Sex & Romance
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Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
Do you think that maybe the porn began during the long distance relationship? He should consider getting counseling for himself especially if he wants to stop but feels as though he cant. A good pastor would not judge him, but actually think better of him for choosing to get help.
Thank you. I love seeing other's views of this from the Bible's standpoint.
I'm not really ignoring it. I am just defensive of my man
)
I think someone needs an explanation of what SUCCESSFUL communication is. It's not communication if one of you talks and the other one doesn't hear or care about what you're saying.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
He is not going to change. He will be the same man once married and you will have the same issues. You accept him as he is (not my advice to you) or you leave (better option IMO).
I highly suggest a good counselor for YOU.to help you sort this out and gain some self confidence to move on.
Geez, you love being a smart aleck. You are right, cheating does not equal commitment. I am not accepting it though. I just have such a forgiving heart.
Do you blankly follow the entire gospel or do you pick and choose?
Yes, he would have refused it. You are right. But I should have too. Thank you for reminding me about unrepented sin. LIfe is hard, but I am strong
In the gospels, Jesus says that if you feel your hand or eye will cause you to sin, you need to remove it from your body, because it's better to be eyeless or handless than sin. IMO, in this scenario, the role of a hand or eye is being played by your FI, because he keeps cheating on you and you're not doing anything about it. Cut him off.
I totally remember this particular passage because it was in Godspell. lol.
Also, moving in together isn't compatible with the strong stance you've taken on other biblical issues. By your definition, him asking you to move in with you also shows him to be incapable of being the spiritual leader you're looking for in marriage.
So how exactly does he fit the definition of Godly man and head of the home by your definition?
Click me, click me!
If you do not believe in divorce, do not marry this dude. Period. Love does not solve your problems and you need more than love to make a marriage work.
Your marriage vows will be to love, honor and cherish?? How is he doing now? Not so great - right? Is he meeting the standards of behavior that your church subscribes to?
You are not wrong for loving someone and being sexual with them. You would be wrong marrying somone who is not a good match for you.
Pretend you have a daughter who is your current age and this is her delima --- what would you advise her? ----you are setting the example for your future daughters should you have them - choose wisely. (God gave you a good brain for a reason -- use it! )
ETA: You claim to be forgiving -- but really you need to forgive yourself for the mistake of choosing this guy. You just sound plain scared to be alone and embarrased to call of the wedding.
Colossians 3:19
And you husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing (It doesn't sound like he is doing this!)
Proverbs 13:20
Whoever walks with the wise will become wise; whoever walks with fools will suffer harm. (I'd consider your FI in the fool category)
Proverbs 14:7
Stay away from fools, for you won't find knowledge there.
Just because a person has faith in something that does not seem relevant to you does not mean that it is not real to that person.
I am a Christian and I believe the Bible and I believe it is relevant in today's society just as much as in the times of Christ. No, maybe things are not the same, but people don't claim that just because Aristotle or Plato were from long ago that what they said is irrelevant. Just because this young woman is choosing to (in my opinion wrongly) stay with a man who she believes is cheating on her just to be a forgiving person does not mean her faith is stupid. Its not your faith and that is fine, I am not going to try and shove it down your throat or tell you you are wrong, but please dont act like all people who trust in the Bible are stupid or primeval because that is not the case.
To have complete faith in something means you don't pick and choose.
She needs to follow the advice to leave IF he wont stop, but you guys calling her dumb for her beliefs is not ok. Her choices were dumb, but her beliefs are hers and she is not insulting yours.
I'm going to address a few points (and as I can speak to it from your faith standpoint, let's roll with the looking-at-porn is not meant to be part of your marriage):
- You should not be ready to take this man on as your spiritual leader until he can act like it. September 3rd is less than 2 months away, and hardly enough time for you to have any secure certainty he has turned his back on that practice.
- So he's OK with looking at porn, but is somehow not OK with having more premarital sex with you... are you seeing the dichotomy there? Refer back up to the point above - he is skewed on this issue and is not ready to be a spiritual leader to you or anyone else.
