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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: OK, I'll give you some action - ask me anything.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
We're going to keep going to therapy, and I would like to still see each other once or twice a week outside of that, like date night, or just him coming over to the house for dinner. I don't really want this separation, but instead of making progress, he told me the other night that he's not sure he was ever really head over heels in love with me to begin with. I don't know if this is true, or if it's some midlife crisis thing or depression or what. I did talk to his mom about that last possibility and she is going to encourage him to see the therapist on his own, and she'll be aware of the situation in case other red flags surfaced. I'm glad I know he's staying with them and they'll be urging him to work through things if there's still a chance.
I unfortunately don't think I'll feel relief when he's gone. I still give it my all when he's home and hug and kiss him and we still have sex. When he's not here, it's much more painful and I feel empty. I'm losing half of me. Half of my family, half of my life, and my entire future as I was planning for it to be. I know I tend to be like this in relationships -- with the rest of the world, I can be more carefree and not sensitive, but when it comes to my partner, I am 100% all in, vulnerabilities fully exposed. I am just completely gutted. I came home the other day to find I left the garage door open, and I walked in thinking, if there is a rapist here waiting for me, I don't even care. There's no way anybody can make me feel worse than I do now.
I appreciate the support, but I am not so much looking for pity here, so you don't have to respond if you don't want to. It's more of the release of writing it that I find helpful, in some small way.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
To be blunt I don't see how your current way of thinking is going to give you what you want out of this (your marriage back). You are setting yourself up for a situation where he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to live elsewhere and not have to deal with the day to day life of a marriage but then he gets to date you and come home and get affection whenever he wants it. This isn't going to cause him to snap out of anything...it will just keep dragging on.
For your own sanity you have to think about setting some rules for this situation. Can he come into the house? If yes then what for? When will you talk? How much affection will you show?
Honestly I think the only way he is ever going to come around is if he feels like you aren't a 'sure thing' in his life. He needs to feel like he has lost you. Once he realizes that (if he does) then you can start down the road to 'dating' and working on things.
No, I agree there should be rules. I am calling our therapist tomorrow to ask some questions, and I would like to go on my own. I want to ask him what he thinks will work best for our situation. I think there are different solutions for different reasons for problems in a marriage. Maybe it would work better to cut him off completely. At the very least, I agree that he should not be able to come by and come in the house whenever he feels like it.
I know I can't keep doing what I'm doing, because a) it's not helping and b) I have to keep my sh!t together mentally and keep my job and pay the bills, etc. I don't want to get sucked down into depression myself. I know that's not going to help anyone; it's obviously terrible for me, but it's not like we can repair our marriage based on his pity for me.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
That is a f'ed up, MEAN thing for him to say to you, truth or not, and totally uncalled for. I don't know how saying that could help the situation any and all that does is F with your self-esteem and make you question everything. Nothing productive comes from that statement- what were you supposed to say- "DOH! Now I understand. This all makes sense now and you're absolved of any guilt you might feel about all this situation!"
That leads me to believe this is a VERY selfish time for him and while he may be having some kind of epiphany in his mind, he does not seem ready to work on a marriage.
Agreed with a lot of this. You should bring it up with the therapist. I carried a lot of guilt for some of the nasty, f'ed up things Nate said through the separation process and it was only after talking about it with my therapist that I was able to let go of some of it.
There is no need for everything he's thinking to be said. He's entitled to his feelings, obviously, but it's just cruel to say shiit like that to your wife.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
Ugh, this whole situation is just so effed. I don't understand how he can continue to treat you this way while you are clearly pouring your all into trying to make him happy. I know you love him and want to work things out, but you shouldn't want to work things out with the person he currently seems to be. He has managed to give himself all the power in this situation -- he has you running yourself ragged trying to please his every need (seriously, I don't know anybody who would play Call of Duty with their H) and the only response he has is to try to cut your very core? That's bullshiit. This marriage is having problems in spite of you, not because of you.
I love you, and I hate to see you have to suffer through all this. I wish that they would just find out it's a brain tumor or something causing him to act like such a jackass. I want you to be happy again. If there's anything I can do for you, you know I'm here. I can listen to whatever you're going through, I can be mad at him so you don't have to be, I can set him on fire, I will fly out to scare the rapists from your garage, I will buy you secret smokes....anything.
