Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: husband/marriage/sex issues.
What if, We both make/made mistakes and with therapy we can work it out? If I got my depression and anxiety under control, and was a better wife (I'm not a submissive idiot like that sounds!), we could be a happy family together. I'd have to get over my disgust and hate.
I don't think I am strong enough to go through a divorce. I don't think being divorced and a single mom is a better alternative.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Um, no. A lack of sex from your spouse does not mean that you abuse her. It just doesn't.
Clearly OP has reached her breaking point as well.
You come across as if you feel OP deserves to be raped because she is not giving it up freely. I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but it's getting hard.
All you are doing is putting flowers on the bonnet of sluts need rapin'
Its called RAPE and if you woke up and had no idea who this person was raping you of course you are going to freak out. And him saying "its okay its me I love you" what did he expect. Did he think you would be like "oh okay.its YOU raping me.. okay finish up DH"
I am disgusted. I feel bad for you. He did an awful thing to you and turns around and calls you names. I am sorry but I would definatly at the VERY LEAST go to counseling together.. but honestly, I don't take any shiit so I would have kicked him out. I don't think I could ever get past that.
I am so sorry...
Agreed that a lack of sex does not constitute a reason for abuse--there is no excuse for abuse or rape. I think OP would do well to leave her H, for many reasons, and to press charges. Usually TIP likes to know relevant background and the whole story when giving advice. I remembered a post from OP from very recently, so I offered up a bit of information from it that I remembered. *shrug*
I understand why you're scared.Therapy would help if you had marital issues that were fixable. But that's just not the case for you.
He is an abuser. That's a character issue with him that no amount of therapy will ever fix.
Well that's pretty much what you said. Cheating and Rape aren't even close to the same level, so why the hell you'd think its acceptable to bring it up in this context? What the eff is wrong with you?
Are you serious???
Seriously? We've got rape apologists and now the OP is saying she deserved it and being raped by her abusive husband is better than being a divorcee single mom. *HEADFUCKINGDESK*
This all reminds me of this analogy:
OP: "Help! HELP! I'm stuck in a well!!!"
Posters 1-4: "Climb! Climb up and take our hands!"
OP: "I'm thinking I should dig... should I dig?"
Poster5: "NO! I was trapped in a well, and digging is a bad idea! Climb out!"
Posters6-8: "Were lowering ropes! Take hold of a rope!"
Poster9: "I've even tied a harness to the end of this one!"
OP: "I can feel the ropes, but I don't want to hold onto them... should I dig?"
Poster10: "No! If you dig, you'll hit water, and then you'll be proper fuuucked. I should know, I almost drowned."
OP: "I dug a little bit just now, and I haven't hit water. I'm gonna keep digging..."
Posters11-18: "No! Climb! Climb out!"
OP: "Guys, I'm seriously stuck in this well! Help! HELP!!!"
Poster19: "I was trapped in a well once. It took me two years, but I managed to build a climbing machine that pulled me to safety out of a well bucket and a pocket watch. I'm dropping the blueprints, extra buckets, and an assortment of pocket watches."
Poster20: "I've engineered a jet-pack that will rocket you to safety. Stay where you are and we'll lower it down!"
OP: "Thanks for your help, guys. I'm gonna keep digging. I'll find the Mines of Moria and I'll just walk to the surface."
**Posters1-20 piss in the well**
Poster21: "Guys, seriously... stop peeing in the well."
I saw her post the other day. I didn't think it was relevant. The two are mutually exclusive. What they have in common is that they are indicative of an unhealthy relationship.
OP- you say you've always had doubts. Listen to your gut.
even if in the past he would wake you and you "let him do his thing" this time you weren't awake. You were raped. Plain and simple. You don't deserve to be raped and whether you cheated on him 1,000x you still don't deserve it.
what you do deserve is to get out of there and fast
Rape is not a mistake. It's a crime.
This is not your fault.
This is not something you'll get over. Ever. Therapy, medication, being a "better wife" (whatever that means) will not fix this. Ever.
You'd be surprised at how strong you can be, and how much happier you'll be, if you leave him. Do you want your child to grow up in a house filled with rage and the debasement of his/her mother? If you truly want a happy family life, then the only thing you can do is file for divorce and a get a restraining order. You are guaranteed nothing but misery if you stay.
ETA: I'm also so sick of this mentality that being married is automatically the best thing in the world. There is nothing wrong with being a divorced single mother. Nothing. In your case, I'd consider it an improvement. I seriously cannot believe that you think that getting raped by your douchebag H is better than being alone. JFC. ::HULK SMASH::
Her cheating has no bearing on him being a fuckingrapist. Do I condone her cheating? No, but that is it in the past and him raping her doesn't make it "even" and isn't even comparable.
