Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
"but the first year of marriage is so hard..."
This is all I keep hearing. From one person or another. Even my own mom. I'm starting to second guess my decision. Maybe I'm too hard on him and am expecting too much from a husband. How do I know that this isn't the normal growing pains of the first year of marriage? I feel like I'm not asking too much, but now suddenly I feel like I may find myself regretting this decision when I realize that his "flaws" aren't that bad.
I wish I could turn my ears off when people say these things. I'm questioning everything I think and feel now.
Re: "but the first year of marriage is so hard..."
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Did you live together before marriage? If not, then what is hard is the adjustment of learning to live together. ANY relationship - married or just "living together" - can be rough as you're learning a whole lot of new things about one another.
Past that, a good relationship shouldn't be hard. It just shouldn't be. yes, all relationships require some degree of "work", but a truly good relationship should be relatively easy to maintain. I'm not saying you'll never go through rough patches, or never fight, etc. But big picture- good relationships just should not be all that difficult.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not trying to sound like an idiot, but how can you be sure of the difference? I'm questioning whether or not I expect too much so I end up highlighting his flaws. But then I have to keep in mind that it's no one thing, or one area. There are issues from all angles and I don't feel like it can possibly be all me and my high expectations.
I don't know. I feel more confused now than I have in the last year.
Ditto. I'm not married, but have been living with BF for one year this week, It has sometimes been a struggle adjusting to living with someone, but under no circumstance have I considered it "hard or difficult" as we were able to talk openly about the things that we struggling with in the relationship and with moving in together.
Life is hard enough, the person you are married to shouldn't make it harder or more difficult.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
My first year of marriage was not difficult at all. I can see where you might experience some bumps the first year if you didn't live together before getting married- moving in with another person, whether it's your husband or just a roommate, always requires some adjustment.
Your problem goes far beyond typical first- year stuff- you're husband simply doesn't respect you. That's not something that's going to change if you just stay married to him. He isn't going to magically morph into a decent person the day after your first anniversary.
With people giving you advice like that, it's no wonder you ended up in this situation to begin with. Ultimately, YOU are the one who is most affected by whatever choice you end up making. The people pressuring you to stay aren't the ones who are stuck with a horrible husband who takes advantage of their low self-esteem. In the end, the only person you can rely on to act in your best interest is yourself. It's time to stop worrying about what other people think and trust your gut. You aren't happy with him, and for good reason. His flaws ARE that bad.
I would look at anyone dismissing your unhappiness and encouraging you to stay very carefully.
We lived together for about a year and a half prior to marriage. It was "hard" getting used to his routine vs mine, the way the paper towels roll, etc. We went through the fight of money, combining accounts, who's responsible for writing checks, all that. I thought those were the kinds of things that were the growing pains. Right? Or did I set my expectations too high?
What exactly was the fight of money?
No, your expectations are not too high. You already went through all of the things people are referring to when they say the first year can be tough.
I don't remember- are you in therapy? Because you really need to be if you think expecting your husband not to condescend to you is asking for too much.
I agree that you have to trust your gut. You are the one living it. Sometimes, we don't accurately portray what we are experiencing.
this. SO and I have lived together for a year and six months now--I never once would call it "hard."
That's why it's bothering me more than anything today. It's my own mom that told me yesterday how hard the first year(s) can be. She gave me a few war stories of her and my dad who've been married 30+ years. After hearing those stories and her telling me how hard it can be at times, I feel like I'm being to hard on him. But. I keep telling my mom, that her and my dad at the end of every day have that love for each other that they're willing to stick by each other. My husband and I do not have that underlying love that can get us through anything. I realize that sounds like some fairy-tale bullshiit, but you get the point. We don't have the foundation we need.
Mostly just lurk on this board, but had to chime in on this one.
I've been married a year and half and it's been wonderful. Blissful actually. I, too, believed the saying that the first year was supposed to be the hardest. And I thought to myself, if this is hard, the rest of our lives will be cake!
