He finally text me and apologized to me saying " i am so so sorry for everything"
I began to try to discuss with him how its horrible to give someone the silent treatment and how it is bad for the marriage and can he agree on that and can we find another way to work thorugh his anger
He got all sarcastic suddently saying YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH like that... .I told him to fucking stop it, we began talking agian
he then FLIPS IT on me as usual with his childish response .. i said.." you really hurt me when you ignore me" and his childish respoinse " YOU DID IT IT TOO! YOU DO BAD THINGS ALSO!" like hes fucking 10!
I told him omg are u kidding me really were trying to move past this and thats waht u say?
I began to tell him again how hurt he makes me feel and he says, " YOU ARE SO SELFISH! ALWAYS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. ENOUGH, TARA."
At that point i was ready to throw my phone at the fking wall.
I said, aftger that.......you are unbelieveable. Do not talk to me until you can have a RATIONAL conversation.
Of course i suspect that wont ever happen.
THis is really draining, its now been 7 days.
I get what you are all saying believe me I do. But I am married to him. NO i do not deserve this but deep inside i feel there is a way it can be fixed? =(
------------------
I came to the conclusion that this is Lincoln Junior High and you and he are a couple of new little 7th graders.
The 2 of you are acting like you are 12 years of age.
You want to be a martyr -- that is it; be a martyr --- if you were serious about not wanting any part and parcel of this bullshit he is laying on you you'd have been out of there the second he started this.
The choice is yours. We gave you advice and you are not taking it. With ever post you are coming up with another "OMG listen to wot he said today....goin cray cray becuz he is really buggin... dude needs to take a chill pill like really!"
Make up your mind. If you have any semblance of intelligence, you will kick his ass to the curb and annul this "marriage."
Wise up and get the eff out. Or stay and whine for3ver about how he treats you and how comfuzzzled you are.
I can't believe this. After all that we have said and how we have poured our hearts out to you, this is still your response. Tarpon is right. You don't want advice and help, you just want attention and for people to feel sorry for you. I have a feeling the internet is your last resort because your friends and family have grown tired of hearing you talk about him and ignoring their advice and you have probably been trying to " fix " him since the beginning.
I don't know what else to say besides you have my sympathy.
Disneygeek.... none of my friends or family have any idea about what's Going on. And id never tell them anyhow. I dont air my dirty laundry to fam or friends. But thanks for the rude assumption.
I'm not searching for attention, I'm searching for another suggestion other than divorce that mf already. We've only been married 3 months.
Dear God, woman. I pour out my heart to you about losing my daughter and this is your response ? Did you not listen to one word. Your husband lacks character. This is not the kind of person you build a future with. You are in for a lifetime of misery here. Do you understand that ? A lifetime of misery with this man. Three months is nothing compared to a lifetime. Counseling will not fix this. Counselors are not miracle workers who can magically insert character serum into a person. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY.
Why on earth do you think we give a shit about every single little comment or response he makes. Do you not understand that makes you appear like a preteen ? What is wrong with you ? This is not the behavior of a normal 34 year old woman.
Stay married to him...he is going to change, you are going to live a long happy married life. You will bring 3 children inot this immature relationship AND they will grow up to think that your r5elationship is the norm and continue the pattern.
Either grow the F up or stay married to this idiot. Your choice, which you have seemed to have already made.
Again you are 30 maybe you were desperate to get married, maybe you decided this was the best you could do, or maybe you love the drama. Either way you dont want help you want us to blow smke up your ass and tell you all will be ok.
You might as well leave now,,,becAUSE that will never happen,
You married a jackass, you are acting like a naive 12 year old.
3 months in. Huh. I have NO DOUBT that you saw this behavior before you got married. So... what did you expect to happen? Are you one of those people who thinks "Oh, once we get married, it will all be better"? Are you one of those people who thinks a wedding ring is magical?
Cutting your losses after 3 months is a MUCH BETTER choice than cutting them after 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and a few kids in too.
Your DH is immature. ANd I agree- he lacks character. This isn't going to change. It simply won't.
I don't know why you ignored how he was, I don't know why you chose to marry him. But it WAS a choice and you STILL have a choice on where you want your life to go.
