Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: "but the first year of marriage is so hard..."
Unless you have a serious mental health issue requiring prescription medication to treat, you don't need to see a physician. A therapist or counselor with a degree in counseling or psychology is sufficient. You can call your insurance company directly to get a list of approved providers in your area, or just google providers and call and ask if they are in-network.
I'm glad to hear you're taking action!
Excellent!
Keep in mind that the first appointment, or first few appointments, might not appear to be doing much good. The initial sessions are often spent identifying why you're there. So you'll spend a lot of time talking about everything that's wrong, but you won't have the skills to do anything about it yet. It can be easy to get discouraged in the beginning, but you have to stick with it to see any progress.
Also, don't be afraid to check out other therapists if you don't feel that you're clicking well with the first one.
Good luck!
Yes, I lived with my parents until living with my husband. They were the type to sway my decision sort of by guilt, rather than tell me what I can or cannot do. I was the kid that made honor roll but got grounded for not getting more A's while my brother made honor roll once in his lifetime and was rewarded a quad. Yea. Those are old issues that absolutely play a part in my adult life.
I recall this feeling from our couples couseling. I would get so annoyed at first because I didn't understand that she needed to learn the issues before giving us tools to solve them.
I was able to get an appointment with the woman that everyone had given kudos to, so I'm excited to meet her and get this ball rolling. Thankfully, there are a handful of other therapists there under my insurance, just in case we may not click.
I dont think it's fairy-tale bullshit. you deserve that-the underlying love is so important. My H tells me all the time "we can get through anything together, i promise" no matter how much we bicker at each other- he is my best friend, the love of my life and we always have each other's backs-always! We've only been married 2 months- but we lived together a year- and sure a few small things came up (just the norm-not leaving your clothes laying everywhere stuff) but we never had a problem. Even with combining the finances- a few lil disagreements but nothing really. we are each responsible for certain bills- GL dear!
My first marriage lasted 6 months- I was being yelled at, disrespected and all of those things. It wasn't because we got married- it was the relationship and for some reason i thought marriage would fix that. NOPE- I don't know your back story but don't worry about it- you know what's right. If you are in a good relationship- there will be bickering and a few fights but overall it shouldn't be that difficult. GL!
I realize that now, that I thought marriage would "fix" the issues and build a foundation that was never there and that obviously is not true. I'm glad that you were able to find a healthy marriage after all that. Makes me feel better about all of this.
It seems like such a simple concept but I was just too clouded with wedding crap back then. Right now with a more level head and not having everyone pressuring me about the wedding and the next appointment, next deposit, choose this color, etc., I really do clearly see that our relationship doesn't work.
I also called around yesterday for apartments. I realize that living with my parents is not a helpful envirnment for me right now. There's a lot of tension and even last night there was talk of my husband and I trying too hard to mesh our lives instead of letting time do that - so maybe I shouldn't rush this decision. It actually breaks my heart when I hear my parents saying this stuff because now more than ever I need cheerleaders and I don't have it. So, I want my own place and I've heard that they won't even see the mortgage because I'm not purchasing anything. I'm told they check my credit score and need to see a paystub. Also, two places in town allow you to put the first, last and security deposit on a credit card. If this is all true, I can move in tomorrow lol
Your parents think you and your husband are trying too hard, and you should just do nothing and hope your marriage somehow improves? Am I understanding that correctly? If so, then yeah- living with them is not a good idea. Your parents have some very unhealthy dynamics between them and kind of an effed-up view of relationships, so they might not ever understand why you're making this choice. That's why a counselor is so important here.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Something along those lines, yes. My dad said that once the ring went on I was pushing the idea of kids when I should have just relaxed and let it happen. He said that my husband pushed the idea of furthering his credentials and getting the next position on the corporate ladder, when he should have just continued working and allowed things to happen. My dad said that we put a lot of pressure on each other for things that didn't need to be addressed in such an "immediate" "urgent" manner.
I found an apartment today that my very best friend growing up lives across the hall. It's his cousins place (4 units) so the owner is waiving the security deposit since he knows me. I go on Wendesday to check it out, but I know I'm going to say yes. It's cheaper than any other place (and the bonus of no SD), it's on a lake, and my best friend that I grew up with lives across the hall. How easy. The start of blessings sent my way!
It seems that you have come to the "Crap, my parents don't know what they are talking about" moment. Congrats, a lot of us have been there. It is a sobering moment when you realize you have more sense than your parents. Don't listen to them.
Trust me, I have noticed that the harderst year of marriage always changes. Some say it is the first, others the third or fifth, still others will say the seventh ( i.e. the Sevne year itch). If you did have a baby some will say that child's first year is the hardest, yet others will say adding a second child to the mix will be the hardest. It always always changes depending on who you are talking to. At a certain point you have to get off the pot if it isn't working for you.
My husband and I have been married for seven years and we have been through some very very difficult events ( our first child passed away when she was four months old). However, I can't really say that our relationship itself has been difficult. It has been pretty easy for the most part. If I was going to pick on I would say those months after we lost our first child were difficult because I thought I was losing my mind with grief and depression and those first few weeks after we brought our second child home from the hospital were difficult due to sleep deprivation; however nothing was close to divorcable.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, I can't imagine that.
I do think you are right, it does depend on the couple/situation for which year people say is the hardest. And as you made clear, "hardest" might just mean difficult things that have happened around the marriage, not necessarily the behavior of the husband or wife.
The more I sit back and watch the dynamics of my parents, I realize that things aren't what they've always seemed to me. This blows my mind.