But that is wrong. The first year should probably be the easiest! (This comes from an older family member of mine who has been married many years). You are newly in love, still exploring each other's likes and dislikes. It should be new and exciting still! It shouldn't be until many years down the road that the little things begin to grate on your nerves.
If you are having this hard of a time this early on in your relationship, I agree with PPs, trust your gut. It shouldn't be this hard. It does not get easier.
Well, there you go. Now what do you plan to do about that?
Yes!
Also, it's not just the first year that's tough. When two lives are so intertwined, there's always going to be a little friction. The pp who said your spouse shouldn't make your life more difficult has it right. Life is hard enough - families fight, friends screw you over, people die, jobs come and go, money gets tight. Shiit happens. It's how you deal with it as a couple that determines how successful your marriage will be. And I think you know that the person you chose wasn't the best option for you. Stick to your guns.
Anyone who wants to can have their opinion of your marriage, but in the end, YOU are the only one who has to live with him. YOU are the only one who has to deal with him day in and day out. YOU are the only one who can make the choice whether it's worth sucking it up and sticking it out.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
After we combined accounts it was a struggle to pay attention to one another's spending habits, etc. Sometimes I'd use the debit card knowing we had money, but not realizing one of his bills was coming out (like his car payment that I wasn't used to having, etc) and then there'd be like $5 left for the week. Stuff like that. It was an adjustment for both of us to realize we now had each other's bills to pay and each others random charges, etc.
If you marry someone without living with them, sure, there will be an adjustment period, but a good marriage shouldn't be hard, IMO, even in the first year.
If you live with the person already what is it about a ring and a piece of paper that suddenly flips the switch to "OMG we're married and the first year IS SO HARD!" ... ?
My first year of marriage was terrible, because I married the wrong person. You need to trust your gut, and I think you would probably benefit from therapy to help sort through everything.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
agreed. If you think the first year of marriage like this is hard, wait till you get to the twentieth.
I am not in therapy yet. I keep saying that I need to be, I just haven't made the move to start finding someone I'm comfortable with. Also, suddenly I feel like maybe he isn't so condescending, maybe I have the attitude problem since I expect him to be this wonderful person now that he's a "husband". Does that even make sense?
It's difficult to say without knowing more details, but it's very possible that your parents don't have a healthy relationship, either, despite sticking it out for more than 30 years. If their ups and downs can be called "war stories" and they make your husband look not so bad by comparison, I'd have a hard time believing that they have genuine love for each other. People stay in relationships all the time for reasons that have nothing to do with love.
Yes. But I feel like that's reversed right now. Like perhaps I have made him seem like he's awful because I had these high hopes of what a husband is. Maybe I put out all these awful stories because I wanted something that's not real - more of the prince to match my princess day. Maybe I drive him crazy with my expectations which makes him treat me like crap since he feels like he can never win anyway.
Well, you're half-right. It IS unrealistic to expect someone who hasn't been a wonderful partner to become one simply because you exchanged rings. But that doesn't mean you have to settle because you made a mistake. It means you move on and, in the future, when someone you're dating shows major character flaws, you get out of the relationship.
Kinda like right after you separated and he spent all your money in the joint account? Like that?
"I checked our joint account yesterday and it's -$90. He charged the balance and some this weekend so it cleared to negative yesterday. He said it's because I told him to stop spending $ on his credit card so often that he chose to use our account for big purchases this weekend, knowing we were separating assets and all. He told me last night the usual song and dance about how much I suck, etc. "
This guy is a douche. Really, don't look back.
Well, from what you've posted in the past, I don't think this is what's going on, but even if it were, it would be an indication that you're not right for each other and you shouldn't be together.
I'm currently moved out. He called me last week that he separated all of our bills, and I called to get my own stuff set up so we have nothing left together other than our home. He mailed in the paperwork to assume liability of our home, we find out in 30 days if he is approved. If so, that's the last step prior to signing divorce papers.
I was ok with this decision up until this weekend when suddenly everyone was saying how hard that first year can be, and they felt like maybe I was rushing this decision. I tried to explain that even though we've only been "married" a year, we've been together 4+ and it we've broken up many times, so this isn't something I just woke up on a Tuesday and decided.