Sex & Romance
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Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
I hope I don't get banned for this but I really need some help. I would talk to dear frieds and family but I don't want them to get the wrong idea of my man. He really is a Godly, strong man and is my spiritual leader. We got engaged on EAster of this year. In the middle of June, I found out that he had been looking at porn at least once a week since November (thats when I moved from TN to WY to be with him after a year and a half relationship.) Now, to me, looking at porn is the equivalent to cheating on me. We didn't wait until marriage to be intimate (personal reasons and that is not why I am asking so please don't condemn me.) and I am up for it wwaayy more than he is. He has told me "No." a handful of times and I have never said no to him. I know I am not ugly. I have a nice body (I don't know how, I eat like a pig) but I do have a small chest. HOwever, I still feel worthless, unloved, and used. I asked him why he looks and he said "I don't know." I don't understand how a person can do something without intention. I do everything with intention and so he MUST know why he looks. I've asked him if I'm not what he wants, what I need to change. Mind you, I am completely opposite of the girls he sees. I am modest as can be and am very old spirited. I found out last night that since we talked about it in the middle of June, he has tried to look again but his conscience got him. I should be elated that he hasn't actually looked but it still tears me apart that he desires to look. He is the only man I want to look at and the only man I love. I am not that for him. We are getting married September 3rd. I don't want to fight for my man's attention the rest of our life. I don't believe in divorce and I already gave him my word that I'd be with him forever (when I gave him my virginity). But that doesn't mean I don't hurt. I am hurting and pretending I am okay to his face. But man, it hurts so bad.
I am praying about it. A lot. It is so perverse. I just don't understand and I'm tearing myself apart.
I am praying about it. A lot. It is so perverse. I just don't understand and I'm tearing myself apart.
Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
Here we go again...porn is cheating on me...
Uh no it is NOT.
And not all men like women with large breasts. Evidently your H is one of them if he finds you and your "small chest" attractive.
If you are not comfortable with his porn watching, then say goodbye to him right now and find a guy who gives a hoot less about porn. Believe it or not, there are men who do not watch porn.
If you think this problem will end once you say I Do, not happening. Remember: marriage makes existing problems permanent.
Feeling worthless and unloved and being hung up on a "small chest" shows me that you've got a problem with your body image and self confidence. Try a therapist.
Self confidence is where it is at. I know of very large women and very large men who have no lack of dates (or mates) and I know of very thin men and thin women who have active dating lives. What matters is your self confidence, not what size clothes you wear or what size bra you wear.
Praying about it?
What you need is common sense. Again, if you don't like his porn viewing, end the relationship and cancel the wedding. As I've said, he won't magically stop watching porn once the wedding is said and done; this issue will be the brunt of every argument that you and he will have after you're married --- and as you noticed, sex is one of the big issues that a couple can have; watching porn and objecting to the porn watching falls under the heading of "arguments about sex."
God helps those who helps themselves. Again, if you don't like the porn, say goodbye to marrying this chap. GL.
"Uh yes it IS." That is my opinion. You can have yours but don't try to convince me that is not cheating on me. He is emotionally and mentally cheating. Period. Yes, I've very well aware that all not men like big breasts; he likes my tush better than my chest. What I was meaning is, that is the only difference between me and those girls' bodies. I am not going to say goodbye to him, because like I said in that post, I don't believe in divorce. He has stopped but what bothers me the most is that he still desires to look at other women (see? cheating! I don't know what YOUR standards are) I never once hinted at the idea of our problems disappearing after we are married. I am not naive. I know full and well the tribulations of marriage. And yes, I do have a self esteem issue and you know what? So do most women. But my lack of self-esteem is not why I am hurting,
We obviously have conflicting Christian views so thank you for your opinion. You are okay with porn, divorce, and don't believe in prayer. And that is fine, but I am not. So thanks for your time.