VOR no I am not the person who thinks wedding rings are magic or any of that crap, but what I did think was he would quit this shitty behavior, after he acted like this when I was over there with him abroad, after his family tried to like intervene on him saying he is being an idiot, and he had better patch things up with me and not screw this up.
And yes you are right he is immature, 3 months is better than years yes I agree with that as well, other than this his character is actually quite good , he is a good provider and all of that jazz ( yes i know this is typical of these types) but im not making excuses for him this part of his character certainly is lacking and fkd up I am not arguing w/ that fact.
Yes I have the choice on how I want my life to go youre right - I am just confused as to what to do at this point in this moment with him-
VOR no I am not the person who thinks wedding rings are magic or any of that crap, but what I did think was he would quit this shitty behavior, after he acted like this when I was over there with him abroad, after his family tried to like intervene on him saying he is being an idiot, and he had better patch things up with me and not screw this up.
And yes you are right he is immature, 3 months is better than years yes I agree with that as well, other than this his character is actually quite good , he is a good provider and all of that jazz ( yes i know this is typical of these types) but im not making excuses for him this part of his character certainly is lacking and fkd up I am not arguing w/ that fact.
Yes I have the choice on how I want my life to go youre right - I am just confused as to what to do at this point in this moment with him-
and its not send the papers to him.
It's "not send the papers to him" as in not serve him with annulment papers?
Well, jolly good show, then and just aces. You're in this for the long run -- for better for worse and all that other kind of thing?
If you're not ready to leave him, fine. But give yourself a timeframe. Don't stick with this for years and years hoping that this "one next time will be the last".
You need to have a CTJ talk with him and you need to lay out the facts- his behavior is unacceptable and you demand that he go to counseling with you to work on this.
And then see what he says & does. If he gets mad at you and doesn't talk to you for days and basically refuses to listen or get help, then you will know w/o question that he will NEVER get better. Ever. He can't change unless HE wants to.
However, if he actually agrees and does go to counseling - great. Work with him. See what happens. But - tread carefully. You need to give this time to see if his efforts to change are real or not. And this is where your timeline comes into play even more. Don't go to counseling, see little or no improvement from him, then keep going to counseling thinking "oh but.... he'll eventually change".
Because before you know it, 20 years will pass and you'll be in a miserable marriage.
I am never one on here to cry "divorce" at the first sign of an issue in a marriage.
That said, I hadn't given any advice to this the past few days because I don't think there is anything that can be said to fix this problem. It doesn't sound like a marriage relationship but more like 14 year olds who actually do get mad at each other over instagram likes. I'm certainly not an expert since I'm just going on my second year of marriage, but even in dating relationships I cannot fathom this circumstance of adults in a relationship not talking to each other for several days in a fight.
I don't think there are any magic words to fix this behavior. How do you guys normally communicate with your long distance relationship? Did you used to have daily skype visits and frequent texts/calls? I guess all I can suggest is that you write him an email explaining that you want to resolve this fight and work to improve your relationship together. Ask him to join you on a skype call to talk in normal voices about the situation.
I guess I'd probably add a bit at the end of the email saying, "the truth is that sometimes I scroll through instagram when I'm bored and I like people's pictures when I think they're cool or funny. but i've never broken our marriage vows and I've certainly never cheated on you. even if I thought someone in a picture was attractive, that would not constitute cheating. I feel hurt by your accusations and the way you've ignored me the last couple weeks. We need to resolve this issue and start working on our marriage."
If he just keeps calling you a liar, ignoring your texts, refusing to communicate with you, and hacking into your social media and email accounts, I just don't see what can be done to make him all of a sudden act reasonably. Especially since he won't engage in communication and he actually can avoid you being long-distance.
I am never one on here to cry "divorce" at the first sign of an issue in a marriage.
That said, I hadn't given any advice to this the past few days because I don't think there is anything that can be said to fix this problem. It doesn't sound like a marriage relationship but more like 14 year olds who actually do get mad at each other over instagram likes. I'm certainly not an expert since I'm just going on my second year of marriage, but even in dating relationships I cannot fathom this circumstance of adults in a relationship not talking to each other for several days in a fight.
