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Re: Open Letter to Working Moms
I understnad that this is your concept msmerymac (and I'm not trying to give you a hard time). It's just when I see that kind of money I think gross income, not savings .....and to think anyone can actually save that amount blows my mind.
I have never thought about staying home with my theoretical kid. This was a big contention with H before we got married. One day we were in the car coming back from stay at home SIL's house, he said, "if we have kids, you'll be staying home, right?" I replied "you either better plan on marrying someone else or never having kids. If we have kids - you could stay home."
He has since changed his position but even when I thought I wanted to be a mom by the time I was 25 (geez I was naive), I never thought of staying at home.
I don't judge those who do choose to stay at home either. Why do we judge each other on the smallest things?!?!??!
my read shelf:
Trust me, I understand.
I've always considered that I would work towards the goals of "fully funded retirement" as well as saving for college for my kids, but in raw numbers, it's terrifying. Like, "how would I ever be able to buy a house" terrifying. (Which, I know, many people can't afford to buy houses. Luxury, not a necessity, yada yada.)
I think we're used to seeing financial articles about how you can contribute to retirement, or how to save an extra 500 bucks a month, etc, but unless you talk to a financial planner, it's hard to put it all together. Plus, it's kind of like the advice for eating right - how can you ever abide by ALL of it?
40/112
I just want to say one thing, please don't work so hard to save just the right amount of money that one day you find out you're too old to have kids. That's not my story, but please don't let money rule your life. Please.
Money is important. Kids are important too. But if I don't have my own there are tons of them everywhere that I can spend time with, mentor and enjoy. We probably won't have kids for financial reasons (well health insurance reasons which inherently = financial reasons). Does that make us bad people because money is ruling our lives?
Oh, I know. I'm trying to maintain a middle ground. In response to what Lauren said earlier as well, I know there's never a "perfect time" to have kids, or that we'll be totally set money wise, or that I'll "know" everything before it happens. But we do have a little more work to do before we have kids. Trust me.
I know we won't be READY, but we can and will be more ready. But we are aiming to try when I'm 32/33.
40/112
What is your problem?
Thanks for understanding where I was coming from...from a place of genuine concern knowing my circumstances. You are much younger than I thought, so it looks like you've got time. Best of luck to you.
Uh, I don't have a problem.
I just dislike the notion that people who prioritize savings while their fertility wanes are making the wrong decision. For some people it's the wrong decision, but for others it's the right one. And saying "don't let money rule your life" to someone who makes the opposite decision than you may make is kind of rude.
Actually, you do make a good point. I personally think it would irresponsible for me to have kids at this exact moment because of my finances. What if I came to find that my personal financial situation never allowed me to feel comfortable having kids? What if I had to decide between not having them or living in a snake-infested house? I mean, that won't happen, God willing, but it's a choice I'd have. And someone else in the same, or a worse, financial situation than me could decide that they are perfectly well suited to have children. But that's their choice. And I guess it's only judgeworthy if you choose the snakes. ;-)
Also, I always forget this for some reason when I'm talking about financial security and being a SAHM, but when my mom did stay home, she was completely financially insecure. She had no disposible income. None. She did not get x amount to spend on things she wanted. She had to beg and plead for every dollar she wanted/needed to spend, and hope whatever she wanted was deemed worthy enough for it (often it was fabric or implements to make clothing for my brother and I). We would stay at my family's lake house during the summer and my dad would go back home to work during the week, leaving my mom and 2 kids with NO car and NO money. The argument was always that since we wouldn't be going anywhere, and the grocery shopping had been done for the week, she wouldn't need an extra $20. My parents were financially saavy in some ways (owned a home in their 20s, always bought cars with cash, never carried credit card debt), but those memories scare me to death. And I think I knew that it was because my mom didn't have her own job and had to take care of us that she felt so poor. Which I think might be where my "financial security before kids" paranoia comes from.
40/112
Thank you. I will be 30 this year. My husband will be 38 this year, which might be a concern, but not as much of a concern as my own age would be.
40/112
Honestly, what you described sounds less like a financial security issue and more like a controlling husband issue. It seems that your parents were financially secure; your dad just wouldn't let your mom handle money in any way.
Yes, you do have a problem because this isn't the first time you jump to a conclusion that I am somehow making a value judgment on another regarding money and choices surounding money/work. I was talking to her circumstances, not to everyone else on this board. She had mentioned wanting to have kids so apparently it is important to her. I am hurting right now because I'm too old to have kids. What is SO FU!CKINGs wrong with someone like myself wanting to warn others about letting other things take control of their lives to the point where they may end up not being able to have kids (when apparently that person wants to have kids)? It wasn't meant to be rude...you took it to be rude. Your problem, not mine.
I haven't read everything, but what is with people like this? Someone saying they like what you have/do/etc. does not make it true. Haven't you ever been looking at someone's heinous dress, realized you've been looking too long, and then come out with how much you love it so that it makes sense to them? This could totally be happening. Some working mom sees this lady with her 90 children looking crazy, and says, "Oh how nice! You're home with them!" just to avoid rudeness.
I guarantee that's what's happening more than anything genuine.
I don't think I've ever seen 2V swear before.
But also ditto Bunny. Heck, I told someone I loved their hair today because I was caught in that situation. Her new cut was not working for her.
Ugh ugh ugh.
I SAH. I don't love it but we had our reasons for making the decision. Luckily for me my husband makes a good living and I can send my kids to school/MDO to keep my sanity.