"Uh yes it IS." That is my opinion. You can have yours but don't try to convince me that is not cheating on me. He is emotionally and mentally cheating. Period. Yes, I've very well aware that all men like big breasts; he likes my tush better than my chest. What I was meaning is, that is the only difference between me and those girls' bodies. I am not going to say goodbye to him, because like I said in that post, I don't believe in divorce. He has stopped but what bothers me the most is that he still desires to look at other women (see? cheating! I don't know what YOUR standards are) I never once hinted at the idea of our problems disappearing after we are married. I am not naive. I know full and well the tribulations of marriage. And yes, I do have a self esteem issue and you know what? So do most women. But my lack of self-esteem is not why I am hurting,
So if you think this is cheating, then say goodbye. Simple as that.
Aiyiyiyiyi.
I don't know what other advice to give you.
And if you're looking for "Godly advice" this isn't the place to get it -- what you will get is blunt and spot on no hold barred, non sugar coated advice from the ladies who frequent these boards and often as not they are right with the advice they give.
My advice remains:
If you are uncomfortable with his porn, say goodbye. This is the same thing as being uncomfortable with the fact he drinks, he is a smoker, he's cheap, etc. A person is what he is right now; he won't magically morph into somebody else after he's married.
And my goodness -- how offensive! How do YOU know what my religious views are! You haven't got the right to pull that "My side is better than yours" baloney.
Lady: the biggest athiest agnostic would use common sense in a situation like this and so would the most devout -- and wow, how dare you judge somebody. Holier than thou nonsense; don't get me started on that. Please.
Wishing you the best. Take care.
Great news: You are not married yet! So you don't need to get divorced to end the relationship.
You want a miracle here. No answer that any of us can give you will help. You don't want him to watch porn. He wants to watch it. The end. You can choose to live with it, or you can leave. There is no magic word that will make him stop wanting to watch it.
We're kind of going out.
Well, either you don't marry him or find yourself tethered to a cheater for the rest of your life (using your definition here). Some men like porn, some do not. I suggest finding one that doesn't, otherwise you're knowingly going to be miserable the rest of your life.
I'm not even going to touch the whole Godly thing.
And he doesn't have to pop a DVD into the box or ring up sone porn on the computer. There are many many ways to view porn.
IF his porn has become a problem where it's interfereing iwth your sex life or he's pissed up who knows how much money on porn or he becomes addicted to watching it, then yes: his porn is a problem. In which case my answer is the same: goodbye, Charlie.
No one can tell you how to feel about porn. If it bothers you so much your answer is as simple as what Tarpon said: just walk away. if you choose to stay in the relationship this will be an on going battle because you both don't agree on the matter.
If you are going to rebuttal with "but I gave him my virginity and therefore promised to be with him always" then you really weren't looking for advice, were you? You were looking for someone to tell it is all going to be okay and we can't do that.
You say it is that simple, but its truly not. I've been with the man for 2 years, have given him all of me. It's not that simple. I am in love with him; he is everything I want. I just don't feel like I'm eveyrthing he wants.
Godly advice isn't sugar coated, but on the contrary, at times have been hurtfully blunt but what I have needed to hear. There's a difference between secular advice and Godly advice and it's not how sweet or gentle it is.
I apolgize. I do not know what your views are but I do know they are conflicting with mine. From your post I've seen you are okay with porn and divorce and I am not. I was not meaning to say I was holier than you in any way. I'm just saying that our views are not the same.
Promised to be with him always?
Ask all of us who have been divorced, or who are divorcing, what we think of that one.
There is no guarantee you will be with him always. As my cousin is fond of saying, you and your spouse are strangers for the first 50 years; anything can get into the mix.
You're also not chattel. Putting weight on virginity is absolutely primitive.
When extreme religiosity gets into the mix, there's not much hope. Rigid religious views will take precedence over what is supposed to be common sense.
We DO agree on this matter though. He knows its wrong and he agrees its cheating. But he still desires to look at other women. He has stopped but tried to that one time. And I WAS looking for advice. He doesn't believe in divorce either and the reason why I say it is divorce is becasue I gave him myself when we were intimate. I am not going to have sex with another man. It will only be one for me.
I'm not okay with divorce which is why I don't think you should marry him if porn is such an issue for you. According to you, he cheated on you, are you okay marrying a cheater?
Yes, I sincerely would marry him if he physically cheated on me. And I would take him back if he physicallyt cheated on me after the wedding.