Take care of yourself first. Twan comes second. He should come last at this point, but I'll settle for second.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Fenton, I'm sorry, I can't stop thinking about you/this situation. No one is writing back out of pity- I'd guess your situation just resonates with a lot of us including me.
Obviously I'm not your therapist but I just feel sort of how Cali (and others) said it- that the more you do, the more he seems checked out because it's too easy for him to have you when he wants. You can't and shouldn't have to love enough for two- you can't make him love you the way you deserve to be loved. You're just doing TOO much to "win him back over".
I think it's time to get angry.
Hellz yes.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Oh my god, Fenton. There's not much more to say at this point that hasn't already been said, but I'm so fukking sorry this is happening to you. You're obviously working so hard to make this work and ugh, he is just making me want to smash things.
I agree with a lot of what has been said here at the tail end. You are so beautiful, funny, and smart, and he doesn't deserve to just have access to that whenever he wants to, and run away to Mom and Dad's when he's tired of being a grown up.
The nerve!
House | Blog
Oh I've been angry, too. Last night he was cleaning the kitchen and I said, Why bother? This isn't your problem anymore. He got a little cranky/offended, I don't know what and I yelled something like, I am biting my tongue and trying to be mature and you need to not be shocked if I get an attitude with you, you should be shocked that your stuff is not on the front lawn covered in paint and that every item you consider valuable hasn't been smashed to pieces. That shut him up. It is weird though that he's still cleaning, still taking out the trash, and he kissed me goodbye this morning. He mentioned something about putting up Christmas lights on the outside of the house before he goes and I was like WTF? I told him not too, because I don't want to be the one tasked with taking them down in a month. He was also surprised I wasn't going to put up a Christmas tree. a) are you surprised that I don't have the energy, and b) why do you care? It's all very confusing.
I have been reading articles, since that's what I do when I have a problem; research how to fix it. Anyway, some website had a to-do list for "The 180" which is basically getting on with your life, or at least acting like you've gotten on with your life until you get there. No compliments, no kisses, no asking him to stay/come back, no initiation of contact, etc. I feel like trying stuff like this without consulting a therapist is like trying to work on your car instead of taking it to the shop, so I will probably discuss this with him. I didn't want to go down this road too soon since I thought that if I didn't try giving it my all now, I would regret it later when that wasn't possible.
On the bright side, he's leaving the Xbox here, and I'll probably play it a lot. I also hid season 3 of How I Met Your Mother so he can't take it with him. I should probably hide season 2 while I'm at it.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I'm glad you're doing that 180 thing. I think that's what a lot of people do instinctively, only now it has a fancy name. Not that I'm advocating not going to a therapist, but it's a good starting point for protecting yourself now.
You'll have moments of weakness with that, but instead of giving in, come here and vent. Or email someone. Contact them instead of him. I'm usually around so feel free to text/email me if you need to.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
When my ex moved out, at first he was all guilty and nice...left everything and just took a bag and some stuff. I still had hope we were going to work it out. But then, as the weeks went on, I found out he bought a townhouse (with my money but that's another story) and the day I found that out was the day I knew there was no turning back. He would come by and it seemed like he was using x-ray vision to see what he could take with him. Once the guilt wore off, he realized he had to furnish another home. So, I hid whatever I felt I wanted, even of his stuff, because I felt I "deserved" it. I then took all his clothes out of the closet, put them in trash bags and put them in our never-used dining room. It made me feel better just to take the closet over. Small victories.
His back and forth and picking and choosing what he wants to do in the relationship is sort of like getting a bag of Oreos and just eating all the middles out of them. He can't put up Christmas decorations or kiss goodbye if you don't want the rest of it. But, you have to be the one to get to point where you don't allow it. I know you want to feel like you put in your 100% now because it'll make you feel like you did everything you could to save the marriage, but like I said- if he's emotionally checked out, then you could blow him morning, noon, and night and play video games with him every other waking hour and he's still going to leave. Then you just feel like an a-hole. No need for that. There's a fine line between trying to be the best wife you can be and being a doormat.
Honestly, I will say posting on a message board at the time REALLY helped and I probably couldn't have gotten through it without those girls. It was before message boards were really big (remember, I'm old now and this was 11 years ago) so it was really primitive, but the support was the same. I just couldn't even believe it was happening.