Sex & Romance
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Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
OP, tell us why you want to marry him. That's not being snarky. I truly want to know what it is you see/saw in him.
Thank you. I really enjoy reading other people's thoughts on this. I'm sorry that I made it seem that way but he is not all of a sudden not OK with premarital sex. We still are intimate very very often but there has been a handful of times where he has told me No. All of yours points had great validity to it. They are definitely making me think.
Also, I'd suggest that perhaps you aren't spiritually mature enough to marry. Your own rules for your faith are contradictory. You believe porn to be cheating and have no place in a christian relationship and yet you're bothered by your FI no longer wanting to have sex with you before marriage.
You feel that you owe your partner your fidelity even though you've not married him and yet you would marry a partner who could not give you his fidelity.
How can you know you're marrying a man who matches your faith and views as you see them when you aren't settled in your own faith?
Are you currently attending a church? What about Sunday school? Were you raised a Christian?
Click me, click me!
So you don't eat shellfish? Believe in slaves? Don't let your FI talk to you while you are on your period? You don't defecate? You believe that miscarriage is a woman's fault for her sins? I doubt you really follow the living word of God.
Your daughter advice hit home. I am big on examples for future generations.
Click me, click me!
DING DING DING! Excellent analysis. This explains A LOT about her approach to this whole situation and her whole relationship with this man. This marriage will obviously last because he'll spend the entire marriage f*cking up, and she'll apologize in some way for having caused the f*ck up. Door.mat.
Haha thats a funny face. But I'm honestly not.
We should look into that. Thank you.
He doesn't watch. Just looks at (and says he doesn't masturbate). He is a machinist but they have a computer that I am assuming he looks during lunch.
I'm glad you're reading through... I know this is a hard thing to be going through.
On that note, let's come from the direction of you loving this guy so much you've expressed you'd be willing to change to what he wants, etc. OK.
If you love him, you want him to fulfill his potential as a child of God, correct? You want God's will for him, you want for him to live a Godly life, and you want him to be edified and "sharpened" and as purified gold before God.
Unfortunately, that will not be able to happen if you allow him to skate on these issues. How do you think this man will ever get a message that his behavior is destructive (again, based on your faith and what at least your view of this marriage should ultimately be) if you give it a pass? If you are still willing to give it all, sacrifice it all, without asking him to correct or change? Do you think God comes at it with that approach? "Naw, kiddo, that's OK that you're engaging in sin x-y-z - I'd much rather you be happy than confront you about it and have you change for your own benefit." You know that is not the way it goes, and thus you being willing to condone/enable this is not going to help him.
Again, I am far more concerned with your state of mind, without this guy figuring in, since two wrongs can't make a right here. But this should hopefully give you more to consider in that while you may think you're being so humble and giving in your own sacrifice, that very attitude may lead to his further destruction, KWIM?
During lunch, goofball.
You know, I couldn't tell you honestly because I am still confused about the Old Testament and all those rules for all that. I need to study it harder in all honesty.
I think a lot of people are. I hear that quite a lot.
So wouldn't you want to HELP a door mat instead of just diagnose one?
Haven't you heard enough from all the other women on this thread?
Re-evaluate your relationship now. Postpone the wedding pronto. Move out of his damn parents' house! Get counseling by yourself, both from a pastor and from an actual psychologist who will give you clarity on your self esteem issues and your doormat personality. Get counseling with your FI and figure out why you let him walk all over you. Stop reading the Bible, start reading some self-help boooks on infidelity, marriage, porn, and communication. Educate yourself.
I'm willing to bet you that if you complete all of these steps, you won't be marrying this man and you'll wake up with a new sense of self and be a stronger, confident woman and probably end up with an honest upright man. Right now, you're honesty pathetic, and your FI is a liar.
You are really opening my eyes to a lot of things I hadn't considered before. "One who spares the rod, hates his son, but one who loves him is careful. " I need to encourage him but show him it's not going to fly and help him grow into a stronger spiritual leader. Yes. Thank you.
Thank you. You are right. It's just hard. I love him a lot.
Yes, I do. I'm going to tell you how I see this. Your fiance's issue with the porn is not the bigger problem here. The bigger probelm is that you are not ready to get married. You need to call off this wedding...not because of his porn issue....but because you need time to mature and know yourself and your faith more fully.
I can't move out of his parent's house. I moved to Wyoming to be with him. My family is in TN and my job does not pay enough to support me. I'd rather not read self-help books because no imperfect person can take the stance of better-than-you and teach me on infidelity, marriage, porn, and communication. God made marriage; I will learn from Him.
Also bear this in mind: while we all need others to help show us God's direction and plan for us, you may not be the specific person to do this for him. And you don't have to be either - I know you probably want to be, as that would ensure a tie to him and some kind of future together.
But if you do decide to stand some ground about this stuff, please don't get married. Not yet. Six weeks is in no way enough time for him to do a total 180-turnaround with a solid track record trying to go into an allegedly-lifelong marriage. No way. I don't care if deposits have been paid - it's worth it to back out and at the very least postpone than enter into a hot mess of matrimony where you keep feeling this way about yourself. God never intended you to live like that, I promise you.
WOW. Sklubritt, I want to respond to your original post - it's so tempting to go off on each of these women who just want to condemn you (which you asked us not to do) and judge your spiritual beliefs. I'll just say one thing to those ladies: She titled this post "Godly advice, please." If you weren't going to offer that, why bother even clicking on the title and wasting your time?? Geez!
