Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Husband stays angry for days what can I do
I'm not searching for attention, I'm searching for another suggestion other than divorce that mf already. We've only been married 3 months.
Tarpon you are a bit rude.
Cutting your losses after 3 months is a MUCH BETTER choice than cutting them after 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and a few kids in too.
Your DH is immature. ANd I agree- he lacks character. This isn't going to change. It simply won't.
I don't know why you ignored how he was, I don't know why you chose to marry him. But it WAS a choice and you STILL have a choice on where you want your life to go.
Well, jolly good show, then and just aces. You're in this for the long run -- for better for worse and all that other kind of thing?
Hm?
You need to have a CTJ talk with him and you need to lay out the facts- his behavior is unacceptable and you demand that he go to counseling with you to work on this.
And then see what he says & does. If he gets mad at you and doesn't talk to you for days and basically refuses to listen or get help, then you will know w/o question that he will NEVER get better. Ever. He can't change unless HE wants to.
However, if he actually agrees and does go to counseling - great. Work with him. See what happens. But - tread carefully. You need to give this time to see if his efforts to change are real or not. And this is where your timeline comes into play even more. Don't go to counseling, see little or no improvement from him, then keep going to counseling thinking "oh but.... he'll eventually change".
Because before you know it, 20 years will pass and you'll be in a miserable marriage.
When he feels like it, that is.
No, all of us have been honest with our advice.
And you don't like it because nobody sugar coated it and said something like "Give it time. I am sure that this is just a thing where you both have to adjust. He probably doesn't mean what he says to you. All of this will work out."
Let me ask you something:
Why did you marry him, anyway, when you did?
I am simply curious why you chose him.
Not all of us who frequent this board are married. Some of us are divorced and I am sure there is a single/never married person or two in the bunch.
What you see in a mate is what you get.
And take it from somebody who is divorced: you cannot change a person. If the problem existed before you were married, it exists after you are married as well and yes, it really does become permanent. You have zero chance of walking away from him and the relationship: there is a legal bond and believe me that a divorce is much more painful in ever area than calling it quits with somebody who has an inherent and blatant fault.
And he is what he is right now....there is somebody over on the Sex and Romance board, asking about her fiancé who simply is not into sex anymore. She is wondering what she can do to get him back into the mood.:(
Her problem is very similar to yours, reason being that he too is what he is right now and no amount of sexiness or jumping his bones is going to turn him into a raving sex maniac who gives her what she wants when she wants it.
You cannot fix what is broken. There is nothing that is going to turn your husband into a wonderful, congenial mature guy who knows how to handle anger and conflicts.
You will spend months trying to get him to change. Honey, it is not going to work. He is who he is right now.
How long are you planning on giving it, to see if he comes around?
Days? Months? Maybe a few years???
What a lot of wasted energy and wasted time and wasted efforts...and that amount of time will eat away at you. Whatever you have left of your self confidence and self esteem is going to go right down the drain. You'll be an emotional nothing when all is said and done and you've pumped all that time into something that never had a damn snowball's chance in hell.
The choice is yours....and don't pull that 8 year old bullshit on us: "Well, I really will leave, then..." Sheesh....
Otherwise, yah, you're really in luck!
You know your H is an abusive POS. If you choose to stay with him now, it's YOUR CHOICE and your own doing. So again, have fun with that. People don't change.
Where and when?
And yah, we can only hope, indeed, that you will not be back to check on this board.
I predict many happy hours ahead for you, fighting a wall of silence and you wondering what you can do to get him to come around....and I predict that someday somewhere you are going to finally say to yourself, "You know, I should have listened that time. Those people were right, what they said about my husband."
Mark my words, it will happen. Maybe when you are in your 70s and you are retirement age -- but it will happen.