Sex & Romance
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Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
As someone who has actually been cheated on (ex had an affair), I can't see how watching porn is in any way close to your SO touching, kissing, sexing up another woman. It isn't even close to emotionally cheating. Saying looking at porn is cheating is like saying looking at A tv star on a show and saying she is pretty is cheating. It just simply isn't. He's engaged, not dead. And even if he stopped expressing it, he'd still think other ladies are attractive.
Wouldn't you rather he look at some picture or video of a naked lady and get off on that and then be with you than him hooking up with a co-worker in real life?
And as for just plain looking at other ladies...c'mon, big deal; he is married, not dead!
Nothing wrong with finding a guy passing by attractive, either.
I find it skeery that the OP has the mindset where she thinks porn is cheating. This is the work of one of these stupid megachurches (the same fine people who brought you "the world is ending May 21, 2011") and kooky "pastors".
I'm going to skip reading all the replies and reply in case you're still here as reading all of that will give me a headache.
You said everything you do has purpose. So for you, what is the purpose of having sex? What was the purpose of having sex before marriage? I'm betting at least part of that came down to sexual desire. This is the same reason your H looks at porn. Being horny is not supposed to be a totally rational emotion, who people are attracted to is not supposed to be something entirely within their control. I would bet the reason your H can't tell you why he is looking at porn is that he knows you disapprove and he is ashamed to admit it to you. Sexuality is a natural thing and so long as other people aren't being hurt, it isn't bad. I know I don't look like the girls in porn and that is perfectly ok with me, DH can find me attractive and other women attractive, it makes me feel good that despite anything he might see on porn he wants to be with me.
I also hear you saying that you are hurt by the fact that he looks at porn which I assume is what makes it bad and cheating in your book. I do strongly recommend that you get to the bottom of why it makes you feel bad. No matter who you are, how gorgeous you are and how awesome your marriage is, your H will at some point in your relationship be attracted to other women. It's how we are biologically wired, to feel attraction. It does not mean he is more attracted to them than he is to you, it does not mean he isn't attracted to you and it doesn't mean he wants to be with them. Several of the posts you've made on this thread do make me concerned about your self confidence, first in terms of giving him carte blanche to cheat and also the fact that porn makes you feel so threatened that you have to ban it and emotionally hurt and embarrass your FI in the process.
I have no clue whether DH looks at porn and we have been together for eight years. He knows I don't care if he looks at porn, in the end he is married to me, he prefers to have sex with me, and he prefers to see me naked. So if watching porn fulfills some completely non intellectual sexual desire of his and he chooses to be married to me and to sleep with me over all the other women in the world, I figure we're in pretty good shape.
Have you all done pre marital counseling? I know its a requirement in a lot of churches and it sounds like it would seriously benefit you. No matter how good your communication skills, they can always be better. Marriage is always a work in progress. This is actually why I "believe" in divorce. Every day I spend with my DH is a day I choose to spend with my DH because I love him enough to want to be with him. I'm not stuck with him regardless if what happens because God would disapprove or because divorce is point blank wrong. I worry that people who say they don't believe in divorce and would never divorce the other person for anything may tend to gloss over issues rather than dealing with them because divorce is not an option. This is case and point: you gave your FI your virginity so you will never, ever leave him, even if the fact he watches porn makes you unhappy, so you will just embarrass him about it and hope it makes him stop. So either you feel like crud b.c. he is watching it or you worry he WANTS to watch it or he will feel like crud because he is watching it or wants to watch it; the real issue goes unresolved. It's not productive communication if one or the other of you feels bad long term.
The Bible teaches that God sends Moses the rules to follow as a covenant between Him and His people. Jesus is said to be the new covenant. Instead of all the rules that absoluelty no person on this earth could possibly follow being the path to God, Jesus is the path to God.
Durring one of his teachings, some one asks Jesus what the most important commandment is. Jesus tells him the greatest commandment is to love God. The second is to love people, which basically encompasses all the other commandments.
OP, I really urge you to take some time to think about your situation. You say your FI is your spirtitual leader. I don't understand how he can be your leader in faith. God says to love him above all else. If your FI is allowing lust to live his his heart and lead him, God is in the background somewhere.