I don't think there are any magic words to fix this behavior. How do you guys normally communicate with your long distance relationship? Did you used to have daily skype visits and frequent texts/calls? I guess all I can suggest is that you write him an email explaining that you want to resolve this fight and work to improve your relationship together. Ask him to join you on a skype call to talk in normal voices about the situation.
I guess I'd probably add a bit at the end of the email saying, "the truth is that sometimes I scroll through instagram when I'm bored and I like people's pictures when I think they're cool or funny. but i've never broken our marriage vows and I've certainly never cheated on you. even if I thought someone in a picture was attractive, that would not constitute cheating. I feel hurt by your accusations and the way you've ignored me the last couple weeks. We need to resolve this issue and start working on our marriage."
If he just keeps calling you a liar, ignoring your texts, refusing to communicate with you, and hacking into your social media and email accounts, I just don't see what can be done to make him all of a sudden act reasonably. Especially since he won't engage in communication and he actually can avoid you being long-distance.
@simplyelise I have said that to him... a few times now... his reaction is the same . He did say "im sorry" very insincerely once like I had said, and since I didnt accept his bs apology he just kept at it. I cant skype him, he is totally unreasonable even until now, 14 days later, I tried talking to him Once (only time he answered in 2wks) and he was just rude and disrespectful still.
I know im not gonna get any kind of proper apology out of him and all I can do is just ignore him until he can talk normal again. And there isnt going to be any way I can have a "talk" with him about this stuff until he is WAY over it and I mean like a month or 2 from now. I definitely do not want this beast to resurface....
Whenever he decides to stop being an immature douchebag Im just going to be neutral with him and see what happens. Nothing else I can do now and cant talk to him about it any time soon... once that discussion finally happens I guess I will have a better outlook on where this is headed. I love him and besides him having this problem with his jealousy and anger he really is a great guy and good provider and best friend ... Cultural differences also play a Huge part in this, im sure... and im not making excuses for him, it is just a fact. He is my husband and I am not going to talk ALLLL the trash about him. Then Id just be as bad as he is
So you know you can't communicate with him, and you're just waiting for things to blow over.
You do realize that you will disagree about more things in the future, right? That's normal for a relationship. Even the happiest, most perfect couples don't agree on everything. So next time you argue about something, and he does the same thing, you're going to go through this again. And again. And again.
I hope you really are enjoying this situation, because I guarantee you that it will repeat itself many times if you don't take serious actions to change things.
PS - Just because you love someone, and he's your best friend, and you have an amazing time together (sometimes) does not mean that you're cut out to be married. My husband and I stayed together for eight years before we realized that we could choose to be friends instead of unhappy spouses. http://markmanson.net/love
PPS - Do not, whatever you do, sign an Affidavit of Support to sponsor his immigration paperwork. You know he's a loose cannon, and if he was to act out and cheat on you or even leave you, you would still be on the hook for his financial support. (True story. I have a friend whose husband abused her, cheated on her, and then left her, and after all that she was still responsible for his financial support.)
@simplyelise I have said that to him... a few times now... his reaction is the same . He did say "im sorry" very insincerely once like I had said, and since I didnt accept his bs apology he just kept at it. I cant skype him, he is totally unreasonable even until now, 14 days later, I tried talking to him Once (only time he answered in 2wks) and he was just rude and disrespectful still.
I know im not gonna get any kind of proper apology out of him and all I can do is just ignore him until he can talk normal again. And there isnt going to be any way I can have a "talk" with him about this stuff until he is WAY over it and I mean like a month or 2 from now. I definitely do not want this beast to resurface....
Whenever he decides to stop being an immature douchebag Im just going to be neutral with him and see what happens. Nothing else I can do now and cant talk to him about it any time soon... once that discussion finally happens I guess I will have a better outlook on where this is headed. I love him and besides him having this problem with his jealousy and anger he really is a great guy and good provider and best friend ... Cultural differences also play a Huge part in this, im sure... and im not making excuses for him, it is just a fact. He is my husband and I am not going to talk ALLLL the trash about him. Then Id just be as bad as he is
@simplyelise I have said that to him... a few times now... his reaction is the same . He did say "im sorry" very insincerely once like I had said, and since I didnt accept his bs apology he just kept at it. I cant skype him, he is totally unreasonable even until now, 14 days later, I tried talking to him Once (only time he answered in 2wks) and he was just rude and disrespectful still.