That being said, all the judging just needs to stop. FFS. How can we expect men to respect what we do, and therefore society, when we can't respect each other?
But I think she misses the point that at least a couple of those working moms who say that are probably just being nice.
2V I honestly have no idea what other instances you're talking about and I'm truly sorry you think I'm always attacking you.
I don't care how anyone has a family or what choices lead to that decision. But I also don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong one by waiting/avoiding it altogether you know? Often women who prioritize career success/financial success over having kids are perceived as shallow or selfish. I see it all the time, and it's made me a bit defensive about my choices. I'd rather have that problem than a couple of kids
I honestly didn't read 2V's comments that way. She seemed to be saying that IF you really, really want kids but are waiting until everything is set, you'll want to be careful that you aren't waiting too long or you very well could end up regretting it.
I didn't take it as a commentary on women who kind of want kids or could go either way on having them.
Click me, click me!
I agree, that's what I thought 2V was saying as well. And that's advice I'll be taking. Assuming at least one of us has a job, H and I will be officially TTC in September/October of this year. Because we just can't wait forever!
Seriously. Tires are not just things you have for fun. They are incredibly important. WTF is this lady thinking? I had to replace all of our tires recently because they were getting worn. It totally sucked. Tires are freaking expensive. They are also incredibly necessary if you're planning on, oh, say... DRIVING your car!
Thats what I took 2V saying as well. She wasn't judging people for their choices - but more reminding Msmery that if she knows she want kids, be careful not to wait forever because you may never be 'in the right place' financially, but biologically, you can be too old to have kids.
Yeah, I get that. It was "please don't let money rule your life" that kind of threw me. So what if people put their finances first? Who the F cares you know?
Maybe I misread, but that phrase really rubbed me the wrong way (obviously huh?). I want kids. I just don't want them badly enough to completely jeopardize my family's finances--because that wouldn't be fair to kids either. I guess that means I don't really want kids.
I think there is a difference between putting finances first and letting it run your life.
Heck, I love DD to death (Feel like I must preface this, lol) but she was not planned. If that had not happened, we probably wouldn't TTC for another 5 years, at least, because of finances. I am very much like some in this thread and would want retirement and college semi set first. I think that is commendable. But, IMO, money should never complete run your life, kwim? There is a difference between being financially smart (like it sounds like you are being) and making it number 1. And, actually, I guess, there isn't anything wrong with letting it run your life IF that is what you want....and its not stopping you from EVER reaching other goals...which is what I took 2V's comment to be about.
I am the farthest thing from a baby pusher. I tell everyone I know to wait. I think most people don't think ENOUGH about money, lol, when they decide to TTC. So I totally get what you are saying MX. I tend to be on your side of these things. But I didn't read 2V that way.
Man, I wish I had thought of costco shelving for my kids. Maybe I could've afforded a housekeeper in addition to SAH.
Dude, we all pick luxuries in this life. We have less $$ because I SAH, but we have more freedom in our choices because I SAH.(meaning that we only have to work around 1 schedule, there's always 1 person available for anything kid related, etc., etc.) That's a luxury without the showy BMW emblem. It's not all sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.
Everything is a tradeoff. WhyTF do other moms care what you're giving up? If my WOHM friends responded with a "well, you could if you were working," every time I bitched about wanting a pedicure, maid, vacation, etc, or if I pulled out a sanctimommy speech about sacrifice every time one of my friends bitched about time off for sick kids, or missing Timmy falling and climbing out of a well during lassie training at preschool (or any other lame milestone at school, because most of them are lame), it would be f|_|cking ridiculous. Instead we just sympathize with each other because all Moms have tradeoffs somewhere.
I swear to God, the longer I'm a mom, the less patience I have for the Martyr Mom, regardless of which group she belongs.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Yes, irish. There is a distinction and TBH you could substitute money for a lot of other things and I would have said the same thing (ie. "Don't let xyz run your life, if.....")
Mx. I am sorry my words struck a chord with you. It was NOT my intention at all to judge msmery or anyone else like her. I was honestly just overwhelmed with some emotions at the time and I wrote what I wrote out of sheer concern that she might end up feeling like me some day. Fact of the matter is I never lived my life just to have children, so you never know what you'll feel like when you hit mid-life and wonder where all the time went. I know I think and feel much differently now than I did in my late 20's.
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I'm a SAHM because I love it (most days
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We made some minor adjustments to make it possible for us to save for retirement while doing that (dropped the premium cable channels, still driving our perfectly fine cars from right out of college, I don't get my nails done regularly, I coupon and menu plan, wear clothes I've had for a couple years, have a simple flip phone with out texting or data, etc)
We also have always lived on just DH's income and banked mine before having DD. I have always wanted to be a SAHM so we planned accordingly and bought a house we could afford on DH's salary, kept up our cars so they'd last, etc.
We have a 6 month e fund as well as a good start on retirement saving. We're starting to work on DD's college savings but if it comes to it she can take out SLs.
I would never SAH if it meant my family living in poverty but I have a good friend who complains regularly about not being a SAHM yet is driving a 2009 SUV she bought brand new, living in a far bigger house then they need with 1 kid or even 2, shops regularly for new clothes, has the newest iphone and most expensive plan, etc. So yes in her case I call BS if she REALLY wanted to sah she could make it work it would just require downsizing. Her husband works with my DH so I they'd have roughly the same income we do. I do get annoyed with her occasionally for that reason.
I think each mom needs to make the right choice for her, if it's working that's great if it's SAH and it's not putting your family in poverty do it.