Now for my humble advice. If you and your man have a true relationship with God, seek His help TOGETHER. You mentioned you have been praying a lot about this, but has he? Have you prayed about it together? Next, it is IMPERATIVE that you get premarital counseling - if not from your own church, then from a different organization. Trust me, it is a MUST. I don't believe that you have to dump your FI and move on just yet -- but I do believe there are some things that need to be straightened out before the wedding happens. If it means post-poning it, then that's what you have to do. Remember, this is a commitment for life (especially since you don't believe in divorce - however, I agree with the other post that mentioned adultery IS an acceptable reason for divorce). Your man, if he is as Godly as you believe he is, should be open to getting some counseling for this. Something else I think you should do -- put filters on your computer that don't allow pornographic sites or images to be looked up. I know you said he looks at work (which is SO dangerous, he really could get fired in an instant for that), but to make him accountable for his actions, you should make sure the proper security steps are taken on your home computers. If he struggles with his conscience about this, I believe there is hope for him. He's not defending it like there is nothing wrong with it, so he should be open to seeking counseling to stop his desires to look.
About your decision to have pre-marital sex: Was it the wrong decision? Yes. Should you be beating yourself up for it? No. But you SHOULD abstain from any further sexual situations with your FI until your wedding night. You and your FI should talk with God together about the decision you made to be physical and ask for forgiveness. God DOES forgive and as long as you don't go back and make the same mistake, your slate is clean with Him. If you keep having sex, it means you are not truly asking for God's forgiveness. If your man can truly repent and ask for God's forgiveness, you two have a fighting chance. He needs to ask God for strength to control those desires. If you make Him the center of your relationship, everything else will fall into place.
I can't stress enough how important getting pre-marital counseling is. I know you don't want to post-pone your wedding, but you have to do this before you get married. This IS a big problem and you don't want to start your marriage out on the wrong foot. It won't solve your problems but it will give you the tools to solve them yourself. And, (I know you don't want to hear this), it may end up giving you clarity that maybe this is not the person you are supposed to be with. If that's the case, it's better to find out now and avoid a divorce (or some serious heartache) in the future.
Best of luck to you and I will be praying for your situation. I know all the ladies on this thread are about to BOMB me for my "Godly" advice, but I don't care, I'll be praying for them too. That's what you asked for and I thought you deserved the honest, spiritually based advice you were looking for. Hopefully some of my words will stick with you and you will prayerfully consider some of it. Signing off with a couple verses to reflect on - I truly hope God provides you with you the answers you are looking for. God Bless you!!
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4: 6-7
Really? I have (over years of effort) read the entire bible, and I am not even a member of a religion that follows the bible. Do yourself a favor and pick of the bible, quaran, book of mormon, the tankah, among other books of other faiths. Learning about the ins and outs of every religion helps you learn to appreciate yours more.
And second-third-fourth the advice to seek premarital counseling. No pastor worth his salt is going to give you a huge thumbs-up to moving ahead in this situation as-is, and that should also give you plenty of pause.
My mom has been one to listen to her heart 99% with 1% of head mixed in. She ended her third marriage about 6 months ago and can't quite get why she still feels so unfulfilled. She is one who bases her whole identity on who she is with (the only redeeming message from that travesty of a movie, Eat Pray Love). It just doesn't work.
Dude, I'm using common sense.
That's tough luck for your sister; sorry she's having such troubles.
Again, it is common sense. YOu said he agrees it's cheating? Then fine: it is agreed he stops watching porn.
Suppose you catch him doing it --- or you find downloads that are porn -- what then?What happens when you catch him in the act?
At this point you'll be dealing with a horse of another color: a guy with no character who could not uphold a promise that he made to you.
What do you do about that?
And wow, you're living in his parent's house?
You 2 should be self sufficient. Don't go "oh they did this to give us a break so we can save money..." Honey, adults ready for marriage do not live with parents. You evidently cannot afford your own place and just based on that, you're not ready for marriage and neither is he: you need to be self sufficient, both financially and emotionally.
There are Christian self help books, you know.
There are also women's Bible studies to help you understand what you're reading and explore whether or not it fits your ideals. Generally these are led by women who are more experienced in their faith and studies and have learned from their own lives. I'd strongly urge you to consider going to one.
Click me, click me!
He won't let you stay over at his house?
You mean you can't even sleep in a guest room or the couch?
And you and he went from being sexually active to no sex at all.
Dude, that's bad news. What do you think -- that this will normalize once you get married? Men don't go from being sexually active with a partner to no sex at all; something is funky with that for sure.
You're supposed to be growing closer together, not growing more and more apart.
At this point, your problem is NOT his viewing porn.
Your problem is a disconnect between the 2 of you.
Your problem also is not being self sufficient emotionally and financially -- why are you living with his parents? Why aren't you living in your own place, or at least living with him?
This whole relationship with him is a trainwreck. Use the brain and common sense your Maker gave you and tell this turkey goodbye...and wow, how cute. Bet you his boss will love to hear that his employee is viewing porn on company time.
I am wondering if you even had a job lined up before you relocated for this jerk. Willing to bet the answer is no.
And how cute: you're using a cop out excuse for not getting counseling too.
The problems you hve are so deep that no way can they be fixed in a few months -- and yeah -- if you consider porn cheating then why in tully are you marrying a cheater, then?
You're either hopelessly sheltered or desparate or you figure "since I gave up my virginity to him I am stuck with him" or some kind of weird culty fundy thing is going on.
As I said, God helps those who helps themselves. Use your common sense here.