Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
So what advice are you looking for? Apparently a cheating relationship is one you're okay with. So what's the problem?
For what it's worth, when a man tells you he doesn't deserve your love, believe him.
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This is getting whackier by the moment.
Who in their right mind wants a cheating spouse?
This is getting whackier by the moment.
Who in their right mind wants a cheating spouse?
Pray about it with him. If it's a habit, then of course he will still have the desire to continue to view porn. It's going to have to be something that you work on together. No matter how you feel, don't condemn him for looking at it; it's just like any other sin that you might commit over and over again. Help each other through it. This might just be God's way of showing you that, though he is strong spiritually, you shouldn't put him on a pedestal or hold him to a standard that he can't meet with out God. Try to make yourself humble, understanding and gracious. That will make you infinitely more attractive than any airbrushed girl on the computer.
I'd also suggest the book The Lost Art of True Beauty by Leslie Ludy. She's a modest, old spirit herself, and has a great perspective on what true, godly beauty is.
The book I mentioned helps with a step program, but it's not a rigorous 12. But thanks for your concern.
You should be aware as well that there's more to recovery than following rules. Especially when God is in the equation. I'm 100% serious when I say that a proper and right and corrected relationship with Him can go much further in healing an addiction and any human counselor or program.
Also, Tarpon, be careful what you say you would or would not do in a certain situation. You'd be surprised how you might feel when actually faced with what you thought was the impossible. You may not know yourself as well as you think. Crisis situations tend to change people.
Oh, and to the OP, I had one more piece of advice. If he is serious about not wanting to view porn, then I suggest installing a software such as NetNanny or SafeEyes to help monitor his internet activity.
The first part of that was @ Tarpon... I thought I quoted the quote to me, but apparently, I missed it.
God provides means to help people including "human counselors". God helps those who help themselves.
I've got a few thoughts on this. To give you some background on where I'm coming from, I'm a Christian who recently got married. My husband and I both waited to have sex until marriage. (and the freedom that came with knowing we did things right has been incredible) Here are my thoughts and concerns:
- This advice doesn't apply in every situation, but I'd generally be concerned about your parents lack of support for this relationship. Maybe it's an unhealthy situation and that's not the case, but most of the time, I think parents do have God-given wisdom for their children and honestly are seeking their best. Sometimes they can see things that we can't.
- As far as the porn thing- it is a serious issue, but I'll echo others in saying that it really isn't about you. If he looks at porn, or struggles with it, it's not because you're lacking. (And I wonder if some of the feelings of insecurity or inadequacy you experience are because you're having sex without the protection that comes from a marriage covenant) Porn is an addiction, but really all types of sexual immorality and impurity start with the mind. That's why we need our minds renewed. The things that you think matter and your thought patterns result in behavior and activities. Chances are that thought life is not just something he struggles with, but you as well since you are having sex. We're called as Christians to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ". I know from past struggles that this can be hard, but it is possible to have a pure mind and heart! Virtually everyone struggles or has struggled with temptation in some form, but what matters is what you do with it.
- Last thought, I agree that premarital counseling is incredibly helpful. Realize that if you think getting married will solve whatever relational problems you have, it won't. Marriage takes whats there and amplifies it. If it's hard now, it will be harder once you're married. It's worth working through issues now.
I know where you're coming from, more than you might think, but there is hope if you're willing to face hard truths and make difficult choices. Also, you said you're worried he'll turn to porn if you don't have sex. That's not what porn is about- it feeds something different. There will not be sexual purity in your relationship or in you individually as long as you are still sleeping together. It's hard, of course. We're wired to want that intimacy. But the alternative is incredibly destructive. Especially because of your beliefs, this will seriously undermine trust which can have far reaching effects in your marriage.
Does she want to be his wife or his mom?
The second you have to police your FI, forget it.
And there are other places to view porn other than the interwebs.
The consensus still stands: if you are not comfortable with something he does (porn, smoking, drinking, he spends too much time running around with friends or whatever it is) why are you tolerating it?? Find another guy. it's as simple as that.
Also, Tarpon, be careful what you say you would or would not do in a certain situation. You'd be surprised how you might feel when actually faced with what you thought was the impossible. You may not know yourself as well as you think. Crisis situations tend to change people.
A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and that's what this is. It's only common sense to leave when there's a dealbreaker involved.
The OP needs a good flaming. That is what The Nest is good for: honest, solid advice to give the OP a wake up call. And only when somebody gets a good flaming they see the light...usually, anyway. I'm not certain that this is going to happen here.
Porn is the least of her problems. SHe's given this guy a hall pass to do just about anything. Considers it adultery but she is still marrying this guy? I'm sorry but the whole thing is just bsc. Who wants to go through life with somebody who uses her as a doormat?