I know im not gonna get any kind of proper apology out of him and all I can do is just ignore him until he can talk normal again. And there isnt going to be any way I can have a "talk" with him about this stuff until he is WAY over it and I mean like a month or 2 from now. I definitely do not want this beast to resurface....
Whenever he decides to stop being an immature douchebag Im just going to be neutral with him and see what happens. Nothing else I can do now and cant talk to him about it any time soon... once that discussion finally happens I guess I will have a better outlook on where this is headed. I love him and besides him having this problem with his jealousy and anger he really is a great guy and good provider and best friend ... Cultural differences also play a Huge part in this, im sure... and im not making excuses for him, it is just a fact. He is my husband and I am not going to talk ALLLL the trash about him. Then Id just be as bad as he is
Yeah, this isn't a marriage. Married people don't go two weeks without talking to each other. You just cannot have anything close to a happy marriage if one spouse refuses to engage in dialogue after a fight for 2 weeks. That's just bonkers. If I were dating someone as an adult and we had a huge fight and he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks, I'd assume the relationship was over.
Yeah, this isn't a marriage. Married people don't go two weeks without talking to each other. You just cannot have anything close to a happy marriage if one spouse refuses to engage in dialogue after a fight for 2 weeks. That's just bonkers. If I were dating someone as an adult and we had a huge fight and he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks, I'd assume the relationship was over.
This. This isn't a marriage, it just isn't. He's immature and unable to handle problems like an adult.
You guys are pretty rude to somebody who is here for advice
I dont see how I am "immature" for not running to the divorce lawyer as fast as I can
But then again maybe we have different values on what marriage is. I am willing to give it a shot and see if it can get better
And if it doesnt ... THEN I will leave.
Thanks for all the Rude replies
Pretty rude?
No, all of us have been honest with our advice.
And "different values for marriage"? Honey, both of you are supposed to have the same values!!! Can't you see what bad news this entire thing is, based on that comment alone?
And you don't like it because nobody sugar coated it and said something like "Give it time. I am sure that this is just a thing where you both have to adjust. He probably doesn't mean what he says to you. All of this will work out."
Let me ask you something:
Why did you marry him, anyway, when you did?
I am simply curious why you chose him.
Not all of us who frequent this board are married. Some of us are divorced and I am sure there is a single/never married person or two in the bunch.
What you see in a mate is what you get.
And take it from somebody who is divorced: you cannot change a person. If the problem existed before you were married, it exists after you are married as well and yes, it really does become permanent. You have zero chance of walking away from him and the relationship: there is a legal bond and believe me that a divorce is much more painful in ever area than calling it quits with somebody who has an inherent and blatant fault.
And he is what he is right now....there is somebody over on the Sex and Romance board, asking about her fiancé who simply is not into sex anymore. She is wondering what she can do to get him back into the mood.:(
Her problem is very similar to yours, reason being that he too is what he is right now and no amount of sexiness or jumping his bones is going to turn him into a raving sex maniac who gives her what she wants when she wants it.
You cannot fix what is broken. There is nothing that is going to turn your husband into a wonderful, congenial mature guy who knows how to handle anger and conflicts.
You will spend months trying to get him to change. Honey, it is not going to work. He is who he is right now.
How long are you planning on giving it, to see if he comes around?
Days? Months? Maybe a few years???
What a lot of wasted energy and wasted time and wasted efforts...and that amount of time will eat away at you. Whatever you have left of your self confidence and self esteem is going to go right down the drain. You'll be an emotional nothing when all is said and done and you've pumped all that time into something that never had a damn snowball's chance in hell.
The choice is yours....and don't pull that 8 year old bullshit on us: "Well, I really will leave, then..." Sheesh....
Boil some potatoes while wearing green clothes on a night with a half-full moon and Kanye West is on the radio. He'll immediately call and apologize! It's been proven by science!