- Also re: him now saying no to more premarital sex... I hate to say it so tritely, but he is just not that into you. But please, after letting that sink in, read the next point:
- I've asked him if I'm not what he wants, what I need to change. NO. NO. NO. This also tells me YOU are in no way ready for marriage either. You do not EVER change for anyone else besides yourself (and God if you are truly faith-based). I again point out he is not likely the right man for you if he is not physically enticed by you into an act it sounds like you were more excited for than he was, and also if you are apparently not what he is seeking out through other channels.
- You're not married yet. Thus if you do not get married, you will not be facing an immediate divorce - or worse, feeling trapped because you feel it's not an option based on your beliefs. And if you indeed gave your word to be with him forever - was that before or after we discovered the porn issue? Before or after he has repeatedly turned you down for sex?
- If you are having to pretend you are not hurt to a person you are about to knit your soul to, again - this is not the right relationship for you. You are not ready. You are not ready. You are not ready. And that is OK. Would you not rather join yourself to a person who is fit for you - wants you for your heart, mind, soul and body? Wants you enough to commit to you and keep promises he has made to you without you living in fear or distrust or insecurity?
Walk away, for the love of God. Hell, even the Bible says, "It is better for man to live alone," and I'd say in your case you deserve some time to figure out how you feel about yourself before you let that be dictated by someone who can offer you no solid direction or security in yourself.
Its hard to remember that sins are wiped all away. But I don't necessarily think because I sinned I have to marry him. I gave myself to him because I knew I was going to. I want my yes to be yes and no to be no. Does that help? =/
I'm sorry I have come across that way. Its that appearance that turns people off to Christianity. I am sorry to have just contributed to that belief.
Ah yes! My loom. How could I forget!!!
One would think. Rats.
Why not go to a non- pastoral counselor?
There are counselors that have a Christian element/thing with them that are not pastors. Go there.
Also, WTF does he do for a living where its cool to watch the porn?
Thks.
I don't know if it had or not. He said that he looked a lot all of his life. He tells me (and I believe him) that he doesn't masturbate to it and he doesn't watch videos. Just pictures. But it still hurts so bad. That is honestly what I was wanting advice for. I'm okay now that I've had to defend myself. Maybe he and I should both go?
I try to follow it all. But it doesn't seem that way.
I wish you would PM me. I was in non-denom church for over 20 years, in leadership for a good bit of that, and had my own ups & downs with romantic relationships in that climate. I can tell you right now, had I taken your tact and decided to only be with the first man I had sex with, I would have married a man who divorced his wife because of me and likely have the same philandering occur to me which I was involved in. NOT the way you want to go - please don't think God would ever wish for you to set yourself up for a wholly destructive hot mess of a marriage because you've "given your word" and even given yourself physically to this guy. Please PM me, I'm not even kidding.
We are actually not living together. I'm living with his parents and he has his own house. He also tells me no when I ask to stay over.
But you're allowed to say no now that you have further information.
Has anyone ever asked you for a favor? You said yes given the information you had at the time. However, later you found out the favor entailed more than you realized, maybe it cost more, maybe it was on a date where you had something else going on. You're allowed to say now, right?
So why would you proceed with something you've since realized is not right or you?
Remember that verse about plucking out your right eye if it offends you and causes you to sin? Well, I'm pretty sure that applies to fiances who have shown themselves to be bad spiritual leaders and fairly crappy marriage material by your standards. Yes, the bible says it's better to marry than burn but I'm pretty sure God doesn't intend for you to marry someone you know will lead you into sin.
Click me, click me!
::clears throat::
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
So he cheats his employer as well by looking at porn when he should be working!
Thank you. Please dont think I am staying with him just to practice forgiveness. It just comes way too natural. It is one of the things I hate about myself. I forgive so easily and I get hurt easily. He has told me that he doesnt deserve my love.
I could kiss you.
Click me, click me!