And too many other bizarre problems and mindsets are also in the mix here. I won't recap; we know what they are.
There's only one thing she can do: cut her losses and go. If she thinks she is obligated to this guy because she gave up her virginity to him, wow, that's just beyond word.
Oh, I have LOTS of trust. And husband and I watch together. Pretty exciting if you ask me.
You are just really gullible if you believe he isn't watching it. Don't know what the hell is the big deal if he is anyways. Are you that insecure?
I couldn't have said it better.
Porn does not equal cheating...in my book.
Congrats that y'all watch together, however we don't believe that is healthy for our relationship. And honestly I don't see why either of us should be ok with the other watching someone else and lusting after them. Our sex life is exciting enough without watching other people. I know he isn't, even if I wasn't with him all day. I'm not gullible nor am I insecure. I trust him, if he tells me something I believe him. And I don't have anything to be insecure about, believe me. We just hold our relationship to different standards.
I think I can see both points here. Are you sure DH is really "lusting" after the women he sees in porn? And by lusting, I mean, is he sitting there thinking "Man I wanna f**k her so bad"? If he's watching porn and wishing he was with the girls he sees on it, I would agree that I have a problem with that.
When my Bf and I watch porn together, we don't lust after who we see on the porn. We really use it to get us just that much more excited. It's kind of like some people with reading erotic novels - it just turns us on. He nor I really think "Hey, I wanna have sex with that hot guy/girl in this porno". In this case, would you also agree that watching porn is wrong? Is it still wrong if DH isn't "lusting" after the girl he's looking at, but rather using the porn as a tool to get himself even more aroused for having sex with YOU?
I think it's still wrong. I want him to get hot as hello kitty looking at my body and thinking about doing that to ME.
Hot as hello kitty? wowee.
I am also a Christian and so is my husband. We are on the same page and agree that porn is not ok in a marriage and goes against the Bible and God. My husband had an addiction with porn in high school but he wanted to quiet and used a step by step program to help him quite. He hasn't looked at it in years. Does your fiance want to stop? If not this is a red flag for your relationship if this is not something you can agree on it will cause issues in the marriage and may rip you apart in the end. It is a big issue and if you can't agree on if you want porn in the marriage or not it will be bad. If he wants to stop then get him help through your church and with counseling to stop if he doesn't want to or doesn't see anything worng with it then I would question if he is really a Christian or not and question continuing on with the wedding marriage. This is to big of an issue to not agree on. You have a lot of talking and thinking to do.
If he does want help have him try xxxchurch.com it is a great site to help recovering porn users or addicts. It has an amazing free software that can be downloaded to his computer and it will send emails out to 3 people of his choosing every time he goes to an adult site. It is much harder to look at porn if someone else knows what you are doing. It is a great accountability tool. It also has a step by step purity program he can go through it is all free. My husband used it and it worked for him. Good luck I will be praying for you. =]
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I was going to write a sincere reponse to this post until I saw this. You literally have zero love and respect for yourself if this statement is true. Zero.
But I will say, WATCHING PORN IS NOT CHEATING. It's just not! And if he's into it then there is no way he just stopped watching because of a "guilty conscience". Yea right. It's called the "clear history" button in your web browser.
Ok, I'm sorry but that is just rude. You can't judge her if she would take him back, personally I believe everyone makes mistakes are they really to be judged for that for the rest of their lives? I don't believe that is fair. Honest to God why is this still going on? Why is it that if we believe porn is cheating we are told how insecure we have to be? Well you know what if you are ok with your husband watching another woman naked then good for you, I don't think that's right and you're not gonna change my mind. If he sees her in porn then in my mind he might as well have been with her, b/c that's what's going on in his head. "But he's thinking about me" Bull, men pull that same excuse when they have affairs too, again it's forgiveable but let's call a spade a spade here. Now can everyone get over it and let her be, go watch porn with your men if it's really that entertaining.
When I saw the bolded, I had to create an account just to respond.
I was told the same thing by someone overly religious, and I looked at her knowing that she had taken her abusive husband back yet again because he was sorry and she "Needed to forgive him because it was the Christian thing to do." I looked her dead in the face and told her that to forgive and forgive the same thing over and over makes one a doormat, and I'm sorry but I am not a doormat and I do not like people walking all over me. I respect myself more than that.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Bottom line if it continually happens and you don't like it, you need to put a stop to it or walk away. Continual "forgiveness" tends to make for a resentful bitter psyche.
