Money Matters
jtmh2012
mod
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Secret accounts?
A friend of mine last April started what she calls a "secret account" that supposedly her husband doesn't know anything about and has been slowly funneling money into it (about $50/75 month). From what she's said, the purpose is to be able to buy things for him without him knowing or seeing the amount.
This just rubs me the wrong way for some reason. Maybe I've watched too many people die lately and their families are having to go around and figure out where all the accounts are and that's without people intentionally hiding things.
I know people do things different ways and many people have separate accounts, but don't the spouses usually know what accounts exist even if they're separate?
Maybe I'm just weird......
Re: Secret accounts?
My boss and co-worker were just telling me and another younger co-worker how we should have a separate secret account or stash from our husbands in case "anything happens" as in leaves us or cheats on us etc. We were both a bit taken back.... I'm all about having separate spending $ for things we each want to buy for ourselves or each other, but I feel it's a bit extreme and sketchy to go hiding money. I wouldn't have married nor joined accounts with H if I didn't trust him...and this isn't something that I would feel comfortable hiding from him....Our money is each others money.
For the record, neither of these women are currently married or in a stable relationship.....
H and I keep all of our accounts separate, but he definitely knows about all of them. He just has the one checking because that's all he wants to manage. I have 1 checking and 5 savings; he gives me money each month to distribute into savings how I see fit. We are beneficiaries on each other's accounts.
Any time a spouse is hiding money for any reason, that is a HUGE red flag IMO. I also see this a lot in banking. One spouse--usually the man--is in total control of the finances, and then when they pass away, the wife comes into the bank totally lost and with no clue what they have or what to do. It's really quite sad.
I did have a coworker once tell me that I should have separate accounts from H, "in case he leaves." Yeah, no thanks. Not something I'm worried about, though I feel badly for my coworker that something caused her to have that line of thinking. I just nodded and smiled.
As near as I can tell that's all she's using it for. She just told me she's managed to accumulate $4200 since April between her $50/75 a month and various gifts she was given. Told me she was thinking about booking a trip to Mexico for the two of them.
And just to be clear, even though we don't have separate accounts (everything is joint as much as we could make it), it's not the separate that bothers me. It's the fact that it is secret. I just think both spouses should know that the account at least exists.
As near as I can tell that's all she's using it for. She just told me she's managed to accumulate $4200 since April between her $50/75 a month and various gifts she was given. Told me she was thinking about booking a trip to Mexico for the two of them.
And just to be clear, even though we don't have separate accounts (everything is joint as much as we could make it), it's not the separate that bothers me. It's the fact that it is secret. I just think both spouses should know that the account at least exists.
I'm glad that's all it is. And yes, totally agree that it shouldn't be secret if there's that much money involved!For me if my spouse had a secret account I would be concerned about what else are they hiding. This isn't like she's putting away $20 of the weekly grocery budget in the sock drawer to help save up for a family vacation.
My husband and I have individual checking accounts for the exact reason she has a secret account. Each paycheck we get an "allowance" that goes into our individual accounts. We can each spend that money however we like with no questions asked. My husband likes to use his for going out to lunch or once or twice a year a new video game. I tend to use my for clothes. But it's our money to do with as please & it has no impact on our joint account and the bills that need to be paid.
I think she needs to approach husband and maybe propose something like this. This way they both get some spending freedom but then they aren't hiding things from each other.
This really doesn't bother me much. Maybe because H and I keep separate finances but I really wouldn't care if he was putting money away each pay check and didn't tell me. What he does with his money is his business and vice versa. I would especially be happy if he booked us a trip some where using the money! I definitely think I'm in the minority here thou.
This is something we regularly recommend to our clients who are in domestic violence situations, especially if there is also substance abuse. We always ask if there is any way they can stash some money aside for when they are able to leave, if they want to. It's part of a safety plan. It's not ideal for someone to have to hide money from their spouse/significant other but sometimes it is a survival mechanism.