I was not referring to my HUSBAND having different values of marriage
I was referring to all the rude replies on here - YOU ALL have different values on marriage apparently than what I have and if you read back you will see the name calling from other people on this board which is just as bad as what my husband did so how are any of the people who did that any better than him and fit to give advice? Come ON.
Anyways I will no longer be checking this board have a great day, people.
Boil some potatoes while wearing green clothes on a night with a half-full moon and Kanye West is on the radio. He'll immediately call and apologize! It's been proven by science!
This does not work unless the moon is in Libra and a harmonic convergence is not occurring during a Mercury retrograde.
@simplyelise I have said that to him... a few times now... his reaction is the same . He did say "im sorry" very insincerely once like I had said, and since I didnt accept his bs apology he just kept at it. I cant skype him, he is totally unreasonable even until now, 14 days later, I tried talking to him
Yeah.
And in the future, that 14 days will turn into 14 months.
I am willing to place money on it, in fact.
What kind of a sensible man acts ike this?
I came to the conclusion that the OP doesn't care this thing she is married to is the lowest thing on the food chain.
Once (only time he answered in 2wks) and he was just rude and disrespectful still.
And I am guessing you like it.
Beause you are still with I'm.
I know im not gonna get any kind of proper apology out of him and all I can do is just ignore him until he can talk normal again.
Be prepared to wait until the 2030 Olympics.
And there isnt going to be any way I can have a "talk" with him about this stuff until he is WAY over it and I meanlike a month or 2 from now. I definitely do not want this beast to resurface....
So this means "I wanna walk on eggs around him for the rest of my life."
Whenever he decides to stop being an immature douchebag Im just going to be neutral with him and see what happens.
Be prepared to wait forever.
Nothing else I can do now and cant talk to him about it any time soon... once that discussion finally happens I guess I will have a better outlook on where this is headed.
Look down the drain. That's where it has gone.
I love him and besides him having this problem with his jealousy and anger he really is a great guy and good provider and best friend ...
Then, you are not picky about your friends, let alone your men. What a silly dumb girl you are. Again, this is like Junior High all over again. You do not act like you are in your 30s.
Cultural differences also play a Huge part in this, im sure... and im not making excuses for him, it is just a fact. He is my husband and I am not going to talk ALLLL the trash about him. Then Id just be as bad as he is
Fuck culture.
What transcends that is how you treat others. Doesn't matter where it is you are from: you respect others like you want yourself to be respected!!!
He treats others like shit ahd he treats the OP the same way.
OP:Wow, what part of this failed "marriage" don't you GET???
My values regarding my marriage consisted of marrying a man who was compatible with me, will talk to me, will work with me to resolve our differences, and who is kind, loyal and honest... allowing me to keep my promise to stick with him for life.
My values do not include marrying an abusive POS and then allowing him to abuse me while I play victim for years. Had I made a dire mistake about the man I married, and ended up with just such an abusive POS, I'd have kicked him to the curb. Because my values include being treated like an adult and an equal, and if HE did not live up to the vows HE made, it would be a breach of our contract of marriage, and I'd have every right to dump his ass.
You know your H is an abusive POS. If you choose to stay with him now, it's YOUR CHOICE and your own doing. So again, have fun with that. People don't change.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
I was not referring to my HUSBAND having different values of marriage
I was referring to all the rude replies on here - YOU ALL have different values on marriage apparently than what I have and if you read back you will see the name calling from other people on this board which is just as bad as what my husband did so how are any of the people who did that any better than him and fit to give advice? Come ON.
Anyways I will no longer be checking this board have a great day, people.
...and if you read back you will see the name calling from other people on this board which is just as bad as what my husband did so how are any of the people who did that any better than him and fit to give advice? Come ON.
Anyways I will no longer be checking this board have a great day, people.
We can only hope
"Name calling?"
Where and when?
Sorry, dandelion, but you are mistaken. No names were called here and ...nope, nobody here is as bad as that disgusting lout that you married.
What you got was blunt and honest advice. If this was happening to your best friend or a sister or some body else you loved, what would you say to that person?