I honestly don't believe that this man is the Godly man you believe he is. I think he found a woman that he thinks he can control and walk over. Can you see what this is doing to you? He made screwed up and now it has you wondering what is wrong with you. The only thing wrong with you is that you are allowing him to make you feel this way. You don't need bigger boobs to keep his attention. You need a man who respects you.
If you honestly want to try to make this work with him, you need to postpone your wedding. Both of you need to start counseling as a couple and as individuals. There is a program offered through many churches called Celebrate Recovery. Click the link and look into it. It isn't just for people who are drug addicts or alcoholics. It is for any one with "hurts, habits and hang ups."
Being married isn't about a leader and a follower. It is about being a team. It is about having a mutual respect for each other. I don't recomend you marry this man. If you insist upon it, please get help for both of you before you do.
This is good advice. Follow it.
OK, I only read the first 2 pages of this so keep that in mind.
I'm a Christian also. I absolutely agree with those who have told you to get counseling. You and your FI are heading down a poor road that isn't looking very Godly to me at all.
First - if you don't want porn to be part of your life and part of your marriage you make it clear and you both willingly agree. If he is watching behind your back he is disrespecting an agreement that you have made together. All couples, Christian or secular, need to be in agreement with what they will invite into their marriages. You guys are not in agreement at all. He is telling you what you want to hear and what keeps him golden in your eyes. He is not standing on his word.
Second - we all know the Bible says the woman is to submit to her husband. Doesnt' say a WORD about being a doormat, does it? No. That is followed by the husband being charged to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. Christ's love for the Church was perfect and no disrespect shown. Especially intentionally. I do not see where he is loving and respecting you as Christ loved the church.
You are subscribing to the doormat interpretation if you think you have to forgive everything, everytime. I'm talking adultery here, not forgetting to take out the trash. One of the best sermons I ever heard was when I was a guest at a Pentecostal church. The Pastor started out with the line about wives being submissive and all I could think was "here we go again." Wrong. He went straight to the man's responsility and was very blunt with them regarding their duty to show respect, honesty, dedication, and loyalty they deserve. Not seeing that in your FI.
As Christians, we are charged to be equally yoked with our spouse. I'm not seeing that in your case. Are you?
Bottom line - you guys need to get with your church and do some counseling. You need to realize how misguided your ideas of taking him back no matter what are, and he needs to realize that he is currently unable to agree with what will be a part of your lives and his promise/committment to that and to you.
Get some counseling and decide if you need to walk away. Just because he is the only man you have slept with is no reason to stay. Marrying someone with whom you are not equally is not biblical or Godly.
You shouldn't even have a spouse or SO as a prayer partner, let alone a spiritual leader.
the OP has a great many more problems than a FI that is looking at porn. That is minor compared to the problems in the mix on this trainwreck.
And if you won't cancel this wedding, postpone for at least a year. There are too to many problems in the mix here --- there's a subservience issue, the issue of marrying a cheater (yes, that's what you're marrying and why do you find that permissible?) a self esteem issue on your part, a disconnect in the bedroom and that's to name a few.
Yes, this is extreme religiosity that you've got going on; religion is getting in the way of common sense -- as somebody pointed out, God doesn't want his people to live that way. God helps those who help themselves.
I completely agree with you. There are so many issues here besides the porn. What bothers me the most is that she came on here looking for something to change about herself. She wants to know what she can do to make herself better in his eyes. That's sad and rather pitiful.
I would suspect she had the same issue with her parents. You don't go from a loving home as a child to an adult relationship where you have and outlook like this.
If he agrees its cheating why on EARTH would you marry a man who cheated on you once a week for almost a year?!?!
If FI cheated one me once a week while we were engaged, there is no way we would have gone through with the marriage.
Agree. Something's been wrong with her side of the picture. I am wondering if she just upped and left her family for this guy -- something is lacking here.
I am not one to make fun of somebody's beliefs but when I heard "I gave him my virginity" this is where I get a little weird.:( Positively mideval and primitive -- you are worth much more than an intact piece of your anatomy.
To the OP: if a good friend of yours or a sister or neighbor you liked came up to you and she had the same kind of problems you stated in this thread, what kind of advice would you give her?
This is a pretty sad story. (sorry, I added your original quote on here so that we can see what you originally wrote.)
