paid on time, but thinks rest of money is "free money" - his dad is similar. Nurture vs nature I suppose!

julieanne912 · October 2015

MissKittyDanger said:

@julieanne912 there is by approx 17K ... I feel like mine has this thing where he makes more, there for can spend frivolously.

to everyone: sorry I didn't respond to everyone! I did read them! I think for the time being, we'll be keeping accounts separate. Maybe forever, maybe for now. I'm still not a huge fan of his spending and after speaking to his mum, he's always been like that. Bills get paid on time, but thinks rest of money is "free money" - his dad is similar. Nurture vs nature I suppose!

Yeah, my H is very similar, only he makes like 3 times as much as I do. His dad has the exact same spending habits as he does too, which is unfortunate because he may never get to retire because of it. He's gotten a lot better since we've been together, but still has some WTF moments too...like a couple weeks ago where one day he was telling me how he's stressed out about money, but then goes the next day and buys a new $200 hockey jersey, when he has 5 already, because "it's the new one that just came out". So, for now I just hope he sticks to the budget I made for him (I made it, but don't monitor it), and we keep our accounts separate for the most part. We do have a joint checking/savings because it's easier to give each other money that way, but we still keep separate "operating" accounts.

brij2006 · October 2015

It really sounds like you guys need to have a heart to heart. Budgeting together may be your best option, and being open about both his and your money.

I'm a Dave Ramsey advocate, but because he talks about money in more than just "money." It's getting on the same page together and discussing money, goals, futures, etc. There's more to his program than just paying off debt. He offers a class called Financial Peace University that's a great class to go to together and get on the same page about money.

My H is a total spender. He spent $7,000 on modifying his car one year (he's a huge car guy), and I was beyond pissed. We had separate accounts then. His excuse, "well I was raised this way." Ever since we have gotten on the same page with finances, he would never spend that much on something so selfish and frivolous. He now knows that there are bigger and greater things we are both working toward and those things are more important. But he was definitely not raised that way. His dad has $10k in retirement and debt up to his eyeballs. He's also filed bankruptcy 3 times in his life.

My H very well could have continued his selfish spending behavior and blamed it on his upbringing, but that was going to lead us to financial turmoil and probably eventually divorce (I'm a saver). Using "the way I was raised" is a copout.

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