That is not a very good Christian response because there are Biblical reasons for divorce. Adultery and abuse are some of them if a man is not stepping up to his duty as a husband that is hurtful to the whole family. There are very old school Christians who don;t believe in divorce ever for any reason But there is actually scripture for divorce in certain situations. I am sorry for your friend and that she felt she had to continue to live with an abuser because of twisted faith that is horrible. =[
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"
I am very sorry for her as well. She became a very bitter and resentful woman, and our friendship gradually parted ways because she could not bring herself to get out of her situation. Last I knew she was a very bitter and resentful of her situation, but could not see that she was twisting her faith to create her situation.
Forgiveness is a good thing, but to continually forgive and forget the same thing allowing a vicious cycle to perpetuate is not good either.
I honestly didn't read the 7 pages of responses, but here's my two cents.
1. Your husband has sin in his life that he needs to deal with. I would recommend him reading Porn Again Christian (free e-book) and having a serious talk with your pastor.
2. You have sin you need to deal with. Confess and repent to your FI, talk to a counselor, read your Bible, pray. Here's where I've found a lot about redemption.
3. This isn't about sex as much as it is about the two of you dealing with sin, which won't end when you get married. It sounds like you need to take a few steps back and work on your own issues before you combine them.
maybe you should seek a christian relationship counselor..
porn can be a very damaging thing to a relationship... most of the women are very fake.... fake chest fake butt, liposuction, etc... and that can ruin the way that men look at real women...
as for how you feel it is cheating.. i can see how you would think that. If he is lusting, after other women it is.. doing it in our heart and mind is the same as physically doing it in Gods eyes...
saying " i dont know" is a cop-out... especially when he can see that it is hurting you, i would hope that if you chose counseling it would help you. maybe you could postpone your wedding, until you can get some professional help...
I am so sad for you that this has been such a hard ordeal. I went through something similar once and I know it can really negatively affect one's self-esteem.
Here's the thing. You don't need to fight for his attention sexually. He is giving you more sexual attention than he would ever give anyone in the porn he looks at. He is going to desire to look at porn for a long time. I suggest standing by him and assuring him that you will be there for him no matter what happens. You can be his greatest confidentiality partner in this matter. Be encouraging and thank him for working so hard at this. If he ever comes to you and says that he messed up, be compassionate and not condemning. If he sees you love him through this, it will mean more to him and help him more not to look at porn. The real emotional connection between the two of you is more powerful than any porn can provide. By keeping an open dialogue you can peacefully keep him prayer and become his partner and teammate rather than the villain. Give him grace as God has given you grace. Remember how much you love him and be there for him and try to really really listen and understand. I know how hard this can be. All my prayers and love to you for a great wedding and marriage.
There are different degrees of cheating, I think we can all agree on that. If he were to kiss another woman or go out and spend the night with her--different degrees, but still cheating. You sound like you are deeply religious, and that porn really bothers you. It's completely understandable. That's how you feel, and nothing nobody says in this message board is going to change the way you feel. With that said, you obviously feel that porn is a form of cheating. Some may disagree, but that doesn't matter--it's what YOU feel. Cheating is still cheating, no matter the degree.
Pornography is a growing concern. If he is addicted, then there is a problem. Studies show that pornography stimulates the same part of the brain as heroin, but can actually do more for you than heroin. The worldly belief is that porn is okay, but you (along with many many others) don't share that belief--you're just the minority. There is help though. 12-step groups that focus solely on pornography, and even groups that support the significant other or family members that deal with a loved one's addiction.
You can go on and ignore it, but if it bothers you now, it's definitely going to bother you later and get worse. I would advise you to do some research on the effects of pornography on the brain--I think you would be surprised. Also, consider the 12-step groups as well. If it really is that important to you, perhaps tell him that he needs to seek help before you marry him.
You're in a difficult position. But follow your instincts. Remember that how you feel is how YOU feel. Don't rationalize it, because eventually your true feelings will come out and you will find yourself extremely unhappy.
Hope this helps.
It seems to me that you have already decided to go forward with the marriage, so the question becomes how do you deal with this issue.
I think it would be quite rare to find a red-blooded man who never had a sexual thought or desire about someone other than his wife. I am absolutely not condoning cheating of any kind, I'm just noting that men are very sexual beings and there is a lot of temptation in the world. I wouldn't think that his love or desire for you should be diminished by looking at porn, but if it is, that's certainly a problem.
At least with him viewing it once a week or so it does not sound like he has an addiction to it. He has been honest about his desire and decided not to view it after you made it clear how you felt. This sounds like a pretty good guy you've got here.
My best advice would be to seek counseling with a spiritual leader you feel comfortable speaking with. They would likely be able to help you both objectively look at the other person's point of view and provide you with guidance.
I can understand how bad it would make you feel to be rejected sexually by your partner. That is a horrible feeling. For me this only points to a stronger need for some counseling and guidance from someone who can spend some time with you both and help you work through your issues.
I wish you the best in your marriage.