Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: husband/marriage/sex issues.
I apologize for calling the OP stupid. I just think she behaving in a way that is self-defeating and its frustrating to have her keep making excuses for the piece of filth.
You can't rationalize the irrational. Rape is lacking in reason save for control. This woman needs to listen to the words she is reading.
I apologize again, but this is sounding more and more MUD-like with each new bit. I'm sorry she is trying to justify rape, but its messed up.
I actually really really really hope it is MUD. Just in the off chance its not, well, you know.
FWIW I don't think it is MUD. I just think that she already has enough of a sliver of healthy perspective on the situation to grab onto it and start pulling herself up.
And I think that the (I'm gonna bet on pretty baseless) horrible self-image at the root of both the justification of the abuse and the cheating will become startling clear to her pretty quickly once she starts taking steps in the right direction.
So. OP. Start being awesome.
Edited for slightly less obnoxious quotes.
It's not MUD.
Thank you everyone for all the responses, wow. I'm shocked. I cried the entire day yesterday and thought I was losing my mind. Now he's gone and it's like I can breathe deeper. Add all these people- strangers- saying all these things to me- is cool. Thanks.
I have to go- but will be back later.
Yes. Any time someone forces himself on you sexually without your consent, this can be sexual assault or rape. Even if you?re married to or in a relationship with the person who is assaulting or raping you, it is real rape and real assault.* Relationship rape is not uncommon: at least 7.7% or women will be sexually assaulted by an intimate partner (including husband) in their lifetime.** Sexual abuse is a common form of domestic violence and one that many women are often ashamed or embarrassed to talk about. Please know that you have the right to say ?no,? even to your husband, and you have the right to expect that he listen to you. If your spouse or dating partner is making sexual contact that you do not want and have not agreed to, he is sexually assaulting you. If he is forcing you to have sexual intercourse, he is raping you.
Leave.
After you do that, see a therapist.
You have a long life ahead of you and a happy relationship in your future. You deserve better. He is a pig.
ETA: Fixed mine, that helps a bit.
Thank you!
lol thanks. I get it, it's an upsetting topic.
This. No one deserves to be raped. Get out.
This. No one deserves to be raped. Get out.
You can do this. You just have to make one step at a time, not all of them at once. Please, at the bare minimum, make yourself an appointment with a therapist. It will honestly be one of the best things you can do for yourself. That's where you'll develop your strength. It's gonna be emotional and it's gonna be hard at times, but it's so worth it.
And, if you're feeling weak or overwhelmed or blah or whatever, then come here. We may be Internet strangers, but we give good Internet hugs and provide tough love when needed. These broads helped me through a very similar process.
You can do this. You're worth more. This is not your fault.
He raped you. That's never OK. Ever. In any circumstance. Full stop.
Leave him. Now. And then go to therapy for yourself, since you've indicated you're not happy generally.
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Nothing, and I mean nothing you did made you deserve this. There is no such thing as a "lesser" rape. He is a scumbag, and you deserve better. Yes you made a mistake but this, is criminal, abusive and not something that ever should have happened. I'll bet you anything if he did it one he'll do it again.
You need to repeat this phrase over and over until it sinks in "it's not my fault".
I think you ought to very quietly file for divorce and GTFO of that sham of a marriage.
DO NOT tell him you are filing.
Straighten out your assets and your money and everything else that needs to be in place --- see an attorney for things like a jointly held home/property --- and when you're set and ready to go financially/asset-ly, FILE.
And just GO.
Leave the house when he is not home.
What's happening here is just plain sick. And so is he.
And even if he didn't assault you -- wow, it also sounds like he may have drugged you somehow --- this bullshit with "blow me this me and that me" isn't LOVE.
Get out now and while you still have your sanity.
Wishing you luck.
Actually, I almost think this makes it worse.
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Rape is rape, and your husband, the man you should be able to trust implicitly, raped you. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, you could have done, said, worn, hinted at, makes it excusable. I don't know your story because I'm not a reg on this board, and I don't care. He.Raped.You. You could've given every man in his family a blow job and then banged the next door neighbor and it still wouldn't have a damn thing to do with the fact that Your Husband Raped You.
Your posts throughout this thread make it clear that your self-worth is in the toilet, which is understandable for someone who's married to a man who is clearly an abusive manipulator. I don't know that pleading with you to value yourself enough to walk away is going to get anywhere. But you have children, yes? You are their mother. Their first line of defense against the cruelties of the world, and in this case, their own father is one of those cruelties. It is up to YOU to remove them from an unhealthy, unsafe environment. If you can't love yourself enough to get out, love THEM enough to get the feck out of there.
An abusive and manipulative father is NOT better than an absent father. He is not the example you want for them. You don't want your children growing up to think that treating others the way that he does is acceptable, nor do you want them to learn that being treated that way is acceptable. Give them a better future. Teach them that they're worth more than that by being their very first example.
Get your affairs in order, call your lawyer, call the police, and get out. You say you're worried about your family finding out, and if your family truly can't support you, a victim of sexual violence, then shame on them. Find support centers in your area. They exist. They're there to help.
Do not excuse his behavior. Do not buy into his manipulations. Do not rationalize any of this. Focus and get.the.feck.out.
Best of luck to you.
Just wanted to throw in some more support- rape is rape. Get out. Having a single mother is one million times better than living with both parents and knowing your father is abusing your mother.
I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I don't care how much of a part you had in creating the other problems in your marriage. I'm sure you did have a part in that; that's always how it is. No doubt, you could learn to be a better wife. So what? That doesn't matter anymore. What matters is this: your marriage isn't worth saving because your husband is a rapist. That's not your fault and it's not something you can fix. If he was a decent human being, let alone someone worth being married to, he wouldn't have raped you no matter what.
If you feel like you have personal problems that you need to work on in therapy, then by all means do so. However, the first thing you need for even just a half-way decent marriage is a spouse who you can trust not to kick you when you are down. Your current husband will never be that man. In fact, I'd venture to guess that being married to the kind of man would rape you while you were down has contributed greatly to what you perceive as "personal" problems.
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About 60 replies ago, i told the OP to GTFO -- file and just leave. And do not tell the %(%*$# that she is filing OR leaving.
I am wondering if he drugged her as well. Something else is in the mix here. This isn't love -- this is sick.
Repeating what I said.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that because the OP cheated, she somehow deserves her husband's behavior towards her.
And by behavior, I mean rape.
I have been "straightening out" our very complicated assets/liabilities for a while now. I have gone from a position of not knowing or being involved in anything (and when we fight- guess who threatens stuff like, "you'll never see your kids again" etc etc).
To- everything is in my name at least 50%- house, car, bank accounts. He hasn't threatened the "you'll never see your kids again" BS in a long time, after I berated back how ridiculous that was and I wasn't an idiot. That was one of the few times that I really let him have it. I guess usually I ignore, but then I explode every now and again. I'm starting to explode more.