Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: husband/marriage/sex issues.
When my husband reaches his breaking point, he goes out with his friends for a guy's night or takes a walk. He doesn't rape me. So...there's that.
OP: Get out. Now. Please.
Wow, that's a really nice note. I have to say, DH has never written a note that sweet for me. But here's the thing - DH doesn't rape me either. Your husband is a manipulative tool. You are smarter than this. Unless a pretty note is worth getting raped. That's your call. By letting yourself fall for this note, that's essentially what you're saying. You'll allow yourself to be sexually abused in exchange for a nice note.
Remember, it took him less than 5 minutes, a piece of paper and a pen to write that note. That's it. There was no sacrifice of any kind on his part. He could have a stash of pretty notes and just dole them out to you every time he abuses you. And read the note again... He never admits that what he did was wrong. Love is an action, not a word.
Ovulation Tracker
Also, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He vehemently disagrees that he did anything wrong. He absolutely feels he is the victim here.
All of this.
Plus I just threw up in my mouth.
It sounds like this has been a long process for you and I am glad that you have been finding your strength. Good for you for recognizing that his threats are empty and for fighting back. Recognize that all these explosions are not healthy for you or your kids. Change your environment. Get out. You can do this.
I know guys like this. I'm related to guys like this (shudder). Everyone always talks about how amazing the "passion for life" that these guy have is. Their wives worship them. And the thing is, there are women who are happy to be the docile, obedient wife/sex toy. It's not my cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with it if it makes them happy. The problem is that you have made it clear that you aren't happy in that type of relationship, and instead of accepting and trying to adjust, your husband sexually abused you. He doesn't love you. He wants to control you. He is systematically breaking you, as if you are an animal to be tamed. You seem like a very smart, capable woman. Do not let him sway you. Every time he claims to be the victim, remind yourself that by telling you that, he is insulting your intelligence. He is literally adding insult to injury. Get mad.
Also, I read earlier that you have children. Don't let your son(s) grow up learning that his is how a man acts. Don't let your daughter(s) grow up thinking this is how they deserve to be treated.
You are a person who is deserving of love and respect. Love yourself enough to leave.
Ovulation Tracker
It doesn't surprise me at all that he wrote you that note, and the fact that you have drawers full of notes just like it establishes this as a pattern.
Typical abusive behavior. As soon as he sees you getting the strength to leave, he pulls these stunts to make you question reality and hope that you're somehow wrong about him and that things will get better. But they won't. You know from many years of his bullsh!t that it never does get better.
Leave. You can do it.
OMG yes! That's it! If I just stick around, thinks will get better. That's what I think. We can be this awesome and happy family together, I know it. If I change my behavor, he'll change his, and then everything will be okay. I'm just having trouble changing my behavior. Because I'm effing miserable.
I know this sounds irrational. Thanks for listening/talking, you don't know how much I appreciate it.
I would be curious to know if his behavior has ever really changed...I'm going to bet no. At least not for any appreciable length of time. And it never will. Repeat this to yourself if you need to.
You are stronger than you think. Also repeat that to yourself. Often. Then do what you know you need to.
Been reading and lurking on this post a bit.
I want to speak to the guilt you seem to be going through. That you contributed to the marital problems, you didn't want sex for some time, you could have been a better wife, etc. etc.
I am about the number 1 worst wife on the planet. I spent the majority of my current marriage as an alcoholic. I did not (nor do I currently) have any active interest in sex with my husband. About a year ago, I had an affair. My husband and I are now discovering we disagree on children.
My husband and I have massive problems we are working through. I've expressed many times over (to myself, this board, and my therapist) that we may be headed for divorce. Who knows. I'm struggling with that, as is my husband.
Despite our problems, despite the crappy person I was and still am, despite the fact that my husband is often angry and frustrated..... He never raped me, abused me, or manipulated me.
That is wrong. It sounds like a pattern with him. His note is disgusting.
I know its hard to change. My current struggle with divorce is killing me. Sometimes I feel like I should just be kicked to the curb. But find the strenght to do it for yourself.
His actions are controlling and abusive.
Dear God, I could have written this post a year ago. Sans the children.
I'm a 25-year-old divorc?e. Two years into our marriage, my husband sexually assaulted me. He was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive, and unsurprisingly, I had no desire to have sex with him. Like your H, he became obsessed with it, felt it was his 'right' as a husband. And since I wasn't providing him access to that 'right,' then I was a 'b*tch/c*nt/horrible person/whatever-his-choice-insult-of-the-day-happened-to-be' (sound familiar?).
I stayed a year after my assault because I didn't realize that it was rape. Even though I scrubbed my skin til it was raw afterward, and even if I could barely stand the idea of him touching me for the next year until I left him.
Like your H, he was intense. For the time we were separated, he tried everything in the book to get me back. He thought I was 'his,' and my leaving came as a shock to the control he thought he had over me. When that didn't work, he tried threats (and some really freaking kooky ones too...like that I'd have to pay him back for the honeymoon). They did not work. To this day, he considers himself to be the victim. The sick thing is is that this man is a minister.
I struggled with the idea of filing. Partially because I didn't feel safe, and partially because it went against everything I thought my marriage vows to be: permanent, inviolable, set in stone.
Here's the problem with that: wives aren't called to stay in marriages that are broken. I wasn't, and damnit, neither are you. This man raped you. He RAPED you. For your own safety and sanity, let alone for that of your children, you need to end this charade.
Just to get the record straight: While having an affair isn't acceptable, your H broke the marriage vows the minute he started abusing you.
It will be hard as hell. But at the end of all that pain is freedom. You never, ever, have to be abused again. Your children never have to be subjected to watching their mother treated that way.
Please, leave, Get help. Use us if you have to, but just know that you deserve so much more than this bullschit that this man has given you.
Good luck.