Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: 1st post here :-(
Okay,so you are a feminist who hyphenated her name, which you didn't like, but you dropped out of your friends wedding because you didn't agreewith her choice?
I always thought feminism was about a woman's right to choose. A woman can choose to be a home-maker,a career woman, whatever she wants. Your friend chose to have her father walk her down the aisle. She didn't have to let him, she chose it and as a feminist you should respect her choices. Tearing down other women is not feminism. You are an awful hypocrite.
My husband defends me against his family, but if I got in a fight with a friend, he would stay out of it. It is not his battle. I can take care of myself, even though my father walked me down the aisle. Oh, and I kept my own last name.
1. No, you're missing the point: You're just as dillusional as everyone else in this debacle and you think you're being the rational one.
2. yes, you had a right to bow out, no one said you didn't......doesn't mean you're not a PITA friend acting like a diva.
3.Your DH is a p*ssy.
This for sure. Part of me doesn't even believe your "BF" is a liar either.
This whole post makes no sense.
You know, there are some feminists out there who would consider your decision to 1) get married 2) to a man archaic and sexist. How would you feel if one of these people was your friend and decided to use your wedding as her personal soapbox?
I generally fit the stereotype of the angry feminazi to a T. I find the notion of the bride's father giving her away revolting and I think the ways women try to explain it away and justify it are a load of hooey. I don't subscribe to the "feminism is all about choice" school of thought. And I think the way you handled this situation was deplorable. We've all lived our entire lives in a patriarchy, and we all carry baggage from it. Indeed, you seem to be more aware of the existence of gendered oppression than your friend and yet you've made some conscious choices to perpetuate it in your own marriage. I think you're uncomfortable with some of the choices you've made and you're taking it out on your "friend".
You've tried to maintain a friendship with someone you clearly don't like very much, and you married someone you clearly don't like very much. As others have said, the common denominator in all of this is you and your choices.
This thread is hilarious.
Bowie took the words out of my mouth. I was going to say "the common denominator in each of these equations is you." You're surrounded by drama because you seem to create it out of relatively innocuous situations.
Hindsight really said it the best. You were totally wrong to back out of your friend's wedding because you didn't agree with her decision. Now, you point out that just as she should be free to have the wedding she wants, you should be free to back out of it if you don't agree with you choices. Well, yes, that is true. But what you fail to realize is that freedom to act does not equal freedom from the consequences of your act. You were free to back out, and what did it get you? A rightfully pissy former best friend, a dose of "who the hell do you think you are" from her parents at the wedding, and an embarrassed husband in the background shuffling from foot to foot and wishing he could sink through the floor. How does that freedom taste?
I don't think your husband is a coward at all. Your husband was apologizing to her and taking her side because he thought you were wrong. Apparently, you believe marrying someone removes your own thoughts/opinions and demands that you back them up no matter how wrong they are. If my DH started publicly declaring a viewpoint I didn't agree with (let's say he was having a road rage confrontation with another man), I wouldn't stand blindly behind him nodding my agreement and ringing a cowbell in support. I'd grab him by the arm, tell him he's going to get us killed and drag him the hell out of there.
So, by all means, divorce him. Sounds like you don't really like him anyway. And personally, I'm guessing he'd be relieved.
Why are you still friends with this person?
You can't hold it against her what her parents think or say. They are adults.
It's her wedding and if she wanted her Dad to give her away, big deal. Do you only have friends who view the world the exact way that you do?
Your DH should stand up for you, but since you are a feminist, do you need a man to stand up for you when clearly you should be able to stand up for yourself.
Why did you marry him when you already knew you had issues with him? Why are you still married to him?
Just one more feminist chiming in that your behavior at your "bff's" wedding was deplorable.
You remind me a bit of myself in my angry, bitter days at all of 17 - 19. Did it ever occur to you that other people can be right sometimes too? That your way is not the only way to do things? And most of all, that forcing your views onto others can harm your relationships with them?
I've gotten into vicious arguments with people in the past. When it's me expressing my own views, I never expected my husband (or boyfriend) to back me up, because they're MY thoughts and MY beliefs. I'm arguing from my worldview.
Granted, you might not find me feminist enough. My father walked me down the aisle, but given that my father's the one primarily responsible for me becoming aware of gender inequalities, I know neither of us viewed it as an exchange of chattel. I did not, however, change my name in any way. I told DH that I'd only hyphenate if he did as well. Doing so for men, at that time in CA, required filing a legal name change with the courts, though women just needed to sign a new name on the marriage license. So neither of us changed a thing.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Just get a puppet. Next time your husband isn't defending you, pull out the puppet and do your better impression of your husband and the way you want him to defend you. Repeat as necessary until you have the correct results. If you get too frustrated, add in a whip and beat him when he doesn't do what you want. Works in almost every occasion.
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You're doing feminism wrong.
Your relationships sound like playground politics.
Princess, you sound like a piece of work. Keep posting, please.
I have something to tell you. It will probably be a shock.
YOUR WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY. YOUR WAY IS NOT ALWAYS THE ONLY RIGHT WAY.
Once you learn that, you'll stop seeming like an entitled little twat who thinks anyone that doesn't agree with her is completely and utterly wrong. I wouldn't stand up for you either if I were married to you.
This was a real d*ck move on your part. The night before?? really?? Some best friend you are. I'd be pi$$ed at you too.