You are beautiful and precious! You are what is described in Proverbs 31 (He who findeth a wife. . . ) He sounds like he is a prominent member of his church and has this issue.
I am not sure if you ever heard about Kirk Franklin who is a prominent gospel singer who admitted that he was addicted to porn. I am not sure what happened in this aspect but he made another album of fear. Now, it sounds like you really love this man because without knowing what he was dealing with gave yourself to him. I am not going to condemn you as you may fear but I am going to tell you that there are some things you will need to take care of before you say, "I do".
1- You and him need counseling. I think you said the pastor is too busy to give you spiritual counseling. If this is the case, you need to be directed to a pastor who will. If you can not get that by September you may need to move the wedding date because this is a serious issue and the fact that he can not explain why he does it is even more scary.
2- You need to seriously spend a detailed afternoon with God. Our heavenly father sees it all and is just waiting for us to come to him about it. He knows our heart and our intentions.
3- Get ready to change that date, and be firm. If he is not ready to deal with this then let him know you are. You are a diamond, a jewel, a "ruby" and should never, ever compromise your value. Saying that you would stay if he cheated is not kosher. He should know from the beginning the value of your worth. God knows your value, why shouldn't he. He should love you like God loves his church. Do you see God not listening to the request of his people? That is how this sounds.
Good luck sweetie! You sound like this is very heavy on your heart as it should be. You moved for this man and gave him a very sacred part of yourself. Just make sure this is what your Heavenly Father wants, what you want and def what your FI wants. Please update us on it.
Thank you for coming to her defense.
However, if it seems morally wrong to watch porn at all, then you need to sit him down and talk to him again about exactly how much it hurts you. How you deeply believe that it violates the promises given to each other, cite the bible or any other religious writings you feel you need to. It IS a good sign that his conscience stopped him, and remember that everyone falls into temptation sometimes. I do think there are varying degrees of temptation though, and I certainly think if it ever progressed to physical cheating that you should call it quits.
Exodus 20:13
"Thou shalt not commit adultery"
Matthew 5:27-28
You have heard that it was said, ?You shall not commit adultery.? But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Then again, consider the forgiveness Jesus offered to Mary Magdalene. Jesus will forgive you (even if you have already been intimate) if you choose not to marry this man. If he cannot follow what God has commanded, and if he cannot be the religious head of the marriage body, then he is not and will not be a good husband.
You should both become Amish. No computers, no electricity = no looking at porn.
Easy, done. Solved.
Good luck!
Case for the m*therfucking win.
my to-read shelf:
34/150
Well said.
AGREED, and more importantly you should NOT be getting married until you go through pre-marital counseling and address these issues! I cannot emphasize this ENOUGH! It is outright foolish not to in your situation. You don't believe in divorce? Then figure out how to deal with/address these issues before they enter your marriage because it won't be the last time you do things that hurt each other's feelings.
Another Christian girl here, and I totally agree with this statement. Nobody will blame you for putting the wedding off to take some time to decide!
Maker also has a way of showing you when you're in a bad situation. And this one's sure one of them.
OP: Have you talked to your parents? Tell them what's been happening; a dime says they will tell you run RUN, not walk, away from this guy as fast as they can take you.
Maybe I'll get flamed for this, and I have not read the entire thread yet, but here's my opinion. You seem like you are picking and choosing your bible "rules". You say you don't believe in divorce and porn is infidelity, but you had premarital sex, which I'm pretty sure is a bible no-no, too, FWIW. Anyway, this isn't going to go away, so if you don't leave him now, won't divorce him, then your just going to have to get over it and let him "cheat" on you. That's your other option.
PS: How would you feel if he actually did cheat on you? The same way you do now? I don't think so.
So you pick what you want and discard the rest of the rules.
And remember that the Bible was written by men. It is not divinely inspired.
You really believe he don't watch porn anymore????? wow...
It has also been theorized that the Bible has been edited. Google and ye shall find.
Men are not infallible; they are not God. Even that "information" in the Bible where it states a gay man should be put to death -- no way could he have said to kill anybody. Homophobic men put that one in there, dearie. And that sure wasn't divinely inspired to me.
Yup.. At least I hope it is a troll because it is scary to think women still believe/talk this way.