And yah, we can only hope, indeed, that you will not be back to check on this board.
I predict many happy hours ahead for you, fighting a wall of silence and you wondering what you can do to get him to come around....and I predict that someday somewhere you are going to finally say to yourself, "You know, I should have listened that time. Those people were right, what they said about my husband."
Mark my words, it will happen. Maybe when you are in your 70s and you are retirement age -- but it will happen.
Re: Husband stays angry for days what can I do
I'm not searching for attention, I'm searching for another suggestion other than divorce that mf already. We've only been married 3 months.
Tarpon you are a bit rude.
Cutting your losses after 3 months is a MUCH BETTER choice than cutting them after 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and a few kids in too.
Your DH is immature. ANd I agree- he lacks character. This isn't going to change. It simply won't.
I don't know why you ignored how he was, I don't know why you chose to marry him. But it WAS a choice and you STILL have a choice on where you want your life to go.
Well, jolly good show, then and just aces. You're in this for the long run -- for better for worse and all that other kind of thing?
Hm?
You need to have a CTJ talk with him and you need to lay out the facts- his behavior is unacceptable and you demand that he go to counseling with you to work on this.
And then see what he says & does. If he gets mad at you and doesn't talk to you for days and basically refuses to listen or get help, then you will know w/o question that he will NEVER get better. Ever. He can't change unless HE wants to.
However, if he actually agrees and does go to counseling - great. Work with him. See what happens. But - tread carefully. You need to give this time to see if his efforts to change are real or not. And this is where your timeline comes into play even more. Don't go to counseling, see little or no improvement from him, then keep going to counseling thinking "oh but.... he'll eventually change".
Because before you know it, 20 years will pass and you'll be in a miserable marriage.
When he feels like it, that is.
No, all of us have been honest with our advice.
And you don't like it because nobody sugar coated it and said something like "Give it time. I am sure that this is just a thing where you both have to adjust. He probably doesn't mean what he says to you. All of this will work out."
Let me ask you something:
Why did you marry him, anyway, when you did?
I am simply curious why you chose him.
Not all of us who frequent this board are married. Some of us are divorced and I am sure there is a single/never married person or two in the bunch.
What you see in a mate is what you get.
And take it from somebody who is divorced: you cannot change a person. If the problem existed before you were married, it exists after you are married as well and yes, it really does become permanent. You have zero chance of walking away from him and the relationship: there is a legal bond and believe me that a divorce is much more painful in ever area than calling it quits with somebody who has an inherent and blatant fault.
And he is what he is right now....there is somebody over on the Sex and Romance board, asking about her fiancé who simply is not into sex anymore. She is wondering what she can do to get him back into the mood.:(
Her problem is very similar to yours, reason being that he too is what he is right now and no amount of sexiness or jumping his bones is going to turn him into a raving sex maniac who gives her what she wants when she wants it.
You cannot fix what is broken. There is nothing that is going to turn your husband into a wonderful, congenial mature guy who knows how to handle anger and conflicts.
You will spend months trying to get him to change. Honey, it is not going to work. He is who he is right now.
How long are you planning on giving it, to see if he comes around?
Days? Months? Maybe a few years???
What a lot of wasted energy and wasted time and wasted efforts...and that amount of time will eat away at you. Whatever you have left of your self confidence and self esteem is going to go right down the drain. You'll be an emotional nothing when all is said and done and you've pumped all that time into something that never had a damn snowball's chance in hell.
The choice is yours....and don't pull that 8 year old bullshit on us: "Well, I really will leave, then..." Sheesh....
Otherwise, yah, you're really in luck!
You know your H is an abusive POS. If you choose to stay with him now, it's YOUR CHOICE and your own doing. So again, have fun with that. People don't change.
Where and when?
And yah, we can only hope, indeed, that you will not be back to check on this board.
I predict many happy hours ahead for you, fighting a wall of silence and you wondering what you can do to get him to come around....and I predict that someday somewhere you are going to finally say to yourself, "You know, I should have listened that time. Those people were right, what they said about my husband."
Mark my words, it will happen. Maybe when you are in your 70s and you are retirement age -- but it will happen.