This guy is broken. There is absolutely zero excuse for rape- zero. Of course you played a part in the demise of your relationship... all people do when they break up, for better or for worse. But you played absolutely zero part in his unilateral decision to sexually violate you and you should absolutely not feel like you "deserved" this or are at any way at fault.
Are you serious???
Bowie said it better. I'm quoting her. Her post is like 2 up from this one.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Doesn't matter if you haven't had sex in a year. Doesn't matter that you cheated on him. None of that matters. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT.
In this case, being a divorced, single mom is 100% better than being married to a selfish rapist.
I don't want to be this person. Please don't bang your head on your desk. He's on a business trip right now. I wouldn't hug him goodbye and I pushed him out of the house when he left. He wrote me a note and put it on the bed. It says:
I love you.
I loved you the moment I saw you 12 years ago. I loved you the day we were wed. I loved you the day our children were born. I loved you when we lost most everything but despair. I love you when I don't like you. I love you when you don't like me. I love you for good, bad, sad, glad...but mostly...
I love you forever.
This makes me absolutely ill.
Having someone like this in your home is a far worse alternative than being a single parent. They are a horrible role model and they are absolutely dangerous. If he can do this to you (and feel absolutely justified in it) then what can he do to your children when they push him?
You will never be good enough to please an abuser. Nobody will ever be good enough to please an abuser because it is absolutely not about the victim's behavior but about the abuser's need to control.
Your "mistakes" were made because you feel like a worthless piece of shiit and need validation. Whether you went into this relationship with a complete lack of self worth or not, that's where you are now. That image of yourself isn't based on realty. It's based on getting your mind fvvvcked with by your husband (and possibly previous trauma).
You need therapy. There's no such thing as just not being strong enough. You are what you do so do something for yourself. If there's enough of you left to get piissed off over this, then there's enough to start making positive decisions for yourself.
You don't have to be a strong person. You just have to start doing strong things.
Thanks for all your replies, I do appreciate it. I do not have any friends around here or anyone to talk to.
I am a little suprised, I thought by presenting his "side" a little bit, at least some people would tell me that maybe he made a really bad mistake, but it takes 2 to tango, and it's like a lesser rape. Like the "best" kind of cancer to get.
I...just...
OP-- leave your husband. He is a rapist. End of story.
Nothing you could have ever done would make this violation justifiable. NOTHING. EVER. PERIOD. You don't deserve this. You deserve a loving, trustworthy partner that regards sex as a loving, mutually-satisfying act of love. Not a selfish, abusive, rapist-A-hole.
Get out. Go. Don't bother packing more than your toiletries and a couple days worth of clothes. Get some help from a train professional. You need to start your journey of healing. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
No. I don't care what you've done to him. What he did to you is NOT ok. EVER.
This really confuses me, WTF?
Um, no.
My XH used to sexually assault me. It occurred more than once. I didn't deserve it. Once I got my head screwed on straight in therapy, I divorced him.
I'm happy now.
Nope. No one on here (well, except that one lameass excuse for a human being) will ever tell you that being raped was even partially your fault.
There's nothing you can say that will make it seem less like a rape. I don't care if he's the mayor of your town, coaches little league, volunteers for charities and makes you breakfast in bed every day. He raped you. End of story.
Throw out that letter that he left for you. That classic abuser. As soon as the abusee starts showing signs of being strong enough to leave, they start manipulating the person to stay... they'll be better... it'll never happen again... they love you. BULLSCHIT. It's a game. He's done it once and he will do it again.
Call your parents, a sibling, an aunt, a grandparent, anyone. Tell them your husband raped you and they will help you get out.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "LESSER RAPE"!!!!!
Rape is rape is rape. Whether its a stranger in an alley way, a first date, or your husband.
He. Raped. You.
Stop carrying your guilt and issues from cheating into this situation. They are completely separate issues and one did not cause the other.
Somewhere down the line do you want your kids to wake up one night to hear you screaming because your husband got you drunk again and tried to rape you AGAIN? Imagine the trauma that will bring THEM as well as you.
As for that note he left you? Day late and damn dollar short. That does not make it ok for him to rape you and then scream at you for not letting him finish.
You both have MASSIVE issues to work through.
Part of the reason that we're beating the rape drum so hard is that someone worth being married to wouldn't cross that line no matter how hard they were pushed. Him being angry with you afterwards just solidifies my idea that he's just a morally bankrupt human being.