Wow, some women are rude. She came here for advice if you don't have any then go away. If you don't agree with her views don't make fun of her for them, or force yours on her. That's rude and disrespectful, I think women here need to learn some manners and etiquette.
Anyhow, I understand i believe porn is cheating too. My husband used to before we were dating, but it's all over now. He's slipped up twice in the whole course of our relationship. (3.5yrs) He has apologized for cheating. He defined it as "If I'm looking at another woman that isn't you and I'm seeing her in the same way i see you, it's cheating. When I watch something like that it's as if I'm having sex with her, and that isn't right" Y'all can work it out, tell him how you feel about it and why it's cheating. You can't just leave without trying, now if then you decide you can't work past it you can leave knowing that you gave it all you got.
What advice do you want? You won't leave him and he can't stop looking at porn. You'll basically be dealing with this issue for the rest of your marriage.
Really? You need some self-respect.
It isn't entirely primitive. He was a virgin until 22 because he wanted to wait for his wife whom he is going to be with forever snce neither of us believe in divorce. Not primitive.
And its not extreme religiosity. Oh golly gee, people are so uptight about Christianity.
Possibly you need to learn the power of forgiveness. ;o)
You are asking your FI to go against his sexual nature. That's just not sustainable, I don't care how much he says he doesn't want to look - at some point, he WILL. No one should be forced into repressing who they are....it leads to very bad things. Take your partner as he is.
And I can't help rolling my eyes at the "I don't believe in divorce" thing. What if he starts using you as a punching bag? If he knows you won't go anywhere, where's the impetus to be a good husband? Or not watch porn?
I will admit I'm not a churchy person, but your views on virginity/marriage are very immature. If he's not The One because of the porn thing, then you should have waited until marriage to have sex. And don't force yourself into marrying The Wrong One because you didn't wait.
You want a bluntly "Godly" answer? This is why the Bible states that sex outside of marriage is fornication and a sin. Because you have not committed yourself to that person before God and witnesses. From a Christian standpoint you have already made a big no-no. So you chose to give a man who was not your husband "All of you" and now you regret it because he does not love you in a devout Christ-like way that the Bible says and is choosing to look upon other women with lust (which the Bible says is fornication as well and adultery) This was YOUR choice to have sex with him before marriage and you are now having to suffer the consequence of that choice. If you are so devout you should have made a wiser choice. However look in the Bible in Matthew where JESUS says what the only ok reason for divorce is where JESUS says it is ok to get a divorce. He says it is ok and right to divorce in the case of ADULTERY which is cheating... however because you are already a fornicator, then adultery is not any worse a sin to him.
Now on a level of common sense. I KNOW that it sucks to have your heart broken by the one you "will be with always" but he clearly disrespects you if he chooses porn when you have told him how it makes you feel. I would be unhappy if my husband looked at porn because it would make me feel belittled, but he has all he wants in me and trust me girl its awesome. Find a guy who only wants you because if this guy will "cheat" with his eyes who is to say he wont cheat with his penis.
I have no problem with abstinence; if you can hack it, wonderful. As I said, a matter of choice.
But when you start that "I gave him my virginity" nonsense and "going to be with the person forever", that's just fantasy and primitive. One's worth much more than virginity and if a guy is turning YOU down because you are not "pure enough", the hell with him. Period.
You problem: He watches porn.
YOu asked for advice. You got it. And you're probably not going to take it.
YOu said that you and I have different Christian viewpoints. Assuming I'm a Christian? Maybe I'm Muslim, Wiccan, Buddist or athiest.
Is he cheating if he just touches himself?
Thank you!! It's kind of funny how people are so eager to blaze. Oh well. He agrees it's cheating (he thinks the same way your husband does) and I plan to hold on for dear life to him. We talk about everytime it comes up. It's just hard right now when it's so fresh and new. I'll be over it when I see him after work.
No.
Well, shiit, if I was him I'd have a piece on the side almost immediately. I mean, you won't leave so why not? The fact that you're using Christianity as an excuse for this doormat attitude is insulting. God does not want his people to live like this.
I think that would be the wisest answer