Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Godly advice, please. I'm at a loss.
ok, just so you know: there are people who think just like you out there. (: I am recently engaged, been with my man for almost two years now. Were very godly, spiritual people, and he is the man of my dreams. He came to me telling me that he has had this 'porn addiction' almost his entire life. His conscience has ate at him for the past six months since he started up again. I consider this cheating. God says that if you even lust after another, you are guilty of sinning through commiting the act of adultry....though of course thats paraphrasing. I am a modest woman, and i dont think I have ever been called ugly. I consider myself a pretty woman.
Ill sum it up by letting you know how I ended up coping with this:
first off you and your man need to talk about this. Is he willing to go to church small groups with other men who deal with the same problem? Is he willing to do whatever it taakes to stop? If he is not...then that is a HUGEEE issue. But it sounds to me like he's not like that.
My man is willing to do whatever it takes. It tore him to peices to come clean to me...but he knew he had to. He was eaten up by it.
I admit it hurts...SOOOO badly. The world takes this kind of thing as a 'normal' kind of thing...but its not.
you have to KNOW going into a marriage that no matter what the other person does, you would be willing to try and fix it for the sake of the marriage and your relationship. Could he do anything and still have your love? If so, then let him know it! Make sure you have the same in return. In my opinion, the only thing you wouldnt want to continue any relationship with your fiance is if he is NOT willing to try and fix this, he DOESNT see it as a problem, and he WONT seek help.
I dont care what you other ladies say...Porn IS cheating if your guy is lusting after another womans body. end of story.
Does that mean your man isnt worth while? NO. Everyone makes mistakes and we WILL hurt eachother. Grow together, and move on. If he loves you enough, He'll want fix it and work on himself.
-brooke
Dear Sklubritt,
Here's the thing. I know that you are both christians and all but obviously he likes porn. Technically it is not cheating. I know emotionally it feels that way, but in reality it's not. So you have a couple of choices: you can talk to him about it and hope that he sees it your way or you can join him. I know this sounds horrible to you, even the thought probably makes you sick, but what happens in your bedroom is your business and no one elses. Sometimes just the noise in the background is a turn on. But realize if you choose the first option you could be in for a let down, because he could start sneaking it which will really make it feel like he's cheating. And, if you think this really is cheating, ask yourself "would you really stay with him if he was with another girl?"
Be careful what you wish for and think of 1, 3, or 5 years down the road. What's really gonna matter?
I hope this helps some to see the light and open your eyes a bit.
Thanks, cher
Hi Britt,
I'm so sorry to hear about this! Definitely don't listen to the people who want to belittle you or make you feel foolish. I've never been where you are at, but it must be so difficult. I will be praying for you. My advice to you is to talk to someone you know and respect about it. It's hard to give good advice to someone you don't really know. I'm sure talking to someone could be really humiliating, but I think it would be worth it and much easier than having to have the same talk a few years down the road if it continues. I think some serious questions need to be asked before you continue towards marriage. Again, I'll be praying for you!
Although I do not know you, I am praying for you as well. I am getting married this September as well to my very best friend. He and I both have struggled with a pornography addiction (which is what looking at porn really is). It is a scientifically proven that porn gives your body the adrenaline rush and "high" that drugs do, hence, you want to look at it over and over again to get that instant high and sexual rush.
Being a Christ follower myself, I know and believe that God does not encourage looking at pornography. Pornographic images are not pleasing to our Heavenly Father because He created the beauty and pleasure of sex for marriage to be shared between a man and a woman, not multiple men and women with pictures and videos being taken to be shared with the world.
If your fiance is truly the godly man that you believe him to be, then he should be turning to Christ and repenting of this sin. Christ is the only answer and the only one he can turn to in order to turn away from pornography. Pornography doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it is an addiction and it may be wise to seek counsel from your pastor or a Christian counselor if he cannot get rid of it himself. I pray you find a solution and remember that Christ can change anyone's heart and can cleanse them of all sin and can always make them a new person. I have hope in the fact that if you both reach out to Christ, He will GLADLY pull you both into His arms. Reach out to Him, for He is the only one Who can truly help you through this situation.
215 posts.....wow.
First don't be blaming yourself and running yourself down. It's your man that has a sex drive and is "whacking off" to the images of some women for relief.
That's the easy part, for an answer on what to do. That is something else.
Before these was easily available porn. Boys and men still "whacked off" just as much then as they do now. They must have become excited enough at just the hint of some bosom or leg? Or they snuck off to brothels for relief.
From what I understand a man's drive is about as insistent as thirst or hunger.He's is going to "come" one way or another. About the only thing in control is "how". Must be why they used to marry so young?
Another thought is the conflicting thoughts over sex. So many folk have been given the quick easy answer when young that sex is dirty and to be avoided. Now have that mindset for 10 years then suddenly get married. The human mind can not be "re-trained" in it's thought patterns overnight. Hence some of the virgin married couple bedroom disasters.
It's a passing thought but here goes.Back when DH worked shift and I was on days.I made a series of boudoir photos from mild to super exciting. When DH was in "need" he still had "me" even when I wasn't there. Worked for us.
First of all, you want Godly advice, this is not a Christian site. I would encourage you to seek out biblical counseling. Do you have any mentors in your life? Does your FI?
I'm not condemning you, just being honest. You & your FI are in open rebellion of God. Ask yourself, what part of the gospel do I NOT understand by participating in premarital sex? Think about this, your spiritual leader who you should submit to (the posters who are non-believers will go crazy with this) is in open rebellion of God, through premarital sex and watching pornography....which in Matthew 5 says that if you have lust you've already committed adultery. How can he be your spiritual leader if he doesn't fully understand the gospel?
I would definitely say postpone your wedding, seek biblical counseling, and repent.
You may have already made a decision, but I believe in the power of God's grace to change our hearts and our habits. My current fiance watched porn in the begining of our relationship, but has been porn free for almost a year now. Porn is very hurtful to a relationship, and I think sometimes men don't even realize it.
If you are still marrying him, encourage him to check out this website: www.truemanhood.com
I saw Dave Dinuzzo at a conference one time and he is a Godly man and a great speaker on a crusade against porn. Plus, he connects better with men than we ever can since he is one ;-)
God bless
I hope you get to read this...
I recently married a man who used to look a porn an awful lot. Personally, I saved myself for our wedding night, and he didn't. All sexual sins are related. I know you must be committed to him, else you wouldn't have given him a vow to never leave him upon giving him your virginity, however, I think that a vow before the permanent marriage vow is a little hasty.
My husband has successfully quit his porn addiction. He's only looked at it once since we got married, and then vowed never to do it again. I have full access to his and my computers at all times. If I were you, I'd have an honest conversation with him about how much his desirous thoughts hurt your feelings. You should tell him that you should be the only woman who crosses his mind.
Although, I will admit, congratulations are in order for his hesitation last time he wanted some lady action. It gets better in time. You just have to keep praying, keep taking out your problems, and tell him a reason you love him every day.